So, for those of you following along, I didn't get the house I wanted. And then I fired my realtor. I went off on him via email and told him how unprofessional he is and his company is and that I no longer needed his services. It felt good because I was so frustrated with him. Now we have a new realtor. I have no idea how to pronounce her name, but whatever. She's a full-time realtor and seems to know her job, so here's to hoping...*crosses fingers*
The other night Phoenix and I were watching an episode of The Biggest Loser and it showed on the bottom of the screen that they are having open casting calls in Gilbert, AZ on March 5th. I told Phoenix, "I should go do that." She said, "That'd be cool" or something else non-committal like that. I asked if she'd do it with me and I'm pretty sure this is where I lost her. She doesn't want to go on TV. I'm not sure I want to go on TV either, but knowing there are cameras around and that I have to weigh myself in front of people and in front of about a billion people watching at home, I think it'll keep me pushing myself to do more. It's easy at home to start working out, but then life gets in the way and you're like, "Oh, I'll get back in that routine next week..." But then next week comes and you're busy, so you skip working out more...Next thing you know, it's six months and forty pounds later and you're like, "Shit..." I think this would be really good for me. I'd prefer if Phoenix would go with me, but I can go it alone too. The few people I've told have been pretty much on board with me. One friend suggested I could write a book about my experience if I made it on the show. I think she's right. Let's face it, folks, I need to lose the weight and this show could help. Plus, I'm funny. I have a fabulous personality. I have my award winning smile that belongs on television. Who could resist me? *grins*
Okay, okay...Stop laughing. I was being serious. No, seriously, stop laughing and pay attention!! *laughs* I think it'd be a great experience. I figure I'm probably a good candidate because I've been fat my whole life. All I have to do is make a video of me, showing my personality (Stop laughing, folks...You know you find me amusing!), and go to the casting call on March 5th. Who's with me? I mean figuratively, of course.
On the other hand...This whole weighing myself in front of everyone is seriously scary. I mean, who wants to advertise their weight when they're fat? And I know there are people who watch the show and laugh at the fatties as they fly off the treadmills, trip up as they attempt to run, throw up from working out too hard, and give in to the temptation challenges. Still, I'm a pretty good sport and would crack the jokes myself before the jackasses watching could say something.
Despite everything, I think I'm going to go. I'll show up and hope for the best and expect the worst. What's the worst that could happen-- They say yes? Haha...Or no...Whatever. Wish me luck, faithful readers of mine...And give me some input on what you think too. I'll probably disregard everything you say, but I'll read it. *grins*
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
And the story gets better...
So, after looking at like a billion houses online and a bunch in person, I found one that felt like "home" when I saw it. The funny thing is, I hated the pics of it online. I was like, "Eff that house with its primary color back porch." The porch was painted red, blue, and yellow. It was nuts! My realtor, the jackass that he is, convinced me to go see it. I fell in love. It had an adorable courtyard in the front, a great sized backyard, etc, etc, etc...I went through the check list I was given (Phoenix in her commanding voice, "You make sure the house has an office or loft for you to write in, a big closet for us, a two-car garage, and a big bathtub.") It didn't have the two-car garage, but it had everything else. And despite the tile all throughout the house, I loved it. The tile work was awesome. Whoever lived there, loved the house and obviously did tile work for a living.
After seeing that house and liking it, I went on to see 8 other houses. I didn't like any of them. I liked the one with the weird colored porch. That was the one that was to be our house. It had character. I asked to go see it again and then decided to make an offer on it. When we went to go put in an offer, my jackass realtor wrote up an offer for like $800 under asking price. I was like, "Oh hell no." Who does that? The house has been on the market for a while and it was a foreclosure. The bank should want to sell it before it ends up at auction for a hell of a lot less. So, I told him I wanted to go lower. Since it was Super Bowl Sunday, he decided we should do it on Monday and go from there...Whatever. We did it his way.
On Monday, he said the people at the bank said there weren't any other offers on the house. We wrote up a new deal and thankfully, I ask more questions than the average person. The moron was putting shit in the contract that would've cost me more money than I would've cared to spend. While looking at houses, I discovered that real estate is his second job. He works full-time for the county. This explains why he's only available sometimes. I also think that as this being his second job, he doesn't really sell too many houses. He seemed to be clueless when I asked him a ton of questions. He had to ask some other real estate dudes who were in the office. Let me tell you how much confidence that instilled in me...*rolls eyes* In the end, we put together an offer for $78,500. The original asking price was $84,900 or something. I agreed to that price and signed more papers than I knew what to do with. And we were supposed to hear from the bank by Wednesday at 5pm.
Tuesday came and went (slowly) with no word from the bank. Tuesday night my realtor called and asked if I wanted to change my offer. Of course I didn't want to change my offer! Not even when he said he got some stupid email claiming there were suddenly multiple offers on that house. *rolls eyes* There were no offers until I made an offer and then suddenly other people wanted it too??? I think not! How dare someone else want my crazy house with the strangely painted back porch! How dare someone look at the house and immediately be impressed by the little courtyard in the front! Still, I didn't opt to change my offer. I said, "No, leave it. We'll see what happens." This immediately made my tension headache I've been sporting for a few days kick into overdrive. My head hurt damn bad. I was actually getting nauseous from the pain. And I only slept for a little while that night.
Wednesday came and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. At 8:10 am my realtor texted me to ask if I was available to look at houses on Friday. I said, "Sure...Have you heard from the bank?" He had given up hope. I hadn't, but he had. Or so it seemed. He hadn't heard anything, but that was the end of it. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. Wednesday at 5pm came and went without a word. WTF? Isn't the bank supposed to say yes, no, or maybe so? This is what happens on HGTV!! Where the fuck is Sandra Rinomato? I need a house and I need someone who knows how to do their damn job!
Here comes Thursday and still nothing from the guy. I am pissed now. I am so pissed, I say fuck it to everything and convince Phoenix to go to a movie. We skipped out on packing our apartment despite the fact we have to be out in two weeks and nothing is really packed. We went to see The Green Hornet, which was awesome! As we drove home, the realtor called. Unfortunately, I had my phone on silent, so I missed it. I tried to call him back, but no answer, so I texted him. I asked, "Have you heard from the bank yet? What's going on?" He called back and here's where the shit gets worse...
So, it turns out my realtor isn't current on his hours as a realtor. His office got a call like a month ago from the real estate board and they said that he needed to do some classes for some hours. His office thought they were wrong and apparently, failed to mention this to my guy...*rolls eyes* On Wednesday, the real estate board contacted him and told him he can't do anything real estate related until he does his hours!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? *looks around for Candid Camera people* No, seriously, is this a big fucking joke!? I calmly listened as he said he told me that he took a class on Wednesday night (That explains the no phone call.) and how he'll be back in business by Monday and in the meantime, his boss is taking care of me. Oh really? Because that mo-fo didn't call me either about my offer! I want to know what the fuck is going on! Apparently, I signed up for a realtor, not from USA West Realty, but from Stupid and Stupider Realty!! What is wrong with people? This isn't a joking matter to me. I want to buy a house and I need to buy one like yesterday. Because on top of every other freaking thing going on, Phoenix is supposed to be filing for bankruptcy and when she took her stuff to the lawyer today, he did a 180 on what he told her before. He had said, "On the day we file, you need to pull your money out of your accounts." Today he said, "You need to spend your money before we file. Otherwise, they may try to take it." And by "it" I mean the money and by "the money" I mean even the money in my account, which is our joint account, which is where I have our down payment chilling until we get a house! Yes, that's right...If we don't use the money, some bill collector may try to lay claim to it because Phoenix is on my account. And if we don't file her bankruptcy soon, one bill collector may try to garnish her wages.
Are you guys all with me here??? I don't even know which way is up anymore...On the plus side, my grandma who had last minute exploratory surgery is doing well. Yay for grandma!! In other news, we have to be out of our apartment in two weeks, I have no clue what's going on with my offer, still need to pack, have a moron as a realtor, still need to find me a vehicle, need to get Phoenix's bankruptcy filed, and well, you get the idea...Who wants to buy this girl a drink? Or a keg? Or something...I'm so done...
After seeing that house and liking it, I went on to see 8 other houses. I didn't like any of them. I liked the one with the weird colored porch. That was the one that was to be our house. It had character. I asked to go see it again and then decided to make an offer on it. When we went to go put in an offer, my jackass realtor wrote up an offer for like $800 under asking price. I was like, "Oh hell no." Who does that? The house has been on the market for a while and it was a foreclosure. The bank should want to sell it before it ends up at auction for a hell of a lot less. So, I told him I wanted to go lower. Since it was Super Bowl Sunday, he decided we should do it on Monday and go from there...Whatever. We did it his way.
On Monday, he said the people at the bank said there weren't any other offers on the house. We wrote up a new deal and thankfully, I ask more questions than the average person. The moron was putting shit in the contract that would've cost me more money than I would've cared to spend. While looking at houses, I discovered that real estate is his second job. He works full-time for the county. This explains why he's only available sometimes. I also think that as this being his second job, he doesn't really sell too many houses. He seemed to be clueless when I asked him a ton of questions. He had to ask some other real estate dudes who were in the office. Let me tell you how much confidence that instilled in me...*rolls eyes* In the end, we put together an offer for $78,500. The original asking price was $84,900 or something. I agreed to that price and signed more papers than I knew what to do with. And we were supposed to hear from the bank by Wednesday at 5pm.
Tuesday came and went (slowly) with no word from the bank. Tuesday night my realtor called and asked if I wanted to change my offer. Of course I didn't want to change my offer! Not even when he said he got some stupid email claiming there were suddenly multiple offers on that house. *rolls eyes* There were no offers until I made an offer and then suddenly other people wanted it too??? I think not! How dare someone else want my crazy house with the strangely painted back porch! How dare someone look at the house and immediately be impressed by the little courtyard in the front! Still, I didn't opt to change my offer. I said, "No, leave it. We'll see what happens." This immediately made my tension headache I've been sporting for a few days kick into overdrive. My head hurt damn bad. I was actually getting nauseous from the pain. And I only slept for a little while that night.
Wednesday came and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. At 8:10 am my realtor texted me to ask if I was available to look at houses on Friday. I said, "Sure...Have you heard from the bank?" He had given up hope. I hadn't, but he had. Or so it seemed. He hadn't heard anything, but that was the end of it. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. Wednesday at 5pm came and went without a word. WTF? Isn't the bank supposed to say yes, no, or maybe so? This is what happens on HGTV!! Where the fuck is Sandra Rinomato? I need a house and I need someone who knows how to do their damn job!
Here comes Thursday and still nothing from the guy. I am pissed now. I am so pissed, I say fuck it to everything and convince Phoenix to go to a movie. We skipped out on packing our apartment despite the fact we have to be out in two weeks and nothing is really packed. We went to see The Green Hornet, which was awesome! As we drove home, the realtor called. Unfortunately, I had my phone on silent, so I missed it. I tried to call him back, but no answer, so I texted him. I asked, "Have you heard from the bank yet? What's going on?" He called back and here's where the shit gets worse...
