Thursday, July 7, 2011

I got this...

Today, we dropped Hurricane and Sir-Complains-A-Lot off at daycare and then went to run errands. After that, we went to go see Larry Crowne. It was all right...Another typical chick flick. I could write a chick flick in my sleep...They're so predictable. It was nice to get away though. After this, we had to go to Autozone because our car doesn't want to start half the time. I told Phoenix, "It's the battery." She says, "Just give it some gas; it'll start." I said, "It's a new car! You don't need to pump the gas to start it like an old car! It's the battery!" Yup...It was the battery. The guy at Autozone tested it and as he was hooking up the machine, he was saying, "Jeep is so stupid. They put these shields on the batteries that are supposed to prevent them from freezing, but they keep them hot and kill them faster." Then he tested it and said, "Yup. Bad battery." So, $110 later we had a new battery and some tools that the guy loaned me so I could change it. It's like one hundred degrees outside and I was out there trying to change the battery...My hair was blowing in my face...I had sweat dripping down my face...Grease all over my hands....And Phoenix says, "You know...You should be wearing something sexy while you do this. That would be hot." *straight face* Are you kidding me? Something sexy? I'm changing a freakin' battery! I was hot, sweat, and greasy! There's nothing sexy about that!! Yeah, I didn't have much to say on that topic...I pretty much said, "I'm going to blog about this." All I really wanted was a baseball cap or something to hold back my hair. Apparently, the baseball cap would've been sexy too.


As I was finishing up, I asked, "Can you get me a napkin to wipe off my hands? I'm all greasy." Phoenix says, "Yes." She goes into the car, gets a napkin, comes back, wipes off part of my arm, then says, "I'm so sweaty." She then proceeds to wipe off her forehead. Again, are you kidding me? I'm greasy and sweaty and she, the one who isn't helping, is using my napkin to wipe off her sweat. This is pretty much our relationship in a nutshell...At the end of putting it all back together, Phoenix says, "I wouldn't have told the guy I could do it myself. I would've let him put it in for me." This is the absolute truth. She will allow everybody to do everything for her, while I will say, "I got this." I say, "I got this" even when I don't got it. I often wonder how the heck we're together since we're like polar opposites...

Monday, July 4, 2011

When it rains, it floods...

I often wonder about the sanity of those people who are like, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." To those people I say, "LIES!" No, I don't say, "Lies," I fucking shout it from the rooftops! LIES, LIES, LIES, LIES!!!


*sigh* So, seriously, life is throwing a whole lot of curve balls at me and I'm doing my best to duck and dodge them, but really, a girl can only duck and dodge for so long. I was not a dodge ball champion, nor do I want to catch all these balls because my clumsy ass can't juggle. I don't even know where to start with this blog...I mean, the stresses just keep coming and coming. There was the whole house buying experience...Done. Survived. Moving...Moving always sucks, but we moved in. Money....Money is always an issue, especially since moving because we had nothing and we needed everything. Then we get my hellhound puppy, who with the help of the ring leader hellhound, has managed to chew up our drip system. Fabulous. Then Phoenix, the week before last, turns on the hose to give the hellhounds water and when she turns it off, it doesn't go off. Great. $40 later a plumber replaced it for us and we're back in business. Then last week, I woke up with horrible heartburn, went to work where the heartburn made my chest cramp so badly that I thought I was dying. Thank God for Mylanta, seriously. Then we got approved for foster care and they put us on the list. We were on the list for all of like two days when they called us for a placement. We got a placement of two kids--One is a 2 year old we'll call Hurricane and the other is a 7 year old we'll call Sir-Complains-A-Lot. They're sisters and they were taken for various reasons. The day they came, I was so stressed I broke out into hives...No joke. Also, we discovered around the time they arrived that the hellhounds had chewed off the insulation for the air conditioner. Fabulous! Yesterday, I spent the day with the kids and Sir-Complains-A-Lot spent the entire day complaining--"I'm bored." "This game is stupid." "I don't like this show." Blah, blah, blah. Perhaps she doesn't get it, but I seriously lack fucking patience. Then Hurricane barely took a nap because Sir-Complains-A-Lot kept trying to check on her and waking her up. Awesome! Then I learned that pull-ups do diddly squat to keep a kid's poop in their pants. Hurricane pooped in my reading room and by the time she came to the stairs (Not even all the way to me) it was all over her legs, her hands, on my carpet, etc...I nearly puked. I cleaned her up with about 900 wipes and then told Phoenix (Who I swear drove slower when I called to tell her what happened) to give her a bath because I was done! DONE! I was already done with Sir-Complains-A-Lot when she was telling me, "Maybe you should think about buying your own house" after we saw a commercial for cheap homes. I was like, "This IS MY house. I bought this house." She was all, "Oh...But it seems like Phoenix (Although she used Phoenix's real name) is the boss." *straight face* Are you kidding me??? I said, "Well, she's not. We're both in charge." To this, I got a blank stare. Some little 7 year old is going to tell me what's up? I don't fucking think so! I then said, "Maybe Phoenix should think about buying her own house." Yeah, I got nothing from that. Whatever. When I told Phoenix she asked, "Who IS the boss?" To which I replied, "Tony Danza..." I got a blank stare from her too, but then she asked again and I said, "Mona?" Then she set me straight. Whatever...She's older than me, I guess it's okay.


