Dance like no one is watching...

So, it's only been like a billion years since last I wrote. Anyone notice how life seems to get so much more hectic around the holiday times? Why is that? And why do we insist on buying so much crap and spending about a bazillion dollars on our family and friends? I don't know why we do it. Aren't the holidays supposed to be about spending time with those we care about? So, if that's the case, then why do we have to buy them gifts too? Isn't it enough to just show up at their homes, eat their food, and then watch A Christmas Story with them? I should think so...In other words, I'm trying to say I'm broke and if I have to face another crowd of jackasses in the so-called "holiday spirit" again, I'm going to go postal...And if I have to hear one more Christmas song whilst driving around fighting the extra traffic on the road because everyone is out shopping, I'm going to start banging my head into the steering wheel until I pass out or crash into someone. I'm just sayin'...


In other news, I took a long overdue vacation. Phoenix and I spent four days in Cali visiting my family. I've been super worried about my youngest sister because she's been having seizures. I guess they still don't know why she has them, but the doctor thinks she's been having them since infancy. Nice. Apparently, she's not just a restless sleeper. Now, when I have kids, I'm going to be all paranoid. "Was that their leg twitching or are they having a seizure???" And I find myself running through a list of all known injuries to the kid. Is this my fault? When she was like six months old and my mom had a hysterectomy, I was helping out and was giving the kid a bath in the kitchen sink. Of course, in true baby fashion, she started grabbing for everything on the counters, so I held her tightly with one hand and then swept away the things she was reaching for. Ever notice how slippery babies are? Yeah, I didn't know that at the ripe old age of 26...I hadn't bathed a lot of babies. Apparently, they are though, just in case you were wondering. In the two seconds that I held her one-handed, she slipped in my grip and bumped her head on the sink. Oh man, I felt horrible. But now I wonder...Did I give my sister seizures??? It only takes one bump...But then I know she fell down a ton of times when she was learning to walk and I'm hoping that's what caused it and not me. *grins* I know, I'm mean, but come on, I don't want to be the reason. Although, I suppose it's all water under the bridge, right? I mean, there's no way of knowing how it happened. On the plus side, we know what's going on and the doctors are working to get her medication to the right dosage so as to help limit the amount of them she's having. Cross your fingers, folks. I feel bad for the kid. Now, she's not allowed to go swimming, ride a bike, or do any of the awesome and dangerous things we all did as kids...Hey guys, remember when we were kids and we used to ride bikes, skateboard, and roller skate minus the helmets, knee pads/elbow pads, etc? Man, it's amazing any of us survived our childhoods...Survival of the fittest, right? *laughs*


So, California was fine. Then we came home for less than two days and then took off to Sedona!! I was so excited about this part of our vacation because we could sleep in and I was going to write. I wrote like two pages in the entire three days we were there. It was raining and cold and I just wanted to sleep. On our second day there, it was snowing up by Flagstaff, so we got in the car and I drove us up towards Flagstaff. We were on this little two-lane mountain road and despite the rain, which became snow as we climbed, people were still hauling ass on the road. I suppose they didn't notice things I had noticed along the way, like the rock the size of my head in the middle of the road as I came around a turn, a fallen tree branch about two feet into the north-bound lane, etc...According to a local in Sedona, it's because of drivers like that, that there are little white crosses on the side of the roads. As morbid as that is, it's true. If I was doing sixty around a turn and came across a rock the size of my head, I'd have no time to swerve and if I did, I'd end up hitting someone head on or losing control on the slippery road and going into the ravine where the creek runs or whatever. People are fucking idiots! We drove until the snow was sticking good and pulled off a picnic place to take pictures. It was so peaceful and nice, you know, minus the idiots on the road still doing fifty and sixty on the snow-covered road. It was 29* degrees out, so the roads were good and slippery!! After that, we headed back to the time share because it was far too cold and nasty out to do anything else. Along the way, we stopped to rent Ramona and Beezus and Eat, Pray, Love. Ramona and Beezus was cute, but Eat, Pray, Love wasn't all that great. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it's not my type of movie...I mean, unless there's a kid wizard, or hobbits, or singing and dancing, or a crazed maniac running around saying things like, "Here's Jonnie!" or it has a sad ending, it's just not my cup of tea. Wait a second...What if we took all these movie aspects and made it into one movie...I bet that'd be the best movie ever!! lol Other than that, I was just lazy, watching TV...It was a great vacation!


After 11 days off of work, I had to return to work and can I just tell you how hard that was? It totally sucked balls. I was happy to go back and find out that despite getting in more surveys for the calls I had taken before vacation, I am still number one on the team. (The surveys give us scores according to the rating the people give us and then they're posted for everyone to see.) Everyone is congratulating me on it, but they don't know that the higher I fly, the harder I fall. I'm happy I'm up there, but this is my life and the Universe hates me, so I'm not planning on riding high all through the month. If it stays high, I'll get a big bonus, but when I was in training, I had my score this high and just before the month ended, I got in a bad survey and it cut my bonus by over $500 dollars...So not cool. So, I'm not holding my breath. Still, it's cool not to be at the bottom.