So, it turns out my realtor isn't current on his hours as a realtor. His office got a call like a month ago from the real estate board and they said that he needed to do some classes for some hours. His office thought they were wrong and apparently, failed to mention this to my guy...*rolls eyes* On Wednesday, the real estate board contacted him and told him he can't do anything real estate related until he does his hours!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? *looks around for Candid Camera people* No, seriously, is this a big fucking joke!? I calmly listened as he said he told me that he took a class on Wednesday night (That explains the no phone call.) and how he'll be back in business by Monday and in the meantime, his boss is taking care of me. Oh really? Because that mo-fo didn't call me either about my offer! I want to know what the fuck is going on! Apparently, I signed up for a realtor, not from USA West Realty, but from Stupid and Stupider Realty!! What is wrong with people? This isn't a joking matter to me. I want to buy a house and I need to buy one like yesterday. Because on top of every other freaking thing going on, Phoenix is supposed to be filing for bankruptcy and when she took her stuff to the lawyer today, he did a 180 on what he told her before. He had said, "On the day we file, you need to pull your money out of your accounts." Today he said, "You need to spend your money before we file. Otherwise, they may try to take it." And by "it" I mean the money and by "the money" I mean even the money in my account, which is our joint account, which is where I have our down payment chilling until we get a house! Yes, that's right...If we don't use the money, some bill collector may try to lay claim to it because Phoenix is on my account. And if we don't file her bankruptcy soon, one bill collector may try to garnish her wages.
Are you guys all with me here??? I don't even know which way is up anymore...On the plus side, my grandma who had last minute exploratory surgery is doing well. Yay for grandma!! In other news, we have to be out of our apartment in two weeks, I have no clue what's going on with my offer, still need to pack, have a moron as a realtor, still need to find me a vehicle, need to get Phoenix's bankruptcy filed, and well, you get the idea...Who wants to buy this girl a drink? Or a keg? Or something...I'm so done...
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I'm a jerk...
I have found that recently I've been so stressed about this whole moving/house buying/OMG I need a car/I need to lose weight thing going on here that I can't even write anymore. I feel as though I am about to snap because I am being stretched out in so many directions and my mind doesn't stop spinning until I lay my head on my pillow at night, at which point I fall asleep faster than a baby with a full tummy. But I don't even sleep through the night--I wake up ten times, with random thoughts. I hate it!! Let's check this crap out together and you can see the hell I am putting myself through...
So, the lease is up on our apartment in, umm, 22 days. Yes, 22 days. No, my faithful readers, my apartment is not packed up into neat little boxes and ready to be moved. Instead, it looks like we've lived here for two freakin' years!! Of course, we have packed some stuff, but seriously, not even a fourth of our stuff has been packed. In three weeks, we have to be out of here and yet, we're not ready. This is so not cool. On the other hand, Phoenix and I know that we're going to be staying at her mom's until we get a house, so now we're left trying to figure out what we need "out" and what needs to be packed. I don't even know where to begin...
House buying isn't a great experience. I had a blast taking "adventures" with Phoenix and her nieces to go look at houses, but it's so not cool when we're actually doing it. I've seen pictures of hundreds (Okay, maybe like 100 houses...although, maybe more because Phoenix is always looking.) of houses. I see things in each house I like, love, and hate. How freakin' hard is it to find a house with a large kitchen, a garden/soaker tub, a huge master closet (C'mon, we're a couple of broads! We need room for our wardrobes!), a fourth bedroom or loft for my desk and computer, and a medium-large backyard. I'm not asking for the moon and stars here, folks! Now, we've seen a few homes with these things, but some of them just suck...Like they have weird layouts and I find myself wondering what the hell the designers were thinking. For instance, we saw one living room with a big fireplace, which was nice, but the room was longer than it was wide and with the fireplace cutting it in half, there was no logical way of setting up the TV and couch in there. The TV would've ended up like ten feet from the couch and I could only imagine how loud it would have to be then for people to hear it. In other homes, we found tile throughout the house...Tile is fabulous, but throughout the entire house? No way. I'd have to spend a fortune in area rugs and such because it would be far too loud in that house without something to absorb the noise. Same thing with the pergo wood floors. My DC's and her Nike Shox shouldn't be making echoing noises as we walk through the house. Today I continue my hunt with my realtor. We are starting at 8am and this time, I'm going armed with my LSR (Loan Status Report), which shows I can get an $80,000 loan. It's all I could get with the savings I have. Had we not just had Christmas, I'm sure I could've saved a bit more, but whatever...I'll be able to get a nice house with this...Or so I hope.
In the midst of everything, it came to our attention that I will no longer be residing across the street from work. Can I just point out how convenient that's been? Seriously! I mean, it is still a half a mile walk through the apartment complex and all, but still...It's nice. Now, I'll be using my savings as a down payment on a house, which is what it was supposed to be for, but now I'll be left with no money to buy a car. Well...A truck. I am not a car girl. We had looked at a new truck, but I was told I couldn't get a truck loan because I've never had a car loan before...However, they'd be more than happy to finance me for a used truck, which was like the same price as the new truck. Lame! However, I don't make enough to have a truck loan and a house loan, so that's out. I am now looking for a used truck, like via Craigslist for cheap to get me down the road until Phoenix buys me a truck. I figure if I'm buying the house, she can buy the truck. *grins* In the meantime though, this doesn't solve my problem of no vehicle. We've looked online and some of the trucks are just horrible. Don't list your truck as "in good condition" when it looks like you played bumper cars in it one night after a few too many Budweisers. It's not in good condition when the bumper is dented, a headlight is busted out, and there's a long dent down the driver's side that leaves me wondering if the door can even be opened. It's just crazy to me!! And my biggest fear is buying a truck from someone only find out it runs like shit or something...It's probably going to end up being karma for me since I passed my piece of shit car off on some unsuspecting dude...So, if anyone knows anyone selling a Chevy truck (Or a Dodge, if I must...) for cheap, let me know.
Losing weight...Losing weight is a losing battle. I've spent my whole life being overweight. I don't know how to be thin. I don't know how to lose the weight. I was counting my calories like I was the calorie Nazi or something...And I lost like ten pounds. But I was pissed off and hungry. And if I died in the middle of that and the coroner sent someone to pick me up, they'd still be making fat jokes at my expense, because ten pounds means absolutely jack when you're as heavy as I am. Seriously, I can hear the dudes now, "Think she choked on a ham sandwich like Mama Cass?" While the other one jokes back, "More like the whole ham!" And those fuckers wouldn't even know that I don't even care for ham!!th stairs, it's probably not the best idea to make me go up and down them wit I sit on my ass for ten hours four days a week. I can't walk around my cubicle because my entire job revolves around a computer and a phone. It just sucks. People think I'm not motivated to lose weight or something, but it's not like that...We bought bikes and I'd love to go bike riding. However, for right now, our bikes are being stored at Phoenix's dad's house because it wasn't going to work to keep them here. We had no where to store them, plus, it's not exactly easy to bring them up and down the stairs. Our stairs are pretty narrow and with my track record on the stairs it's just not a good combination. I'm just sayin'...I'm so stressed out though and despite watching my calories, I am not losing anything else. I'm starving to death (A slight exaggeration...Or a big exaggeration...whatever) and nothing is changing. It's bullshit. I need to lose weight, but I have to find something that's going to work for me...And I'm running out of ideas. I know I need to work out, but as some have suggested, I cannot just work out on my three days off. I need to get into a routine and it has to be soon. I don't want to be the fat girl whose made fun of even in death...
So, I guess that's a small glimpse into my life. I'm not even bring work into this and trust me, you don't want to know about work. I was so stressed about everything and so pissed at Phoenix one night that I actually went and bought a pack of smokes. Yup, I went into a Circle K and asked, "Can I get a pack of Marlboro 100s, please?" As I was doing it, I wanted to cry, but I was stressed and pissed and that's not a good combo. I drove back to the apartment and sat on the stairs outside my place and lit one up. Oh man, it was so gross!! It didn't taste good at all and I instantly felt high. *grins* I had forgotten about that. Of course, I know it's because I'm depriving my poor brain of oxygen, but it almost felt good for a moment. But then I thought of all the people who'd be disappointed in me. I had given up on smoking two years ago, what the fuck was I doing? Only days before, I had been encouraging an old friend on quitting and here I was smoking. I was a big fucking a hypocrite! Then here came Phoenix and she looked at me with such...I don't even know what it was. She was livid though. I felt like a big jerk. I was like an alcoholic going for a beer just because he/she had a bad day. I put out the smoke after only smoking like 3/4 of it. I realized I smelled so bad too. I washed my hands like ten times and I could still smell it. I still have the pack sitting on my counter. There are 19 smokes in there...And despite everything I have just written...And despite feeling like a big jerk...I still look at them and think, "I could just have one more." WTF? Stupid cigarettes...
So, I guess that's it. I need to get ready so I can go look at more houses today...Let's hope I find something soon. I need a vacation from my life. The sooner I get a house, the sooner I'll get that break I need. And I think the break I need is a wild, crazy weekend in Vegas. I'm talking about drinking until I don't remember my name ("You can call me Lucy and this is my friend Ethel!" Yup, Phoenix can be Ethel! *grins*) and going to clubs I wouldn't take my mom to...Well, that's not true. My mom's probably been to all those clubs, but whatever. I want to wake up on my second or third day in Vegas going, "OMG...What did I do last night? And why is there a tiger in my bathroom?" I'm just saying...Who's in? Well, who's in when I figure out when I can go?
So, the lease is up on our apartment in, umm, 22 days. Yes, 22 days. No, my faithful readers, my apartment is not packed up into neat little boxes and ready to be moved. Instead, it looks like we've lived here for two freakin' years!! Of course, we have packed some stuff, but seriously, not even a fourth of our stuff has been packed. In three weeks, we have to be out of here and yet, we're not ready. This is so not cool. On the other hand, Phoenix and I know that we're going to be staying at her mom's until we get a house, so now we're left trying to figure out what we need "out" and what needs to be packed. I don't even know where to begin...
House buying isn't a great experience. I had a blast taking "adventures" with Phoenix and her nieces to go look at houses, but it's so not cool when we're actually doing it. I've seen pictures of hundreds (Okay, maybe like 100 houses...although, maybe more because Phoenix is always looking.) of houses. I see things in each house I like, love, and hate. How freakin' hard is it to find a house with a large kitchen, a garden/soaker tub, a huge master closet (C'mon, we're a couple of broads! We need room for our wardrobes!), a fourth bedroom or loft for my desk and computer, and a medium-large backyard. I'm not asking for the moon and stars here, folks! Now, we've seen a few homes with these things, but some of them just suck...Like they have weird layouts and I find myself wondering what the hell the designers were thinking. For instance, we saw one living room with a big fireplace, which was nice, but the room was longer than it was wide and with the fireplace cutting it in half, there was no logical way of setting up the TV and couch in there. The TV would've ended up like ten feet from the couch and I could only imagine how loud it would have to be then for people to hear it. In other homes, we found tile throughout the house...Tile is fabulous, but throughout the entire house? No way. I'd have to spend a fortune in area rugs and such because it would be far too loud in that house without something to absorb the noise. Same thing with the pergo wood floors. My DC's and her Nike Shox shouldn't be making echoing noises as we walk through the house. Today I continue my hunt with my realtor. We are starting at 8am and this time, I'm going armed with my LSR (Loan Status Report), which shows I can get an $80,000 loan. It's all I could get with the savings I have. Had we not just had Christmas, I'm sure I could've saved a bit more, but whatever...I'll be able to get a nice house with this...Or so I hope.
