Everything is all right until it's not...

It's been a while again and I've been meaning to blog, but things get in the way...like playing World of Warcraft, watching Doctor Who (I LOVE LOVE LOVE that show!), and well, life, I suppose. I guess I shouldn't let those things get in the way, but they always seem to. I haven't been writing like at all lately. There's just so much going on that I don't know where to start...I guess we'll have to start at the beginning...


Not so long ago, in a little hospital in California, a young girl of only 17 gave birth to the cutest little red headed girl with hazel eyes that has ever lived...No, I'm not talking about Emma Stone, you ass monkey! It's me! I'm not even sure she has hazel eyes...But I digress. Okay, let's get into this and we'll go from there. So, at work they did a shift bid. I was super stressed about it because 1) I'm not a rock star at my job so I didn't have the greatest numbers in the world and 2) I was scared to get a different boss. We all get comfy where we are and it's scary to go to someone else. Like I can't stand bosses who micromanage. Let me do my thing and leave me alone, you know? Needless to say, this was literally causing me sleepless nights and headaches. What this also caused, and this is not for the faint of heart, so if you're a dude, you may not want to keep reading, a missed period. I'm gay though and missed periods don't really worry me that much. It happens sometimes. If you're straight you worry because you're like, "Oh shit! Am I preggers???" I don't have that concern...Unless Phoenix needs to tell me something...*shifty eyes* But seriously, I was stressed and then to add to the stress, we got another kid. A one year old baby who loves screaming over everything and anything. He's adorable when he's happy and smiling, but he's the devil when he's screaming. Like he will just scream and scream and scream until you're pretty sure you're going to lose your mind...Or maybe that's just how I feel. It's hard though. It's hard to like the little guy when he just screams and nothing will make him happy. *sigh* Seriously, I sometimes question my sanity for taking on all these kids with Phoenix (Not in a bad way, but it's hard, you know? I mean, these are kids someone else screwed up and we're trying to make it better somehow.). Although, she usually makes me question my sanity for a variety of reasons, so this shouldn't surprise me either. lol 


So, yeah, there I am...New kid, plus the two girls who are still slowly transitioning to going back to their dad (Any day now! *fingers crossed*), going to a new team at work, and WHAM! My period shows up. Thanks for showing up, Aunt Flo! The problem is, she hasn't left. I started sometime around the 27 or 28 of April. Go ahead and look at a calendar and you'll see the problem. I spent the entire month of May bleeding to death slowly...Okay, maybe not to death...not yet, anyway. And I swear I'm not a zombie. *"Brains! Brains!" drags one foot and walks with arms out* But it won't stop. At first, I thought, "Oh, well, I missed one and maybe it's going to be a little longer than usual." But then two weeks became three and I was like, "This is bullshit." Then three became four and I was a little worried. Then it stopped for a day and I cheered! YES! Finally! And then it started the very next day again. Finally, after much encouragement from nearly everyone I know, I went to the doctor. I had tried not to think of the bad things it could be, but then I went to the doctor and the nurse's jaw dropped when I said, "I've been on my period for almost 5 weeks." She looked concerned. She asked, "Was it okay before? Is this the first time this has happened?" I said, "Yes, it's been fine. But isn't that the way it goes--Everything is all right until it's not?" Then the doctor came in and when I told her that, she said, "That's not good!" She then launched into a list of things that could be causing the bleeding...The list included cysts (not good), early on-set menopause (Are you fucking kidding me?), cancer (WTF?), etc...So, of these, cysts is the one I'm rooting for. My doctor didn't do anything for me. She said, "You need to see a gyno and soon!" Seriously? That's all you've got, doc? What the fuck?