So, we went to karaoke again this past Wednesday. You know, Applebees hired a different karaoke guy and this one isn't cool...Like it makes such a huge difference and this dude doesn't have great songs to choose from...Still, there we were. Phoenix's nieces sang and people were telling them how great they were. Then suddenly the DJ says, "Coming up next is..." And announces Phoenix's sister and...ME!? I was all, "What?" I had no clue she had put in my name with her. Of course, we rocked Love Shack because that's apparently our song now. And I get to sing Fred's part because in my relationship with Phoenix's sister I also get to be the boy. *laughs* Supposedly, I have a "boy voice" whatever that means. After that, I had to stop the kids from putting in my name again. They wanted me to sing "London Bridges" because the guy didn't have "Fergalicious". Seriously? Don't these kids know I'm not Fergie? I barely even know her music...*shifty eyes, hides Fergie poster and CDs* I have no clue why karaoke is so much fun...I can't even sing. Although, after listening to some of the other people who "sing" at karaoke, I'm not all that bad...I'm just sayin'...


Yesterday was when I took my turn to go shopping for Phoenix after we made a ton of tamales. I stopped helping after 24 or 25 dozen. My partner, her nephew, had given up like a dozen or two before me...I just couldn't do it anymore. My fingers had turned all wrinkly like I had been in the bathtub or swimming for a few hours. I retreated to the couch to watch TV. Then after a while, I left to go shopping...I should never ever be allowed to go shopping alone. First of all, my stupid phone lost its signal as it was navigating me to the place I needed to go, so then I drove on instinct alone...And once I got close, I followed a few signs. Then once I found the place, I parked and went into the mall. I got totally turned around because the mall map was all kinds of screwed up. Let's forget about color coding shit and just use obvious things like the names of the stores and arrows saying things like, "YOU ARE HERE!" Eventually, I found the store, again, by instinct. The store I went to was far too crowded and I was tempted to call the fire marshal because I'm pretty sure there were too many people in there. Had there been a fire, I'm not sure we would've all gotten out. Well, I would've, but that's only because I would've climbed over people to get out. The place looked as though it had been robbed because everything was sold. Okay, not everything, but damn near it...I was afraid that Phoenix was going to end up getting a picture of the item I wanted to get her instead of the actual item. No matter how amusing I would've found that, I'm not sure she would've laughed with me. *grins* After waiting about fifteen or twenty minutes, it was my turn to get what I wanted. I was glad I didn't have to wait any longer because, being the weirdo magnet I am, I got stuck chatting with a rather large man who came to stand by me. Why, oh why, do they come to me? He was all, "What're you here for?" I told him. He said, "I'm here to get something for my wife." He then went on to tell me that every year he gets the same thing-- socks and underwear. Really? I don't want to know anything about this dude and his underwear. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I simply said, "Perhaps it's time you ask for something better." He laughed. Sure, small talk passes the time, but so does playing on my phone. Then, I get the smartass worker who's all, "You know, next year, if you want to avoid the crowds, you could shop earlier." Oh, you think, genius? I replied, "I was on vacation for two weeks out of town, then I worked for the last couple of days, so this is my first chance to shop. I think this coming year though, I'll do my shopping in July. You have a Merry Christmas." And then I walked out. Really, idiot? If I shop earlier, there won't be crowds? Damn, I never would've thought of that. *rolls eyes* People just amaze me. I think by then I was just annoyed with her because she was trying to sell me something far more expensive than what I was looking for. She wasn't happy when I stuck with what I had asked for in the first place. Stupid woman.


After all of this, I went to pick up Phoenix, her nieces, and nephew and we all came back to our apartment. I decided to make some cookies and everyone played Sing Star, you know, because we like to sing. They used me as a "life line", so I would jump in and sing for a team when they didn't know the song being sung. I was fine with that. At some point in time, they were trying to pick a song and it came to Hit Me Baby One More Time or whatever that song is called. I was in the kitchen taking cookies out of the oven and taking them off the pan so they could cool. I had seen everyone in the living room looking at the TV as they discussed the song. I was singing along with the clip of the song and started dancing...you know...like no one is watching. Apparently, someone was watching. Phoenix's nephew had looked over and saw me dancing...Or more appropriately, "shaking my groove thang". He just stared at me with a horrified look on his face and I was completely oblivious to this as I was busy with the cookies and dancing...Phoenix looked at him and asked what was wrong. It was only then that I stopped and looked as he said something about me dancing. I couldn't stop laughing. I was literally crying I was laughing so hard because he had been so taken about by seeing a fat girl shake her ass. So, when people say things like you should dance like no one is watching, you'd best be damn sure no one is watching...And that no one can see you...Poor kid, he's like scarred for life now...No one should have to see me shake my money maker. Even I don't want to know what I look like dancing. *laughs wildly* Oh man, it still makes me laugh my ass off...I'm just going to guess I don't look half as good as Britney Spears does when she dances in her school-girl outfit...