In the midst of everything, it came to our attention that I will no longer be residing across the street from work. Can I just point out how convenient that's been? Seriously! I mean, it is still a half a mile walk through the apartment complex and all, but still...It's nice. Now, I'll be using my savings as a down payment on a house, which is what it was supposed to be for, but now I'll be left with no money to buy a car. Well...A truck. I am not a car girl. We had looked at a new truck, but I was told I couldn't get a truck loan because I've never had a car loan before...However, they'd be more than happy to finance me for a used truck, which was like the same price as the new truck. Lame! However, I don't make enough to have a truck loan and a house loan, so that's out. I am now looking for a used truck, like via Craigslist for cheap to get me down the road until Phoenix buys me a truck. I figure if I'm buying the house, she can buy the truck. *grins* In the meantime though, this doesn't solve my problem of no vehicle. We've looked online and some of the trucks are just horrible. Don't list your truck as "in good condition" when it looks like you played bumper cars in it one night after a few too many Budweisers. It's not in good condition when the bumper is dented, a headlight is busted out, and there's a long dent down the driver's side that leaves me wondering if the door can even be opened. It's just crazy to me!! And my biggest fear is buying a truck from someone only find out it runs like shit or something...It's probably going to end up being karma for me since I passed my piece of shit car off on some unsuspecting dude...So, if anyone knows anyone selling a Chevy truck (Or a Dodge, if I must...) for cheap, let me know.
Losing weight...Losing weight is a losing battle. I've spent my whole life being overweight. I don't know how to be thin. I don't know how to lose the weight. I was counting my calories like I was the calorie Nazi or something...And I lost like ten pounds. But I was pissed off and hungry. And if I died in the middle of that and the coroner sent someone to pick me up, they'd still be making fat jokes at my expense, because ten pounds means absolutely jack when you're as heavy as I am. Seriously, I can hear the dudes now, "Think she choked on a ham sandwich like Mama Cass?" While the other one jokes back, "More like the whole ham!" And those fuckers wouldn't even know that I don't even care for ham!!th stairs, it's probably not the best idea to make me go up and down them wit I sit on my ass for ten hours four days a week. I can't walk around my cubicle because my entire job revolves around a computer and a phone. It just sucks. People think I'm not motivated to lose weight or something, but it's not like that...We bought bikes and I'd love to go bike riding. However, for right now, our bikes are being stored at Phoenix's dad's house because it wasn't going to work to keep them here. We had no where to store them, plus, it's not exactly easy to bring them up and down the stairs. Our stairs are pretty narrow and with my track record on the stairs it's just not a good combination. I'm just sayin'...I'm so stressed out though and despite watching my calories, I am not losing anything else. I'm starving to death (A slight exaggeration...Or a big exaggeration...whatever) and nothing is changing. It's bullshit. I need to lose weight, but I have to find something that's going to work for me...And I'm running out of ideas. I know I need to work out, but as some have suggested, I cannot just work out on my three days off. I need to get into a routine and it has to be soon. I don't want to be the fat girl whose made fun of even in death...
So, I guess that's a small glimpse into my life. I'm not even bring work into this and trust me, you don't want to know about work. I was so stressed about everything and so pissed at Phoenix one night that I actually went and bought a pack of smokes. Yup, I went into a Circle K and asked, "Can I get a pack of Marlboro 100s, please?" As I was doing it, I wanted to cry, but I was stressed and pissed and that's not a good combo. I drove back to the apartment and sat on the stairs outside my place and lit one up. Oh man, it was so gross!! It didn't taste good at all and I instantly felt high. *grins* I had forgotten about that. Of course, I know it's because I'm depriving my poor brain of oxygen, but it almost felt good for a moment. But then I thought of all the people who'd be disappointed in me. I had given up on smoking two years ago, what the fuck was I doing? Only days before, I had been encouraging an old friend on quitting and here I was smoking. I was a big fucking a hypocrite! Then here came Phoenix and she looked at me with such...I don't even know what it was. She was livid though. I felt like a big jerk. I was like an alcoholic going for a beer just because he/she had a bad day. I put out the smoke after only smoking like 3/4 of it. I realized I smelled so bad too. I washed my hands like ten times and I could still smell it. I still have the pack sitting on my counter. There are 19 smokes in there...And despite everything I have just written...And despite feeling like a big jerk...I still look at them and think, "I could just have one more." WTF? Stupid cigarettes...
So, I guess that's it. I need to get ready so I can go look at more houses today...Let's hope I find something soon. I need a vacation from my life. The sooner I get a house, the sooner I'll get that break I need. And I think the break I need is a wild, crazy weekend in Vegas. I'm talking about drinking until I don't remember my name ("You can call me Lucy and this is my friend Ethel!" Yup, Phoenix can be Ethel! *grins*) and going to clubs I wouldn't take my mom to...Well, that's not true. My mom's probably been to all those clubs, but whatever. I want to wake up on my second or third day in Vegas going, "OMG...What did I do last night? And why is there a tiger in my bathroom?" I'm just saying...Who's in? Well, who's in when I figure out when I can go?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
There is something rotten in the state of...Arizona...
So, I got pre-qualified for a home loan, which, in and of itself is a miracle...I mean, we all know the Universe despises me and usually laughs wildly at me and the obstacles thrown at me. I am now starting to think that perhaps, just maybe, the Universe set me up yet again by approving me for a home loan...Allow me to explain...
I was told in November that I was close to qualifying, but that I should open a secured credit card to boost my score. It took forever, but I finally got the card. I'm not sure I needed it because without ever using it, Chase Bank qualified me, despite what the other woman had told me...Ehh, whatever. So, YAY! I qualified. This is too late to move from my apartment into a house of my choosing, so it looks like we'll be crashing at Phoenix's mom's house until we can get into something since our lease ends in February. Still...Ehhh, whatever. We can manage this.
I have enjoyed my many adventures of going house shopping...You know, exploring model homes I can never afford and stopping in at random open houses for the hell of it. Going actual house shopping has sucked big, hairy elephant balls. No, seriously. Phoenix and I scoured the internet to find cool houses that we liked. She found a site called zillow.com. Check it out. They also have a free app for your smart phones (Only the smart ones, not the stupid ones!), so you can drive around neighborhoods and see what the houses are worth and what's for sale. It's AWESOME! Anyway, we found we thought were awesome and did drive bys. No, not like the kind we used to do in south side Victorville way back in the day. This time, we left the guns at home and simply went armed with addresses and our cell phones.
Out of our favorite houses that we saw from the outside, it turned out all of them had either just accepted offers or were in escrow. Are you freakin' kidding me!? I was disappointed, but whatever...We opted to move our search to the outskirts of Phoenix because we could find larger houses. Before this though, my realtor took me (On Sunday, by myself) to see a few more houses. One of the houses had a horrible lay out and somehow made 1,800 sq feet look very, very small. Another one was cool, but still just didn't suit us. A third house was so freakin' ghetto and nasty that we only made it a couple steps in before he said, "Forget this place. You're not buying this one!" It smelled of cat piss and trash. Classy place, let me tell you. I was surprised we didn't find a couple of crack whores squatting in there. It was God-awful!
We moved our search area and he showed me a few houses out in El Mirage (AZ, not CA). The first one looked awesome from outside. It had great curb appeal and was a single story. Cool, cool. We went inside and immediately, I was like, "I don't think this is going to work." The living room carpet was stained and by what, I don't know. It was disgusting and needed to be ripped out. One of the 18' tiles was cracked and had a large piece missing, which meant we'd have to replace them all since it's too hard to match those tiles. The kitchen was okay, but one of the drawers was broken...The bedrooms looked like they had been through hell and back. All three of the "kid's" rooms needed wall repairs. It looked like the doors had been kicked open, knocking holes into the wall behind the door. One room was so bad, they put a steel corner piece on the wall and had started a repair, but never finished...All the carpets in the rooms were covered in stains from food, drink, and markers. My realtor said, "It's only like $72,000." Umm...Yeah...$72,000 too much. I would've had to yank out all the flooring before we moved in, plus repair some walls. No way! The next house was like 5 door down and across the street and it was awesome!! It's 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 2200 sq feet, a big yard, a loft, etc...Seriously, this house had everything on our check list! It's only $82,900! It's totally in my budget! I was so excited. I liked the house a lot and wanted Phoenix to see it. Before heading home, my realtor took me to one more house though, just in cases...O-M-G! The house was in like TJ, as in TJ, Mexico!! We never found the actual house, but after cruising the neighborhood (Where a donkey and sombreros wouldn't have been out of place), I said, "We're good...Let's just head back." I didn't want to live next door to Pedro who sells Chicklets 5 for a dollar...Although...I do like gum...Hmmm...
So, Phoenix finally saw the house today and we were thinking, "We should put an offer in on the house." We asked the realtor about how the listing said I had to pre-qualify with Bank of America. He had asked about it the other day and the woman had said, "I think as long as you have paperwork showing you're qualified, it's fine." This was WRONG-O! Tonight, he called and the other realtor said, "No, she needs to qualify with BofA, otherwise her offer will not be considered." Are you fucking kidding me? I qualified with Chase. That's all that counts. Moving on...But no, if I want to make an offer, I'll have to have my credit pulled again and jump through hoops for BofA...I'm not sure about that. It doesn't seem right. I get that BofA owns it, but why would I have to go through them??? Does anyone know? I'm so confused! And now it's making me, "Maybe this house isn't for me..."
So, as you can see, the Universe, despite seeming benevolent for just a moment, is right back to laughing at me...*Shakes fist at sky angrily* Damn it, Universe! Just once make it easy!! Also, to anyone whose bought a house, any insight you have would be awesome!! Thanks...For now, I'm going to bed! Peace.
PS: I didn't grammar check this, so deal with it.
I was told in November that I was close to qualifying, but that I should open a secured credit card to boost my score. It took forever, but I finally got the card. I'm not sure I needed it because without ever using it, Chase Bank qualified me, despite what the other woman had told me...Ehh, whatever. So, YAY! I qualified. This is too late to move from my apartment into a house of my choosing, so it looks like we'll be crashing at Phoenix's mom's house until we can get into something since our lease ends in February. Still...Ehhh, whatever. We can manage this.
I have enjoyed my many adventures of going house shopping...You know, exploring model homes I can never afford and stopping in at random open houses for the hell of it. Going actual house shopping has sucked big, hairy elephant balls. No, seriously. Phoenix and I scoured the internet to find cool houses that we liked. She found a site called zillow.com. Check it out. They also have a free app for your smart phones (Only the smart ones, not the stupid ones!), so you can drive around neighborhoods and see what the houses are worth and what's for sale. It's AWESOME! Anyway, we found we thought were awesome and did drive bys. No, not like the kind we used to do in south side Victorville way back in the day. This time, we left the guns at home and simply went armed with addresses and our cell phones.
