Sunday, May 29, 2011

There goes the neighborhood...

So, we're in our new house. Well, we have been for like a month now. I know I've been rather quiet on the issue, but yeah, we're moved in. There is still so much to do and there's so many things that you don't think about. Here are a few things we've learned since moving in....


First and foremost, if the house was a foreclosure and sat for a while, bugs moved in. No, seriously, like bugs think they live in the house. The day we moved in, was the day I called Terminix. We got the keys on a Wednesday afternoon and I came to the house to clean. As I vacuumed and mopped, I found a lot of dead bugs, which is gross, but way better than finding live ones, right? So, the next night, after moving our crap in, I killed a cockroach the size of a small rodent on our bedroom wall. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but the thing was fucking huge and gross! I had gone outside, when it was dark, and saw that they were all over the place outside. Apparently, this area is known for having "sewer roaches". Ummm...Gross. So, yeah, I was on the phone with Terminix, more or less saying, "I don't care how much you charge. Get here and kill the bugs!" There were spiders, cockroaches, and God only knows what else. So, here we are, like three weeks later and we're still having issues with black widows. No one wants to see those bitches around the house. I went into the laundry room the other day and the sunlight just happened to catch the silk of the spider's web. I was like, "What the fuck?" I had just been in the laundry room the night before and saw nothing, but like twelve hours later there was a huge web and a ginormous spider, which tried to run when I got close. Of course, my over sized shoe killed her instantly, but still...Yuck! Two days later, Phoenix was cleaning one of the spare rooms and she was all, "Heather!" I dragged my butt upstairs and was like, "What?" She says, "There's a spider!" Honestly, I was picturing a very tiny spider because she's a wussy...But no, it was a pretty good sized black widow. WTF? Where are they coming from? So, I got to kill it. Then I called Terminix again and was like, "Come back! Spray again!" This is on top of the all the cockroaches we've seen...Of course, they've been dead, but they're getting to the door before dying, so let's kill them before they get to my house. I'm just saying...


I had a picture in my head of living in some fantasy land where neighbors are, ummm, neighborly. I have seen my neighbors outside repeatedly and not once has any of them waved, smiled, or anything. I don't know if they're thinking, "There goes the neighborhood...The lesbians have moved in." Or if it's, "Does that girl really have purple hair?" Whatever it is, it sucks. Also, I didn't realize how diverse the neighborhood was. Phoenix fits in better than I do since I haven't really seen any white people in our immediate area, except for jogging through the park behind our house. I'm also pretty sure I should make nice with the guys who live next door since I'm about 99% sure the one guy is a gang-banger drug dealer. I was outside one night while he was talking to some buddies and his phone rings and he seriously tells the guy on the phone, "I told you they're $5 pop. I can't sell them for $3!" Then he hung up and was talking shit about the cheap "nigga" on the phone. Ummm...I'm pretty sure he wasn't selling bootleg DVDs or apples (The latter was suggested by Phoenix.). Another night he was talking about how his buddy was locked up and he was innocent. Mmmmhmmm...They're all innocent and falsely accused.



I also learned that it sucks big time not having local friends. I think had I had friends around, I might've had people to help me with the painting and all that. Instead, it's just been me and Phoenix. It's a lot of work for two broads. And neither one of us is actually a "handyman" or "handygirl". So, we have a hood/microwave and a dishwasher that need to be installed. Plus, we have a couple of ceiling fans that need to be hung, but we're not electricians or knowledgeable about those things either. I think these are some of the things that suck about lesbian relationships...that whole lack of a guy thing. Phoenix keeps trying to watch videos on youtube.com to see how to install these things, but I worry we make fuck it up. I'd prefer not to cut unnecessary holes in my wall, not get shocked, or flood my kitchen...I'm just saying...


So yeah...Moving sucks. We're still not unpacked or settled in. We still have to paint the whole upstairs, plus the bathroom and hall downstairs. We also have curtains and blinds to hang. And to top it all off, my backyard has been overtaken by weeds...I don't know where they came from, but they're everywhere. It's like I have this ever-growing list of things to do. It's crazy.


On a side note, if you haven't gone to see Bridesmaids, you totally should. I haven't laughed that long or hard in a long, long time. Phoenix actually told me that I was that one girl at the movie who laughed so loud. You know the one while you're in the middle of the movie who laughs out loud really loud? Yeah, that was me. I think I laughed so hard because I could picture a couple of girls I know as characters in the movie...In fact, one girl I know so fit the role of Helen in the movie. So, yeah. It's hilarious. Funny lines, funny situations, physical comedy and a special appearance by an old-school music group. How could you go wrong? Go see the damn movie!