Chopped: The Empty Kitchen Version

I think that growing up sucks...I mean, as we grow up we start to realize things aren't as great as they seem when we were younger...For instance, it was sad to learn that Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy (Phoenix, I'm sorry, but she doesn't exist...), hobbits, elves, etc don't exist. I remember one Christmas, right before I stopped believing in Santa, my parents tricked me...I had woken up and, most likely, had heard them putting out the presents. My mom came into my room and told me to be quiet because Santa was there and he'd leave if he knew I was awake. Then my dad came in and whispered that Santa was leaving all kinds of presents in the living room. Then, I heard Santa call out, "A merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" And then I heard something on the roof...A second later, my dad was all, "Did you hear that?" And my mom was talking to me the whole time...It was dark in my room, so I couldn't see them, just hear them. Yeah, I figured out a couple years later that my dad had crawled out of my room (I might've seen him in the dark had he stood up), hurried down the hall to the front door, snuck out onto the front porch, yelled his head off like a maniac, and then threw a handful of rocks from our gravel-like circular drive onto the roof...Very clever indeed...And kept me fooled for one more year about the big guy's existence. Unfortunately, I wasn't a gullible kid, so I caught on that life pretty much blows pretty early on...And for those of you wondering, I was seventeen at the time...


I mention this because I think because as kids, teens, etc, we have this idea that the fridge and cupboards magically fill themselves. Some of us might've had to go grocery shopping with mom or whatever, but still, you were never really required to make it happen...Apparently though, if neither Phoenix nor I go shopping, the cupboards will eventually become empty...This hasn't happened yet, but we're getting close. I actually muttered these words last night, "I just cooked up the last of the pork chops...I think all that's left for dinner tomorrow night is chicken wings...And just a few at that. Oh, and, no BBQ sauce." She had laughed, as if I were kidding with her. She's so cute when she thinks I'm being funny. As she left for work today, I said, "Look" and opened the freezer to show her that we have Otter Pops (I love me some blue Otter Pops!), some mostly freezer-burned meatballs she got from somewhere, a half-eaten container of Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar Ice Cream (you know that's not mine...I would've finished it.), some frozen veggies, the wings, and a few other odds and ends. She laughed. Then, as she was leaving, she said, "Make the wings with a teriyaki glaze or something...That'd be good." As I sputtered that I know nothing of making teriyaki glazes and that our deep fryer is out of oil (I cleaned it out.) and would have to fry the chicken wings in a pot on the stove top, she smiled and said, "You're good at making miracles happen." Doesn't she know this isn't Chopped: The Empty Kitchen version!? My mystery ingredients shouldn't be whatever we have left in the cupboards since neither of us has gone grocery shopping! Where's my mommy? Why doesn't she go shopping for me? I hate grocery shopping...


Speaking of the 'rents and all that, I had a sort of rude awakening the other night...I was looking online to see if I could find a song sung by one of the American Idols from last season...You know that girl Allison? She was so good. Yeah, Adam was great, but she was only 16 and rocked. Anyway, I was looking for that song, "Alone" and I saw it was by Heart. So, I looked up Heart and turns out I like a handful of their songs...I had no clue. And on iTunes, it suggests other groups you might like. And I was like, "Oh...I like these groups..." Then I talked to my mom a little while later and told her about the music I found. These were groups like Jethro Tull, Steppenwolf, etc...As I mentioned these groups, she says, "Those are groups that jackass liked." (For those not in the know, "Jackass" is my father. He is an abusive mother fucker and I don't talk to him anymore.) I mean, I knew that he was the one who mostly like classic rock, and it's bad enough that I like some Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, which are a couple of his favorites...But now I like these other groups too??? Like I don't want to be anything like him. I don't even want to like the same foods that he likes. What, he likes air? I hate air. Okay, that's a bit extreme, but yeah...Perhaps we can't escape some things from our parents, huh?


I know that some of you are going, "Wait a second...Your dad pretended there was a Santa, but then you say he was abusive?" Yes, well, he wasn't a jackass all the time...He had his good moments. But I have to wonder how a person can go from this:


A dad with his adorable daughter...And yes, that's me. I was a cute baby. Who knows what happened after that, but I was cute then...Anyway, so what makes a man go from that to this:


Damn it...That's scary too, but wrong picture...
Here we go:


Much better...How does a man go though, from being a seemingly good guy to the devil? Ehh, who knows?


You know what I do know though? I know that I need to go figure out how to make a teriyaki glaze for dinner!! If they ever do a Chopped show for the average person, I'm totally going to try to get on there!