Out of our favorite houses that we saw from the outside, it turned out all of them had either just accepted offers or were in escrow. Are you freakin' kidding me!? I was disappointed, but whatever...We opted to move our search to the outskirts of Phoenix because we could find larger houses. Before this though, my realtor took me (On Sunday, by myself) to see a few more houses. One of the houses had a horrible lay out and somehow made 1,800 sq feet look very, very small. Another one was cool, but still just didn't suit us. A third house was so freakin' ghetto and nasty that we only made it a couple steps in before he said, "Forget this place. You're not buying this one!" It smelled of cat piss and trash. Classy place, let me tell you. I was surprised we didn't find a couple of crack whores squatting in there. It was God-awful!
We moved our search area and he showed me a few houses out in El Mirage (AZ, not CA). The first one looked awesome from outside. It had great curb appeal and was a single story. Cool, cool. We went inside and immediately, I was like, "I don't think this is going to work." The living room carpet was stained and by what, I don't know. It was disgusting and needed to be ripped out. One of the 18' tiles was cracked and had a large piece missing, which meant we'd have to replace them all since it's too hard to match those tiles. The kitchen was okay, but one of the drawers was broken...The bedrooms looked like they had been through hell and back. All three of the "kid's" rooms needed wall repairs. It looked like the doors had been kicked open, knocking holes into the wall behind the door. One room was so bad, they put a steel corner piece on the wall and had started a repair, but never finished...All the carpets in the rooms were covered in stains from food, drink, and markers. My realtor said, "It's only like $72,000." Umm...Yeah...$72,000 too much. I would've had to yank out all the flooring before we moved in, plus repair some walls. No way! The next house was like 5 door down and across the street and it was awesome!! It's 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 2200 sq feet, a big yard, a loft, etc...Seriously, this house had everything on our check list! It's only $82,900! It's totally in my budget! I was so excited. I liked the house a lot and wanted Phoenix to see it. Before heading home, my realtor took me to one more house though, just in cases...O-M-G! The house was in like TJ, as in TJ, Mexico!! We never found the actual house, but after cruising the neighborhood (Where a donkey and sombreros wouldn't have been out of place), I said, "We're good...Let's just head back." I didn't want to live next door to Pedro who sells Chicklets 5 for a dollar...Although...I do like gum...Hmmm...
So, Phoenix finally saw the house today and we were thinking, "We should put an offer in on the house." We asked the realtor about how the listing said I had to pre-qualify with Bank of America. He had asked about it the other day and the woman had said, "I think as long as you have paperwork showing you're qualified, it's fine." This was WRONG-O! Tonight, he called and the other realtor said, "No, she needs to qualify with BofA, otherwise her offer will not be considered." Are you fucking kidding me? I qualified with Chase. That's all that counts. Moving on...But no, if I want to make an offer, I'll have to have my credit pulled again and jump through hoops for BofA...I'm not sure about that. It doesn't seem right. I get that BofA owns it, but why would I have to go through them??? Does anyone know? I'm so confused! And now it's making me, "Maybe this house isn't for me..."
So, as you can see, the Universe, despite seeming benevolent for just a moment, is right back to laughing at me...*Shakes fist at sky angrily* Damn it, Universe! Just once make it easy!! Also, to anyone whose bought a house, any insight you have would be awesome!! Thanks...For now, I'm going to bed! Peace.
PS: I didn't grammar check this, so deal with it.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Tumble-ina...
Well, I have officially survived the holidays...It was a close call though. I mean, we had a great Christmas and all that, but on the Monday after Christmas I thought it'd be great to fling myself down the stairs, you know, for shits and giggles. Please, allow me to explain what happened...
So, I was up bright and early for work with Phoenix. I decided to do the Biggest Loser workout before work since I always have spare time. I did the workout and then got ready for work. My left knee (The one I had surgery on that always bothers me.) was hurting and sore. After reading the morning news for far too long, I left for work a few minutes later than usual. I have to walk to work, so I don't get the option to drive extra fast to make up for lost time. So, I left for work, locked my door, and started down the stairs. It was hella cold out, but there was no ice on the stairs. (That would've made it better somehow.) I was halfway down the stairs when I was putting on my iPod. My headphones were tangled, so I let go of the railing to untangle them. I've done this a billion times and never ate shit. Not this time though. I swear, no sooner had I let go and stepped with my left leg that I went flying down the stairs. I stepped with my left leg, my left knee said, "Oh hell no!" and went to Jello. I think my eyes popped out of my head as I realized what was going on. Suddenly, I saw stairs flying towards my face. I threw the iPod and grabbed for the railing, but that did little to stop my fall. Luckily, I had enough sense to tuck my head because I went ass over tea kettle down the remaining stairs. I ended up at the bottom of the stairs, flat on my back on top of my (man)bag. My first thought was, "Fuck! I have to go to work...I only have three hours sick time!" My second thought was, "Get up! People are going to laugh!!" I was the fat girl who fell down the stairs. I never screamed or anything. The only thing I had said was, "Shit!" just as I started to fall. I flew off the ground ninja-style so that no one would see me lying there. If you want to know what it looked like when I fell, well, then go see that movie "How Do You Know" or whatever it's called with Paul Rudd. He falls down the stairs, but he slides halfway down before flipping. I skipped sliding and just went into flipping because that's what all the cool kids do.
I walked to work that morning, and every morning since then, and let me tell you I was sore. Tuesday was a billion times worse. I woke feeling like I had been run over by a speeding train or something. Still, I had to go to work. Sitting in my chair all day only seemed to make it worse. Ehh, whatever...I survived the fall and I'm pretty much all right now. According to the nurse at my work, my "padding" probably saved me from really hurting myself. Good to know the fat came in handy for something. *rolls eyes* My fall, however, earned me a new nickname at work, "Tumble-ina"...You know, like Thumbelina, but not. My cube-mate who likes to mess with me threatened to ice over my stairs if I kept talking smack to her. *grins* Like I know how to stop talking shit? Our other cube-mate who sits across from us then bought me a present to help in case she happened to succeed in icing over my stairs...
Yup, she bought me de-icer. LOL My team at work is our Human Resource Department's worst nightmare. All we do is talk crap to each other. We incessantly tease one another and nothing is said without sarcasm. Yes, what I'm saying is I fit right in with these people, but I am pretty much convinced that when anyone from HR walks by, they close their eyes and plug their ears. What makes it more amusing is that our team leader used to be an HR manager at a store. *grins* She figures as long as we're not offending one another or whatever, then we're fine...I should blog one day and describe the random characters on my team...I think though when they hired me that they were like, "Oh, we know where to put this one..."
For New Year's Eve, we went to Phoenix's sister's house to party. We spent the evening singing karaoke and hanging out with her immediate family, which numbers like 50 people or something. It's crazy. It was a nice mellow evening and then we went to bed far too late to get up far too early for work. My work was so dead on New Year's Day...I took about 35 calls all day. There were times when I went thirty minutes between phone calls. I nearly fell asleep at my desk a few times. I did get some amusing calls though...
My first call of the day was from a scorned woman. One would think men know better than to mess with women...She was pissed off because she'd gotten into an argument with her boyfriend the night before. So, she called in to cut off his credit card!! *laughs wildly* I found that to be my favorite call all day long.
I got a call from a guy who sounded like he was still drinking who wanted to pay his accounts. I had to explain to him that he had paid them two days before and no payments were needed. He was like, "Really? You're my new best friend!" *rolls eyes* Okay, so I now have a new best friend...whatever his name was...
I got a couple of calls from people who were like, "What was my last charge?" I wanted to ask, "Are you trying to remember what you did last night? How much did you drink???" None of them wanted to know anything, but that. Ehh, whatever.
I also wanted to point out, because it's unlikely to happen again, that I was number one on my team for the month of December. I had the best survey scores. I was number one before I had taken my vacation, but I didn't hold my breath because I figured it wouldn't stay like that. When I got back from vacation, I was still number one. Everybody was doing really well too, but I was still like ten points ahead of the person in second place. I still wasn't holding my breath. In training, I had been top of the class and then out of no where, I crashed and burned. I knew it would happen again...Strangely enough, the Universe must've been looking the other way because I didn't crash too hard!! I stayed number one despite a bad survey about our gift cards, which had nothing to do with me. They never even mentioned the rep they spoke to. *rolls eyes* Jackasses. Apparently though, the Universe was paying attention in time to fuck me out of bonus money because until the day they posted the numbers for the bonuses, I was still in the higher bracket, but on the day the numbers updated one last time, I came out at 91.99, which is nice, but at 92.01, you get a sixty dollar higher pay out...So close. Eh, whatever. It's a bonus, right? Apparently, it was my talk-time that dropped me a little bit. Up until then, I'd been riding at 92.8. Stupid bonus. I get so close...I'm hoping to stay up there, but I doubt it after the calls I've had during the last week...I spent all day Wednesday getting yelled at by people because I couldn't remove their late fees or waive their membership fees or re-age their accounts or anything. You know, when we write off hundreds of dollars worth of fees for you, you can't just keep asking...eventually, we have to say no. *rolls eyes*
I guess that's about it for now...Our lease is coming to an end in at the end of February. We were hoping to buy a house, but that's not going to happen. I missed it by four credit points. I opened a secured credit card, but it's taking a long time for me to get that. I'm not going to raise it in time, I just know it. So, we're going to end up renting a house, which sucks because it's going to cost like twice as much as a mortgage would. Housing prices are so low right now...So, we'll rent in the meantime. I'm hoping we stay close enough to my work so I can still walk or ride my new mountain bike because I still don't have a car. I'm kind of stressed because we have to give our thirty day notice here and then quickly find someplace that's available at the end of February. We can't have the house for rent come up on March 1st, because we have to be out by then...It's just too much to think about right now. And the "not knowing" is keeping me up at night. What if we don't find a place? What if...? Well, you know what I'm talking about. It all just sucks balls...Wish us luck. We need a place with a backyard for our dog...And a place for the garden I so desperately want to plant.
Okay, I'm off to do something constructive...Peace out, all.
So, I was up bright and early for work with Phoenix. I decided to do the Biggest Loser workout before work since I always have spare time. I did the workout and then got ready for work. My left knee (The one I had surgery on that always bothers me.) was hurting and sore. After reading the morning news for far too long, I left for work a few minutes later than usual. I have to walk to work, so I don't get the option to drive extra fast to make up for lost time. So, I left for work, locked my door, and started down the stairs. It was hella cold out, but there was no ice on the stairs. (That would've made it better somehow.) I was halfway down the stairs when I was putting on my iPod. My headphones were tangled, so I let go of the railing to untangle them. I've done this a billion times and never ate shit. Not this time though. I swear, no sooner had I let go and stepped with my left leg that I went flying down the stairs. I stepped with my left leg, my left knee said, "Oh hell no!" and went to Jello. I think my eyes popped out of my head as I realized what was going on. Suddenly, I saw stairs flying towards my face. I threw the iPod and grabbed for the railing, but that did little to stop my fall. Luckily, I had enough sense to tuck my head because I went ass over tea kettle down the remaining stairs. I ended up at the bottom of the stairs, flat on my back on top of my (man)bag. My first thought was, "Fuck! I have to go to work...I only have three hours sick time!" My second thought was, "Get up! People are going to laugh!!" I was the fat girl who fell down the stairs. I never screamed or anything. The only thing I had said was, "Shit!" just as I started to fall. I flew off the ground ninja-style so that no one would see me lying there. If you want to know what it looked like when I fell, well, then go see that movie "How Do You Know" or whatever it's called with Paul Rudd. He falls down the stairs, but he slides halfway down before flipping. I skipped sliding and just went into flipping because that's what all the cool kids do.