So, fast forward to today (A whole day later) and I go to work after putting our old hellhound in a kennel and the other puppy hellhound into the bathroom. We both work, get the kids from the babysitter and come home to find...*drum roll* Water leaking out the front fucking door of the house!! SAY WHAT!? I couldn't get out of the car fast enough and get inside. The water line from the wall to the toilet on our first floor bathroom had busted and water was everywhere! EVERYWHERE!! My reading room--soaked. The bathroom--flooded. The hallway--squishy wet. Half of the main living room--FUCKING WET! It leaked into the garage wall. The humidity in the house is way high. We started by shutting off the water and then we tried to use the shop vac and my steam cleaner to suck up the water. No joke--I turned on my steam cleaner and instantly, it was full and had to be emptied. I cursed...I cried...I threw up twice (Well, attempted. There was nothing in my stomach to throw up.). I called my mom and cried to her, apparently, I was babbling and didn't make sense, so I had to suck it up and start again. I think I clearly got out, "MY HOUSE IS FLOODED!" I then called Statefarm--who, like a good neighbor is there. I got through to their claims people, filed a claim, and they sent people out right away. Now check this out...Within two hours of calling, these dudes showed up to start the drying process and at the same time they showed up, my agent (Who was closed for the holiday) called me from her cell to ask if I was okay and if I needed anything. She said, "This is my cell number. You call me if you need anything at all, okay?" Seriously? I love Statefarm. I will always suggest Statefarm insurance for everybody!! So, before the dudes showed up though, I ran to Lowes and bought a new part for the toilet, replaced it and now it's all good again. We also had to listen to Hurricane and Sir-Complains-A-Lot throw tantrums and complain because we made them stay upstairs. Are you kidding me? What was I supposed to do--tell them it was a fucking slip-and-slide and to have fun??? And Phoenix let them call their mom, but first told the mom that we wouldn't be taking them to fireworks and all that because of what happened and the mom, instead of being like, "Oh, I understand..." was instead disappointed. Oh, you're right, lady, let's forget about the wet floors and take your kids to see some stupid fireworks! She actually suggested we leave the house open so the guys could come in and dry it while we were gone...Yeah, that's safe. *rolls eyes*


The guys just left the house...I now feel like I'm living in a wind tunnel. There are like ten huge fans blowing on the carpet and the walls. Good times. There's also a dehumidifier because it's super humid in here. That goes well with the 100+ degree weather we've got going. I'm at my wit's end. I cannot take anything else being thrown my way. I have a $1000 deductible on the house. We have like exactly that much saved for our Hawaii trip. WTF? Phoenix said, "Well...We won't go." Oh, the hell we aren't! I will be going to Hawaii!! I don't give a flying rat's ass...I'm going! I earned this damn trip. So, to all of you out there going, "Heather, this isn't more than you can handle" I scream, "LIES!" I'm about to go check myself into the nearest loony bin and call it a day. I'm done. DONE, I SAY!