I drove home, trying not to worry about the things it could be and made an appointment with a gyno, which I go to tomorrow. (It's been like 38 days now. I'm so over Aunt Flo. This bitch needs to go!) I have spent the last week trying not to freak out, but even the gyno's receptionist was like, "You've been on it how long? Oh honey, that's not okay!" I'm trying to be brave, I swear I am, but it's hard. It could be something really stupid and I'll get fixed right up. But at this point in time, I'm so tired. I'm not just like sick of the whole situation, but I am exhausted. I feel so worn out and I go to work and people call in and are like, "I can't believe you charged me interest! I should cancel my card!" And I just want to be, "I'm slowly bleeding to death, you fucking asshole! Cancel your account! I don't give a fuck!" Of course, I don't say those things, but I just sit there thinking, "Why are you screaming at me over $2? Seriously, there are worse things going on." But these people don't get it. They're so unhappy with everything and they want to take it out on me and all I can do is sit there and try to help them and ignore that little voice in the back of my head...The one that whispers to me when I'm alone..."You know, it might be cancer. Cigarettes cause all kinds of cancers." And I try to shush the voice, but it creeps back, "Signs of uterine cancer include bleeding." If you're wondering, there's a few types of cancer that can cause bleeding like I've had. 


On a side note, I had to fill out a bunch of crap for the gyno and check out this question...



Dude, wtf? I mean, really?


And how about this one--



How did they know I was an accident!? My mom thinks they're asking if I was in an accident at any time, but I'm not so sure about that...It asked right after the adoption question! C'mon, that's a loaded question right there!!

But anyway, it's really hard to stay brave and to think happy thoughts when you're friends keep asking if you're okay and they look concerned. I mean, if it's nothing, then no one should be concerned, right? I'm probably just going through menopause at the ripe old age of 32. I mean, that's normal, right? WRONG! It's not normal! It's not normal to bleed like this for 5 1/2 weeks! It picked up over the weekend and now it's all I can do to keep it from getting everywhere. I know, it's graphic and I'm sorry, but this fucking sucks. I feel like I should be running around wearing Depends or something. And I have to go to work where I'm tied to a phone all day and they are watching everyone's every move, so I'm afraid to go to the bathroom, but I have to go constantly to make sure everything is still in control. I feel like I'm barely holding on here...I'm about to freaking snap.


I've heard people joke before that you should be afraid of something that bleeds for a week and doesn't die. Well, with that thought, you should definitely fear something that bleeds for 5 1/2 weeks and doesn't die. And I'm sure eventually the bleeding will have to stop because eventually I'll run out of blood, right? *ba-da-bum-chhhh* Seriously though, the whole thing is scary. I know someone who currently has cancer and she's like, "It's going to be okay." She's brave, man. She's a single mom with two kids battling cancer. And here I am, sniveling about excessive bleeding. I really am a wussy, aren't I? 


The real problem here is my head. Everything is far scarier in my head than it is in real life. I mean, it's like, I read a Stephen King book and it scares the crap out of me, but then I see the movie and I find myself thinking that the monsters in my head are way scarier. I'm sure that's what's going to happen with this whole thing. And worrying about it in the meantime won't change anything...I know that...But knowing that doesn't make me stop worrying. It's in my nature. I already have it in my head that if it's something really bad, I'm okay with them doing a hysterectomy. If it'll make this stop, then I'm okay with that. But this has to stop because I can't keep going on this way. And I hate to admit it, but I'm scared. Phoenix keeps telling me it'll be fine, but I suspect she's telling me that because she refuses to think otherwise. So, please, everyone, just keep your fingers crossed, say prayers, think happy thoughts for me. I am too young to go and I have too much left to do...


And I feel bad for all you coming here expecting a funny blog...So, let me tell you a very quick, short story. The other day, Phoenix was sitting on the couch watching TV with the baby (We'll call him Chuck) and Hurricane. She was talking crap to me as I was walking up the stairs and I made a smart ass remark back (as this is how we communicate in our relationship). She comes back and says something with the word fuck in it, but because the kids are there, she says, "Fush" or something, right? Hurricane, who is engrossed in watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, looks at her and says, "Fuck". Phoenix looked over at her and was like, "What?" She repeated it, "Fuck" and went back to watching Mickey. I started laughing, "Yeah, I think she was correcting you." The kid is three years old and correcting adults on their usage of curse words. Haha! Love it!