I walked to work that morning, and every morning since then, and let me tell you I was sore. Tuesday was a billion times worse. I woke feeling like I had been run over by a speeding train or something. Still, I had to go to work. Sitting in my chair all day only seemed to make it worse. Ehh, whatever...I survived the fall and I'm pretty much all right now. According to the nurse at my work, my "padding" probably saved me from really hurting myself. Good to know the fat came in handy for something. *rolls eyes* My fall, however, earned me a new nickname at work, "Tumble-ina"...You know, like Thumbelina, but not. My cube-mate who likes to mess with me threatened to ice over my stairs if I kept talking smack to her. *grins* Like I know how to stop talking shit? Our other cube-mate who sits across from us then bought me a present to help in case she happened to succeed in icing over my stairs...
Yup, she bought me de-icer. LOL My team at work is our Human Resource Department's worst nightmare. All we do is talk crap to each other. We incessantly tease one another and nothing is said without sarcasm. Yes, what I'm saying is I fit right in with these people, but I am pretty much convinced that when anyone from HR walks by, they close their eyes and plug their ears. What makes it more amusing is that our team leader used to be an HR manager at a store. *grins* She figures as long as we're not offending one another or whatever, then we're fine...I should blog one day and describe the random characters on my team...I think though when they hired me that they were like, "Oh, we know where to put this one..."
For New Year's Eve, we went to Phoenix's sister's house to party. We spent the evening singing karaoke and hanging out with her immediate family, which numbers like 50 people or something. It's crazy. It was a nice mellow evening and then we went to bed far too late to get up far too early for work. My work was so dead on New Year's Day...I took about 35 calls all day. There were times when I went thirty minutes between phone calls. I nearly fell asleep at my desk a few times. I did get some amusing calls though...
My first call of the day was from a scorned woman. One would think men know better than to mess with women...She was pissed off because she'd gotten into an argument with her boyfriend the night before. So, she called in to cut off his credit card!! *laughs wildly* I found that to be my favorite call all day long.
I got a call from a guy who sounded like he was still drinking who wanted to pay his accounts. I had to explain to him that he had paid them two days before and no payments were needed. He was like, "Really? You're my new best friend!" *rolls eyes* Okay, so I now have a new best friend...whatever his name was...
I got a couple of calls from people who were like, "What was my last charge?" I wanted to ask, "Are you trying to remember what you did last night? How much did you drink???" None of them wanted to know anything, but that. Ehh, whatever.
I also wanted to point out, because it's unlikely to happen again, that I was number one on my team for the month of December. I had the best survey scores. I was number one before I had taken my vacation, but I didn't hold my breath because I figured it wouldn't stay like that. When I got back from vacation, I was still number one. Everybody was doing really well too, but I was still like ten points ahead of the person in second place. I still wasn't holding my breath. In training, I had been top of the class and then out of no where, I crashed and burned. I knew it would happen again...Strangely enough, the Universe must've been looking the other way because I didn't crash too hard!! I stayed number one despite a bad survey about our gift cards, which had nothing to do with me. They never even mentioned the rep they spoke to. *rolls eyes* Jackasses. Apparently though, the Universe was paying attention in time to fuck me out of bonus money because until the day they posted the numbers for the bonuses, I was still in the higher bracket, but on the day the numbers updated one last time, I came out at 91.99, which is nice, but at 92.01, you get a sixty dollar higher pay out...So close. Eh, whatever. It's a bonus, right? Apparently, it was my talk-time that dropped me a little bit. Up until then, I'd been riding at 92.8. Stupid bonus. I get so close...I'm hoping to stay up there, but I doubt it after the calls I've had during the last week...I spent all day Wednesday getting yelled at by people because I couldn't remove their late fees or waive their membership fees or re-age their accounts or anything. You know, when we write off hundreds of dollars worth of fees for you, you can't just keep asking...eventually, we have to say no. *rolls eyes*
I guess that's about it for now...Our lease is coming to an end in at the end of February. We were hoping to buy a house, but that's not going to happen. I missed it by four credit points. I opened a secured credit card, but it's taking a long time for me to get that. I'm not going to raise it in time, I just know it. So, we're going to end up renting a house, which sucks because it's going to cost like twice as much as a mortgage would. Housing prices are so low right now...So, we'll rent in the meantime. I'm hoping we stay close enough to my work so I can still walk or ride my new mountain bike because I still don't have a car. I'm kind of stressed because we have to give our thirty day notice here and then quickly find someplace that's available at the end of February. We can't have the house for rent come up on March 1st, because we have to be out by then...It's just too much to think about right now. And the "not knowing" is keeping me up at night. What if we don't find a place? What if...? Well, you know what I'm talking about. It all just sucks balls...Wish us luck. We need a place with a backyard for our dog...And a place for the garden I so desperately want to plant.
Okay, I'm off to do something constructive...Peace out, all.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Dance like no one is watching...
So, it's only been like a billion years since last I wrote. Anyone notice how life seems to get so much more hectic around the holiday times? Why is that? And why do we insist on buying so much crap and spending about a bazillion dollars on our family and friends? I don't know why we do it. Aren't the holidays supposed to be about spending time with those we care about? So, if that's the case, then why do we have to buy them gifts too? Isn't it enough to just show up at their homes, eat their food, and then watch A Christmas Story with them? I should think so...In other words, I'm trying to say I'm broke and if I have to face another crowd of jackasses in the so-called "holiday spirit" again, I'm going to go postal...And if I have to hear one more Christmas song whilst driving around fighting the extra traffic on the road because everyone is out shopping, I'm going to start banging my head into the steering wheel until I pass out or crash into someone. I'm just sayin'...
In other news, I took a long overdue vacation. Phoenix and I spent four days in Cali visiting my family. I've been super worried about my youngest sister because she's been having seizures. I guess they still don't know why she has them, but the doctor thinks she's been having them since infancy. Nice. Apparently, she's not just a restless sleeper. Now, when I have kids, I'm going to be all paranoid. "Was that their leg twitching or are they having a seizure???" And I find myself running through a list of all known injuries to the kid. Is this my fault? When she was like six months old and my mom had a hysterectomy, I was helping out and was giving the kid a bath in the kitchen sink. Of course, in true baby fashion, she started grabbing for everything on the counters, so I held her tightly with one hand and then swept away the things she was reaching for. Ever notice how slippery babies are? Yeah, I didn't know that at the ripe old age of 26...I hadn't bathed a lot of babies. Apparently, they are though, just in case you were wondering. In the two seconds that I held her one-handed, she slipped in my grip and bumped her head on the sink. Oh man, I felt horrible. But now I wonder...Did I give my sister seizures??? It only takes one bump...But then I know she fell down a ton of times when she was learning to walk and I'm hoping that's what caused it and not me. *grins* I know, I'm mean, but come on, I don't want to be the reason. Although, I suppose it's all water under the bridge, right? I mean, there's no way of knowing how it happened. On the plus side, we know what's going on and the doctors are working to get her medication to the right dosage so as to help limit the amount of them she's having. Cross your fingers, folks. I feel bad for the kid. Now, she's not allowed to go swimming, ride a bike, or do any of the awesome and dangerous things we all did as kids...Hey guys, remember when we were kids and we used to ride bikes, skateboard, and roller skate minus the helmets, knee pads/elbow pads, etc? Man, it's amazing any of us survived our childhoods...Survival of the fittest, right? *laughs*
So, California was fine. Then we came home for less than two days and then took off to Sedona!! I was so excited about this part of our vacation because we could sleep in and I was going to write. I wrote like two pages in the entire three days we were there. It was raining and cold and I just wanted to sleep. On our second day there, it was snowing up by Flagstaff, so we got in the car and I drove us up towards Flagstaff. We were on this little two-lane mountain road and despite the rain, which became snow as we climbed, people were still hauling ass on the road. I suppose they didn't notice things I had noticed along the way, like the rock the size of my head in the middle of the road as I came around a turn, a fallen tree branch about two feet into the north-bound lane, etc...According to a local in Sedona, it's because of drivers like that, that there are little white crosses on the side of the roads. As morbid as that is, it's true. If I was doing sixty around a turn and came across a rock the size of my head, I'd have no time to swerve and if I did, I'd end up hitting someone head on or losing control on the slippery road and going into the ravine where the creek runs or whatever. People are fucking idiots! We drove until the snow was sticking good and pulled off a picnic place to take pictures. It was so peaceful and nice, you know, minus the idiots on the road still doing fifty and sixty on the snow-covered road. It was 29* degrees out, so the roads were good and slippery!! After that, we headed back to the time share because it was far too cold and nasty out to do anything else. Along the way, we stopped to rent Ramona and Beezus and Eat, Pray, Love. Ramona and Beezus was cute, but Eat, Pray, Love wasn't all that great. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it's not my type of movie...I mean, unless there's a kid wizard, or hobbits, or singing and dancing, or a crazed maniac running around saying things like, "Here's Jonnie!" or it has a sad ending, it's just not my cup of tea. Wait a second...What if we took all these movie aspects and made it into one movie...I bet that'd be the best movie ever!! lol Other than that, I was just lazy, watching TV...It was a great vacation!
After 11 days off of work, I had to return to work and can I just tell you how hard that was? It totally sucked balls. I was happy to go back and find out that despite getting in more surveys for the calls I had taken before vacation, I am still number one on the team. (The surveys give us scores according to the rating the people give us and then they're posted for everyone to see.) Everyone is congratulating me on it, but they don't know that the higher I fly, the harder I fall. I'm happy I'm up there, but this is my life and the Universe hates me, so I'm not planning on riding high all through the month. If it stays high, I'll get a big bonus, but when I was in training, I had my score this high and just before the month ended, I got in a bad survey and it cut my bonus by over $500 dollars...So not cool. So, I'm not holding my breath. Still, it's cool not to be at the bottom.
So, we went to karaoke again this past Wednesday. You know, Applebees hired a different karaoke guy and this one isn't cool...Like it makes such a huge difference and this dude doesn't have great songs to choose from...Still, there we were. Phoenix's nieces sang and people were telling them how great they were. Then suddenly the DJ says, "Coming up next is..." And announces Phoenix's sister and...ME!? I was all, "What?" I had no clue she had put in my name with her. Of course, we rocked Love Shack because that's apparently our song now. And I get to sing Fred's part because in my relationship with Phoenix's sister I also get to be the boy. *laughs* Supposedly, I have a "boy voice" whatever that means. After that, I had to stop the kids from putting in my name again. They wanted me to sing "London Bridges" because the guy didn't have "Fergalicious". Seriously? Don't these kids know I'm not Fergie? I barely even know her music...*shifty eyes, hides Fergie poster and CDs* I have no clue why karaoke is so much fun...I can't even sing. Although, after listening to some of the other people who "sing" at karaoke, I'm not all that bad...I'm just sayin'...
Yesterday was when I took my turn to go shopping for Phoenix after we made a ton of tamales. I stopped helping after 24 or 25 dozen. My partner, her nephew, had given up like a dozen or two before me...I just couldn't do it anymore. My fingers had turned all wrinkly like I had been in the bathtub or swimming for a few hours. I retreated to the couch to watch TV. Then after a while, I left to go shopping...I should never ever be allowed to go shopping alone. First of all, my stupid phone lost its signal as it was navigating me to the place I needed to go, so then I drove on instinct alone...And once I got close, I followed a few signs. Then once I found the place, I parked and went into the mall. I got totally turned around because the mall map was all kinds of screwed up. Let's forget about color coding shit and just use obvious things like the names of the stores and arrows saying things like, "YOU ARE HERE!" Eventually, I found the store, again, by instinct. The store I went to was far too crowded and I was tempted to call the fire marshal because I'm pretty sure there were too many people in there. Had there been a fire, I'm not sure we would've all gotten out. Well, I would've, but that's only because I would've climbed over people to get out. The place looked as though it had been robbed because everything was sold. Okay, not everything, but damn near it...I was afraid that Phoenix was going to end up getting a picture of the item I wanted to get her instead of the actual item. No matter how amusing I would've found that, I'm not sure she would've laughed with me. *grins* After waiting about fifteen or twenty minutes, it was my turn to get what I wanted. I was glad I didn't have to wait any longer because, being the weirdo magnet I am, I got stuck chatting with a rather large man who came to stand by me. Why, oh why, do they come to me? He was all, "What're you here for?" I told him. He said, "I'm here to get something for my wife." He then went on to tell me that every year he gets the same thing-- socks and underwear. Really? I don't want to know anything about this dude and his underwear. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I simply said, "Perhaps it's time you ask for something better." He laughed. Sure, small talk passes the time, but so does playing on my phone. Then, I get the smartass worker who's all, "You know, next year, if you want to avoid the crowds, you could shop earlier." Oh, you think, genius? I replied, "I was on vacation for two weeks out of town, then I worked for the last couple of days, so this is my first chance to shop. I think this coming year though, I'll do my shopping in July. You have a Merry Christmas." And then I walked out. Really, idiot? If I shop earlier, there won't be crowds? Damn, I never would've thought of that. *rolls eyes* People just amaze me. I think by then I was just annoyed with her because she was trying to sell me something far more expensive than what I was looking for. She wasn't happy when I stuck with what I had asked for in the first place. Stupid woman.
After all of this, I went to pick up Phoenix, her nieces, and nephew and we all came back to our apartment. I decided to make some cookies and everyone played Sing Star, you know, because we like to sing. They used me as a "life line", so I would jump in and sing for a team when they didn't know the song being sung. I was fine with that. At some point in time, they were trying to pick a song and it came to Hit Me Baby One More Time or whatever that song is called. I was in the kitchen taking cookies out of the oven and taking them off the pan so they could cool. I had seen everyone in the living room looking at the TV as they discussed the song. I was singing along with the clip of the song and started dancing...you know...like no one is watching. Apparently, someone was watching. Phoenix's nephew had looked over and saw me dancing...Or more appropriately, "shaking my groove thang". He just stared at me with a horrified look on his face and I was completely oblivious to this as I was busy with the cookies and dancing...Phoenix looked at him and asked what was wrong. It was only then that I stopped and looked as he said something about me dancing. I couldn't stop laughing. I was literally crying I was laughing so hard because he had been so taken about by seeing a fat girl shake her ass. So, when people say things like you should dance like no one is watching, you'd best be damn sure no one is watching...And that no one can see you...Poor kid, he's like scarred for life now...No one should have to see me shake my money maker. Even I don't want to know what I look like dancing. *laughs wildly* Oh man, it still makes me laugh my ass off...I'm just going to guess I don't look half as good as Britney Spears does when she dances in her school-girl outfit...
Okay, I'm off to make myself look half-way decent since we have multiple places to go this evening...Gotta love these holidays!! Peace on earth out...Or peace out...you know, whatever.
In other news, I took a long overdue vacation. Phoenix and I spent four days in Cali visiting my family. I've been super worried about my youngest sister because she's been having seizures. I guess they still don't know why she has them, but the doctor thinks she's been having them since infancy. Nice. Apparently, she's not just a restless sleeper. Now, when I have kids, I'm going to be all paranoid. "Was that their leg twitching or are they having a seizure???" And I find myself running through a list of all known injuries to the kid. Is this my fault? When she was like six months old and my mom had a hysterectomy, I was helping out and was giving the kid a bath in the kitchen sink. Of course, in true baby fashion, she started grabbing for everything on the counters, so I held her tightly with one hand and then swept away the things she was reaching for. Ever notice how slippery babies are? Yeah, I didn't know that at the ripe old age of 26...I hadn't bathed a lot of babies. Apparently, they are though, just in case you were wondering. In the two seconds that I held her one-handed, she slipped in my grip and bumped her head on the sink. Oh man, I felt horrible. But now I wonder...Did I give my sister seizures??? It only takes one bump...But then I know she fell down a ton of times when she was learning to walk and I'm hoping that's what caused it and not me. *grins* I know, I'm mean, but come on, I don't want to be the reason. Although, I suppose it's all water under the bridge, right? I mean, there's no way of knowing how it happened. On the plus side, we know what's going on and the doctors are working to get her medication to the right dosage so as to help limit the amount of them she's having. Cross your fingers, folks. I feel bad for the kid. Now, she's not allowed to go swimming, ride a bike, or do any of the awesome and dangerous things we all did as kids...Hey guys, remember when we were kids and we used to ride bikes, skateboard, and roller skate minus the helmets, knee pads/elbow pads, etc? Man, it's amazing any of us survived our childhoods...Survival of the fittest, right? *laughs*
So, California was fine. Then we came home for less than two days and then took off to Sedona!! I was so excited about this part of our vacation because we could sleep in and I was going to write. I wrote like two pages in the entire three days we were there. It was raining and cold and I just wanted to sleep. On our second day there, it was snowing up by Flagstaff, so we got in the car and I drove us up towards Flagstaff. We were on this little two-lane mountain road and despite the rain, which became snow as we climbed, people were still hauling ass on the road. I suppose they didn't notice things I had noticed along the way, like the rock the size of my head in the middle of the road as I came around a turn, a fallen tree branch about two feet into the north-bound lane, etc...According to a local in Sedona, it's because of drivers like that, that there are little white crosses on the side of the roads. As morbid as that is, it's true. If I was doing sixty around a turn and came across a rock the size of my head, I'd have no time to swerve and if I did, I'd end up hitting someone head on or losing control on the slippery road and going into the ravine where the creek runs or whatever. People are fucking idiots! We drove until the snow was sticking good and pulled off a picnic place to take pictures. It was so peaceful and nice, you know, minus the idiots on the road still doing fifty and sixty on the snow-covered road. It was 29* degrees out, so the roads were good and slippery!! After that, we headed back to the time share because it was far too cold and nasty out to do anything else. Along the way, we stopped to rent Ramona and Beezus and Eat, Pray, Love. Ramona and Beezus was cute, but Eat, Pray, Love wasn't all that great. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it's not my type of movie...I mean, unless there's a kid wizard, or hobbits, or singing and dancing, or a crazed maniac running around saying things like, "Here's Jonnie!" or it has a sad ending, it's just not my cup of tea. Wait a second...What if we took all these movie aspects and made it into one movie...I bet that'd be the best movie ever!! lol Other than that, I was just lazy, watching TV...It was a great vacation!
After 11 days off of work, I had to return to work and can I just tell you how hard that was? It totally sucked balls. I was happy to go back and find out that despite getting in more surveys for the calls I had taken before vacation, I am still number one on the team. (The surveys give us scores according to the rating the people give us and then they're posted for everyone to see.) Everyone is congratulating me on it, but they don't know that the higher I fly, the harder I fall. I'm happy I'm up there, but this is my life and the Universe hates me, so I'm not planning on riding high all through the month. If it stays high, I'll get a big bonus, but when I was in training, I had my score this high and just before the month ended, I got in a bad survey and it cut my bonus by over $500 dollars...So not cool. So, I'm not holding my breath. Still, it's cool not to be at the bottom.
So, we went to karaoke again this past Wednesday. You know, Applebees hired a different karaoke guy and this one isn't cool...Like it makes such a huge difference and this dude doesn't have great songs to choose from...Still, there we were. Phoenix's nieces sang and people were telling them how great they were. Then suddenly the DJ says, "Coming up next is..." And announces Phoenix's sister and...ME!? I was all, "What?" I had no clue she had put in my name with her. Of course, we rocked Love Shack because that's apparently our song now. And I get to sing Fred's part because in my relationship with Phoenix's sister I also get to be the boy. *laughs* Supposedly, I have a "boy voice" whatever that means. After that, I had to stop the kids from putting in my name again. They wanted me to sing "London Bridges" because the guy didn't have "Fergalicious". Seriously? Don't these kids know I'm not Fergie? I barely even know her music...*shifty eyes, hides Fergie poster and CDs* I have no clue why karaoke is so much fun...I can't even sing. Although, after listening to some of the other people who "sing" at karaoke, I'm not all that bad...I'm just sayin'...
Yesterday was when I took my turn to go shopping for Phoenix after we made a ton of tamales. I stopped helping after 24 or 25 dozen. My partner, her nephew, had given up like a dozen or two before me...I just couldn't do it anymore. My fingers had turned all wrinkly like I had been in the bathtub or swimming for a few hours. I retreated to the couch to watch TV. Then after a while, I left to go shopping...I should never ever be allowed to go shopping alone. First of all, my stupid phone lost its signal as it was navigating me to the place I needed to go, so then I drove on instinct alone...And once I got close, I followed a few signs. Then once I found the place, I parked and went into the mall. I got totally turned around because the mall map was all kinds of screwed up. Let's forget about color coding shit and just use obvious things like the names of the stores and arrows saying things like, "YOU ARE HERE!" Eventually, I found the store, again, by instinct. The store I went to was far too crowded and I was tempted to call the fire marshal because I'm pretty sure there were too many people in there. Had there been a fire, I'm not sure we would've all gotten out. Well, I would've, but that's only because I would've climbed over people to get out. The place looked as though it had been robbed because everything was sold. Okay, not everything, but damn near it...I was afraid that Phoenix was going to end up getting a picture of the item I wanted to get her instead of the actual item. No matter how amusing I would've found that, I'm not sure she would've laughed with me. *grins* After waiting about fifteen or twenty minutes, it was my turn to get what I wanted. I was glad I didn't have to wait any longer because, being the weirdo magnet I am, I got stuck chatting with a rather large man who came to stand by me. Why, oh why, do they come to me? He was all, "What're you here for?" I told him. He said, "I'm here to get something for my wife." He then went on to tell me that every year he gets the same thing-- socks and underwear. Really? I don't want to know anything about this dude and his underwear. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I simply said, "Perhaps it's time you ask for something better." He laughed. Sure, small talk passes the time, but so does playing on my phone. Then, I get the smartass worker who's all, "You know, next year, if you want to avoid the crowds, you could shop earlier." Oh, you think, genius? I replied, "I was on vacation for two weeks out of town, then I worked for the last couple of days, so this is my first chance to shop. I think this coming year though, I'll do my shopping in July. You have a Merry Christmas." And then I walked out. Really, idiot? If I shop earlier, there won't be crowds? Damn, I never would've thought of that. *rolls eyes* People just amaze me. I think by then I was just annoyed with her because she was trying to sell me something far more expensive than what I was looking for. She wasn't happy when I stuck with what I had asked for in the first place. Stupid woman.
After all of this, I went to pick up Phoenix, her nieces, and nephew and we all came back to our apartment. I decided to make some cookies and everyone played Sing Star, you know, because we like to sing. They used me as a "life line", so I would jump in and sing for a team when they didn't know the song being sung. I was fine with that. At some point in time, they were trying to pick a song and it came to Hit Me Baby One More Time or whatever that song is called. I was in the kitchen taking cookies out of the oven and taking them off the pan so they could cool. I had seen everyone in the living room looking at the TV as they discussed the song. I was singing along with the clip of the song and started dancing...you know...like no one is watching. Apparently, someone was watching. Phoenix's nephew had looked over and saw me dancing...Or more appropriately, "shaking my groove thang". He just stared at me with a horrified look on his face and I was completely oblivious to this as I was busy with the cookies and dancing...Phoenix looked at him and asked what was wrong. It was only then that I stopped and looked as he said something about me dancing. I couldn't stop laughing. I was literally crying I was laughing so hard because he had been so taken about by seeing a fat girl shake her ass. So, when people say things like you should dance like no one is watching, you'd best be damn sure no one is watching...And that no one can see you...Poor kid, he's like scarred for life now...No one should have to see me shake my money maker. Even I don't want to know what I look like dancing. *laughs wildly* Oh man, it still makes me laugh my ass off...I'm just going to guess I don't look half as good as Britney Spears does when she dances in her school-girl outfit...
Okay, I'm off to make myself look half-way decent since we have multiple places to go this evening...Gotta love these holidays!! Peace on earth out...Or peace out...you know, whatever.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Night in the Hospital
So, when we last left off, I was checked into my room. I was told I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight. Of course, by then it was 11:30 or maybe 11:40 and my stomach was growling. There's nothing quite like having people listen to your lungs and chest whilst your stomach is yelling, "FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!" And what's worse is that then I look like the fat girl who wants to eat all the time...Which I don't, but it looks bad...But I didn't care. Phoenix left, came home (which is like a 30 second drive), and made me a sandwich. She returned with the sandwich, and as I lay in my hospital bed, chowing down on the best ham sandwich (I don't like ham very much.) I'd ever had in my life, I suddenly thought, "Oh, for the love of God...I'm the fat girl, in the hospital with chest pains, eating a ham sandwich...Who am I? Mama Cass in the making???" (She died of cardiac arrest, not from choking on a ham sandwich, you jerks!) On the plus side, I don't have an awesome singing voice, so I pushed aside my worries and finished my sandwich.
After eating and brushing my teeth, Phoenix decided to head home. I flipped on the television and laid back to sleep. My nurse, Elvis (a Mexican looking lad), came in to check on me. I told him I was tired and would be going to sleep. He made sure I wasn't in any pain and then said he'd be back to check on me. What he failed to mention was that he'd be back in like forty minutes to check on me! I was watching The Best Thing I Ever Ate on Food Network as I was dozing off and I had rolled on my left side and dozed off. Suddenly, there's Elvis, leaning in close to me and I was startled, "What?" I asked, sitting up. He asked, "Are you having chest pains? Shortness of breath?" I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest because the fool had just scared the crap out of me. Most people don't get up in my face when they wake me up...I replied, "No. I was sleeping. I don't feel anything." He said, "Your heart monitor was going off. I'm ordering an EKG. They'll be here in a few minutes." I nodded and sat up since they'd be arriving shortly, whoever they were...
A couple minutes later, a woman comes in, pushing a large EKG machine. She applies more stickers to my chest and abdomen, as though the other fifteen weren't enough, and does her test...Yup, no heart attack. Elvis returns and says, "It wasn't a heart attack...I wonder if one of your stickies is loose..." Yup, the one on my left side had come loose. We could've avoided the 2am EKG!! WTF!? I could've avoided getting groped by yet another hospital staff. Seriously. It's bad enough to be in there, but to have people reaching in and around my gown is a bit disturbing...At least buy me dinner first. So, Elvis gets me all settled in again and leaves.
I no sooner closed my eyes and dozed off then someone comes into my room. I half-open my eyes and see this woman who looked a great deal like Helena Bonham Carter (Yes, the girl who plays Bellatrix Lestrange in Harry Potter and Jonny Depp's love interest in Swedney Todd.) only this nurse was not quite as waif-life as HBC. So, I sit up a bit and ask, "What're you here for?" She smiles and says, "To draw your blood." She had my door slightly open and then proceeded to draw my blood in the light that spilled in from the open door and the dim light from the television set behind her. She chatted with me as she attempted to locate a vein in my arm. After poking me and completely missing the vein, she said, "Sorry about that. I'm going to have to repoke you because I hate digging around in people's arms...It makes me sick to my stomach. Plus, I'm sure they don't like it either." Really? I can't imagine why someone wouldn't like to have another person dig in their arm with a NEEDLE! WTF!? I smiled and said, "Yeah...Please, poke away." She drew my blood from a vein near my index finger on my left hand...Weird. I couldn't believe she did all this in the mostly dark room. She then bid me good night and left. Even as she left, I couldn't stop thinking how much she looked like Helena Bonham Carter...And then I wondered if she was as creepy as the characters HBC always plays...Of course, I fell back to sleep right after that.
Just as I dozed off, a nurse in training came in to take my vitals. She apologized for disturbing me, but she had to make sure everything was okay. I quietly let her take my vitals. It was like 2:45am by then. After she left, I yanked the sheet up and tried to go back to sleep. I was so beyond exhausted. Out of nowhere, (at like 3:30am) this other nurse comes in, flips on the light, sees I had been sleeping and turns it back off. "Hi, I'm here to give you a breathing treatment." I don't do breathing treatments. I have minor asthma that acts up when I'm sick...Or when I smoke too much...Or perhaps after running. I had been sleeping. I didn't need a treatment. I was all, "Okay...Who ordered this?" She said, "Everyone gets them." She hooked it all up and then handed me the pipe-looking thing and had me breathe deeply. This went on for like 5 minutes. I felt high by the time we were done. I felt light-headed and out of it. As I did the treatment, she had been leaning against my sink texting wildly. After she finally left, I laid back only to have Elvis come back in, "You okay?" I said, "I'm fine. Just exhausted." He smiled and said, "Okay. Did you ask for the breathing treatment?" I said, "No. She said everyone gets them." He shook his head and said, "Oh, okay." Apparently, not everyone gets them.
I finally went back to sleep and I have no idea who else came in my room or what they did to me as I slept. I was so fucking tired that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade could've walked by and I wouldn't have noticed. At 5:30, Elvis came in to give me my thyroid medication. I thanked him and passed back out. At 6, a nurse came in to check my vitals. At 6:30 a man came in who looked like my World History teacher from high school (Yes, folks, I am speaking of Mr. Samuels with his crazy curly hair.). He said, "I need to draw your blood. Your last sample wasn't very good. The red cells were bursting, so we couldn't accurately test it." He then stabs me in my arm with a needle, takes the blood, and is gone. I wasn't impressed with him because he did it with the lights on. I fell back to sleep for a couple of minutes before the new nurse came on shift. He came in my room and put his name on my board and said, "Oh, good morning" when I looked over at him. Really??? I need sleep, you fuckers! Well, that's what I wanted to say, but only thought it. I laid there, staring at the ceiling until another nurse in training came in to check my vitals. She said, "I'll be quick." As she hooked me up, she said, "I hate these machines...There are so many wires. Sometimes I get them mixed up." REALLY!? The machine has a blood pressure cuff, the thing for your finger, and a thermometer! I said, "So, I take it you don't run the EKG machine?" She smiled at me and said, "No." I pointed out that that machine had a buttload of wires. After she left, I gave up on sleep.
Phoenix came back at like 8:15am. She was all freshly showered and in clean clothes, while I felt like something the cat had dragged in. I made her go home and get me shorts to put under my gown since they were going to make me do a stress test. I just couldn't bring myself to be on the treadmill with my undies showing. I got my blood drawn yet again. This time by some old lady who had no trouble finding a vein in my arm. She didn't even leave a bruise, unlike the Mr. Samuels look alike who left me a bruise on my arm, which made me look like I was in an abusive relationship. Not long after she came back with them, they took me down to the treadmill. The doctor started asking me questions about where I worked and stuff and as soon as I told him where I worked, he was like, "Oh! That's the only credit card I use!" Then him and the tech wouldn't stop asking me questions about how the cards work and are they worth it. Really, bastards? I'm trying to jog on this treadmill in non-slip socks, in a gown, with shorts, and no bra. This isn't a shining moment in my life. Stop talking and let me get through this! Instead of going off on the ignorant bastards, I answered their questions. The tech tried telling me that they had solicited him for the "Black Card"...Okay, to get the black card, you have to spend like $250,000 with us, annually...And have great credit and like a billion dollars in your wallet at all times. Seriously. You have to be super rich. Think like Jay Z rich. I said, "Really? That card is like $2500 a year, plus a $5000 start up fee." He said, "No, they offered it to me for less." I said, "So they offered you a platinum card." He insisted it was the black card....*rolls eyes* He wishes. It's funny to see little men with big dreams...The black card. HA!
So, after jogging, and giving myself a couple of black eyes because we all know big girls shouldn't do anything bra-less, especially jog, I was told I passed the test. The doc said, "I don't think you had a heart attack. Everything is fine. I'm going to suggest they release you." Oh, okay, that's awesome, but what was causing the pain!? I was taken back to my room by the tech and a friend of his, and together, they were like Dumb and Dumber. Really. I worry about ever going back to the hospital after seeing the people who work there. I mean, I know my friends and we can be a goofy bunch, but I think we'd do better there than these goons.
Finally, it was decided that I was to be discharged. As I waited, Phoenix began to worry because she missed work that day, but there was training she didn't want to miss, which was at 1pm. At noon, she was convinced she wouldn't make it. I suggested she go and I would just walk home, but she said, "You can't walk home!" *rolls eyes* My heart works just fine! The doctor came in and talked to me. He said, "Well, your heart is all right. You may want to follow up with your own doctor." I explained that the heart doctor had said it could be my pancreas. He agreed and then started going on and on about something before asking, "Do you smoke?" I said, "Nope." Then I added that I had quit almost two years ago. He said, "Oh, well, we do see this in ex-smokers. They get chest pains for no reason." Seriously? It's the mystery of the ex-smoker? Ex-smoker's disease, which causes random chest pains like a heart attack? Okay, moron. Where the hell is Dr. House??? I'd settle for Dr. Grey or Dr. Bailey. Actors could do a better job at diagnosing me with something!
I was finally able to put on my real clothes and my beloved bra again to go home. They told me I had to wait for someone to come get me. The person they sent was this old lady who weighed like 90 pounds soaking wet. Really? Grandma is going to push me all the way downstairs to my car? Are you kidding me? Oh yeah, grandma did it too, took me all the way to my car! She told me at my car, "I'm not going to be able to help you out of the chair." I said, "That's okay. I'm fine, really. I could've walked out." She said, "Oh no. You're not allowed to walk out." *rolls eyes* I should've pushed her out in the wheelchair...
At long last, I got home and was able to take a shower. I felt disgusting! Hospitals are so gross! I mean, there's so many germs and God only knows what else there. I refrained from scrubbing up with some steal wool and Comet and settled for a hard scrubbing with my body wash...Still, I felt gross. It was great to be home though. I was able to sleep without people poking me or doing EKGs. And after all that, we still have no idea what caused the pains...Next time, I'm not going to the hospital unless I'm convinced I'm dying...*rolls eyes* Those guys are morons, I'm telling you!! And the best part is that my arm had a bruise from the Mr. Samuels wanna-be who drew my blood, a bruise from the blood pressure cuff they used, and marks from the stickers, which I'm apparently allergic to. The sticker marks are still there after a week...Nice, huh?
After eating and brushing my teeth, Phoenix decided to head home. I flipped on the television and laid back to sleep. My nurse, Elvis (a Mexican looking lad), came in to check on me. I told him I was tired and would be going to sleep. He made sure I wasn't in any pain and then said he'd be back to check on me. What he failed to mention was that he'd be back in like forty minutes to check on me! I was watching The Best Thing I Ever Ate on Food Network as I was dozing off and I had rolled on my left side and dozed off. Suddenly, there's Elvis, leaning in close to me and I was startled, "What?" I asked, sitting up. He asked, "Are you having chest pains? Shortness of breath?" I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest because the fool had just scared the crap out of me. Most people don't get up in my face when they wake me up...I replied, "No. I was sleeping. I don't feel anything." He said, "Your heart monitor was going off. I'm ordering an EKG. They'll be here in a few minutes." I nodded and sat up since they'd be arriving shortly, whoever they were...
A couple minutes later, a woman comes in, pushing a large EKG machine. She applies more stickers to my chest and abdomen, as though the other fifteen weren't enough, and does her test...Yup, no heart attack. Elvis returns and says, "It wasn't a heart attack...I wonder if one of your stickies is loose..." Yup, the one on my left side had come loose. We could've avoided the 2am EKG!! WTF!? I could've avoided getting groped by yet another hospital staff. Seriously. It's bad enough to be in there, but to have people reaching in and around my gown is a bit disturbing...At least buy me dinner first. So, Elvis gets me all settled in again and leaves.
I no sooner closed my eyes and dozed off then someone comes into my room. I half-open my eyes and see this woman who looked a great deal like Helena Bonham Carter (Yes, the girl who plays Bellatrix Lestrange in Harry Potter and Jonny Depp's love interest in Swedney Todd.) only this nurse was not quite as waif-life as HBC. So, I sit up a bit and ask, "What're you here for?" She smiles and says, "To draw your blood." She had my door slightly open and then proceeded to draw my blood in the light that spilled in from the open door and the dim light from the television set behind her. She chatted with me as she attempted to locate a vein in my arm. After poking me and completely missing the vein, she said, "Sorry about that. I'm going to have to repoke you because I hate digging around in people's arms...It makes me sick to my stomach. Plus, I'm sure they don't like it either." Really? I can't imagine why someone wouldn't like to have another person dig in their arm with a NEEDLE! WTF!? I smiled and said, "Yeah...Please, poke away." She drew my blood from a vein near my index finger on my left hand...Weird. I couldn't believe she did all this in the mostly dark room. She then bid me good night and left. Even as she left, I couldn't stop thinking how much she looked like Helena Bonham Carter...And then I wondered if she was as creepy as the characters HBC always plays...Of course, I fell back to sleep right after that.
Just as I dozed off, a nurse in training came in to take my vitals. She apologized for disturbing me, but she had to make sure everything was okay. I quietly let her take my vitals. It was like 2:45am by then. After she left, I yanked the sheet up and tried to go back to sleep. I was so beyond exhausted. Out of nowhere, (at like 3:30am) this other nurse comes in, flips on the light, sees I had been sleeping and turns it back off. "Hi, I'm here to give you a breathing treatment." I don't do breathing treatments. I have minor asthma that acts up when I'm sick...Or when I smoke too much...Or perhaps after running. I had been sleeping. I didn't need a treatment. I was all, "Okay...Who ordered this?" She said, "Everyone gets them." She hooked it all up and then handed me the pipe-looking thing and had me breathe deeply. This went on for like 5 minutes. I felt high by the time we were done. I felt light-headed and out of it. As I did the treatment, she had been leaning against my sink texting wildly. After she finally left, I laid back only to have Elvis come back in, "You okay?" I said, "I'm fine. Just exhausted." He smiled and said, "Okay. Did you ask for the breathing treatment?" I said, "No. She said everyone gets them." He shook his head and said, "Oh, okay." Apparently, not everyone gets them.
I finally went back to sleep and I have no idea who else came in my room or what they did to me as I slept. I was so fucking tired that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade could've walked by and I wouldn't have noticed. At 5:30, Elvis came in to give me my thyroid medication. I thanked him and passed back out. At 6, a nurse came in to check my vitals. At 6:30 a man came in who looked like my World History teacher from high school (Yes, folks, I am speaking of Mr. Samuels with his crazy curly hair.). He said, "I need to draw your blood. Your last sample wasn't very good. The red cells were bursting, so we couldn't accurately test it." He then stabs me in my arm with a needle, takes the blood, and is gone. I wasn't impressed with him because he did it with the lights on. I fell back to sleep for a couple of minutes before the new nurse came on shift. He came in my room and put his name on my board and said, "Oh, good morning" when I looked over at him. Really??? I need sleep, you fuckers! Well, that's what I wanted to say, but only thought it. I laid there, staring at the ceiling until another nurse in training came in to check my vitals. She said, "I'll be quick." As she hooked me up, she said, "I hate these machines...There are so many wires. Sometimes I get them mixed up." REALLY!? The machine has a blood pressure cuff, the thing for your finger, and a thermometer! I said, "So, I take it you don't run the EKG machine?" She smiled at me and said, "No." I pointed out that that machine had a buttload of wires. After she left, I gave up on sleep.
Phoenix came back at like 8:15am. She was all freshly showered and in clean clothes, while I felt like something the cat had dragged in. I made her go home and get me shorts to put under my gown since they were going to make me do a stress test. I just couldn't bring myself to be on the treadmill with my undies showing. I got my blood drawn yet again. This time by some old lady who had no trouble finding a vein in my arm. She didn't even leave a bruise, unlike the Mr. Samuels look alike who left me a bruise on my arm, which made me look like I was in an abusive relationship. Not long after she came back with them, they took me down to the treadmill. The doctor started asking me questions about where I worked and stuff and as soon as I told him where I worked, he was like, "Oh! That's the only credit card I use!" Then him and the tech wouldn't stop asking me questions about how the cards work and are they worth it. Really, bastards? I'm trying to jog on this treadmill in non-slip socks, in a gown, with shorts, and no bra. This isn't a shining moment in my life. Stop talking and let me get through this! Instead of going off on the ignorant bastards, I answered their questions. The tech tried telling me that they had solicited him for the "Black Card"...Okay, to get the black card, you have to spend like $250,000 with us, annually...And have great credit and like a billion dollars in your wallet at all times. Seriously. You have to be super rich. Think like Jay Z rich. I said, "Really? That card is like $2500 a year, plus a $5000 start up fee." He said, "No, they offered it to me for less." I said, "So they offered you a platinum card." He insisted it was the black card....*rolls eyes* He wishes. It's funny to see little men with big dreams...The black card. HA!
So, after jogging, and giving myself a couple of black eyes because we all know big girls shouldn't do anything bra-less, especially jog, I was told I passed the test. The doc said, "I don't think you had a heart attack. Everything is fine. I'm going to suggest they release you." Oh, okay, that's awesome, but what was causing the pain!? I was taken back to my room by the tech and a friend of his, and together, they were like Dumb and Dumber. Really. I worry about ever going back to the hospital after seeing the people who work there. I mean, I know my friends and we can be a goofy bunch, but I think we'd do better there than these goons.
Finally, it was decided that I was to be discharged. As I waited, Phoenix began to worry because she missed work that day, but there was training she didn't want to miss, which was at 1pm. At noon, she was convinced she wouldn't make it. I suggested she go and I would just walk home, but she said, "You can't walk home!" *rolls eyes* My heart works just fine! The doctor came in and talked to me. He said, "Well, your heart is all right. You may want to follow up with your own doctor." I explained that the heart doctor had said it could be my pancreas. He agreed and then started going on and on about something before asking, "Do you smoke?" I said, "Nope." Then I added that I had quit almost two years ago. He said, "Oh, well, we do see this in ex-smokers. They get chest pains for no reason." Seriously? It's the mystery of the ex-smoker? Ex-smoker's disease, which causes random chest pains like a heart attack? Okay, moron. Where the hell is Dr. House??? I'd settle for Dr. Grey or Dr. Bailey. Actors could do a better job at diagnosing me with something!
I was finally able to put on my real clothes and my beloved bra again to go home. They told me I had to wait for someone to come get me. The person they sent was this old lady who weighed like 90 pounds soaking wet. Really? Grandma is going to push me all the way downstairs to my car? Are you kidding me? Oh yeah, grandma did it too, took me all the way to my car! She told me at my car, "I'm not going to be able to help you out of the chair." I said, "That's okay. I'm fine, really. I could've walked out." She said, "Oh no. You're not allowed to walk out." *rolls eyes* I should've pushed her out in the wheelchair...
At long last, I got home and was able to take a shower. I felt disgusting! Hospitals are so gross! I mean, there's so many germs and God only knows what else there. I refrained from scrubbing up with some steal wool and Comet and settled for a hard scrubbing with my body wash...Still, I felt gross. It was great to be home though. I was able to sleep without people poking me or doing EKGs. And after all that, we still have no idea what caused the pains...Next time, I'm not going to the hospital unless I'm convinced I'm dying...*rolls eyes* Those guys are morons, I'm telling you!! And the best part is that my arm had a bruise from the Mr. Samuels wanna-be who drew my blood, a bruise from the blood pressure cuff they used, and marks from the stickers, which I'm apparently allergic to. The sticker marks are still there after a week...Nice, huh?
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