Okay, I'm off to make myself look half-way decent since we have multiple places to go this evening...Gotta love these holidays!! Peace on earth out...Or peace out...you know, whatever.

The Night in the Hospital

So, when we last left off, I was checked into my room. I was told I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight. Of course, by then it was 11:30 or maybe 11:40 and my stomach was growling. There's nothing quite like having people listen to your lungs and chest whilst your stomach is yelling, "FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!" And what's worse is that then I look like the fat girl who wants to eat all the time...Which I don't, but it looks bad...But I didn't care. Phoenix left, came home (which is like a 30 second drive), and made me a sandwich. She returned with the sandwich, and as I lay in my hospital bed, chowing down on the best ham sandwich (I don't like ham very much.) I'd ever had in my life, I suddenly thought, "Oh, for the love of God...I'm the fat girl, in the hospital with chest pains, eating a ham sandwich...Who am I? Mama Cass in the making???" (She died of cardiac arrest, not from choking on a ham sandwich, you jerks!) On the plus side, I don't have an awesome singing voice, so I pushed aside my worries and finished my sandwich.


After eating and brushing my teeth, Phoenix decided to head home. I flipped on the television and laid back to sleep. My nurse, Elvis (a Mexican looking lad), came in to check on me. I told him I was tired and would be going to sleep. He made sure I wasn't in any pain and then said he'd be back to check on me. What he failed to mention was that he'd be back in like forty minutes to check on me! I was watching The Best Thing I Ever Ate on Food Network as I was dozing off and I had rolled on my left side and dozed off. Suddenly, there's Elvis, leaning in close to me and I was startled, "What?" I asked, sitting up. He asked, "Are you having chest pains? Shortness of breath?" I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest because the fool had just scared the crap out of me. Most people don't get up in my face when they wake me up...I replied, "No. I was sleeping. I don't feel anything." He said, "Your heart monitor was going off. I'm ordering an EKG. They'll be here in a few minutes." I nodded and sat up since they'd be arriving shortly, whoever they were...


A couple minutes later, a woman comes in, pushing a large EKG machine. She applies more stickers to my chest and abdomen, as though the other fifteen weren't enough, and does her test...Yup, no heart attack. Elvis returns and says, "It wasn't a heart attack...I wonder if one of your stickies is loose..." Yup, the one on my left side had come loose. We could've avoided the 2am EKG!! WTF!? I could've avoided getting groped by yet another hospital staff. Seriously. It's bad enough to be in there, but to have people reaching in and around my gown is a bit disturbing...At least buy me dinner first. So, Elvis gets me all settled in again and leaves.


I no sooner closed my eyes and dozed off then someone comes into my room. I half-open my eyes and see this woman who looked a great deal like Helena Bonham Carter (Yes, the girl who plays Bellatrix Lestrange in Harry Potter and Jonny Depp's love interest in Swedney Todd.) only this nurse was not quite as waif-life as HBC. So, I sit up a bit and ask, "What're you here for?" She smiles and says, "To draw your blood." She had my door slightly open and then proceeded to draw my blood in the light that spilled in from the open door and the dim light from the television set behind her. She chatted with me as she attempted to locate a vein in my arm. After poking me and completely missing the vein, she said, "Sorry about that. I'm going to have to repoke you because I hate digging around in people's arms...It makes me sick to my stomach. Plus, I'm sure they don't like it either." Really? I can't imagine why someone wouldn't like to have another person dig in their arm with a NEEDLE! WTF!? I smiled and said, "Yeah...Please, poke away." She drew my blood from a vein near my index finger on my left hand...Weird. I couldn't believe she did all this in the mostly dark room. She then bid me good night and left. Even as she left, I couldn't stop thinking how much she looked like Helena Bonham Carter...And then I wondered if she was as creepy as the characters HBC always plays...Of course, I fell back to sleep right after that.


Just as I dozed off, a nurse in training came in to take my vitals. She apologized for disturbing me, but she had to make sure everything was okay. I quietly let her take my vitals. It was like 2:45am by then. After she left, I yanked the sheet up and tried to go back to sleep. I was so beyond exhausted. Out of nowhere, (at like 3:30am) this other nurse comes in, flips on the light, sees I had been sleeping and turns it back off. "Hi, I'm here to give you a breathing treatment." I don't do breathing treatments. I have minor asthma that acts up when I'm sick...Or when I smoke too much...Or perhaps after running. I had been sleeping. I didn't need a treatment. I was all, "Okay...Who ordered this?" She said, "Everyone gets them." She hooked it all up and then handed me the pipe-looking thing and had me breathe deeply. This went on for like 5 minutes. I felt high by the time we were done. I felt light-headed and out of it. As I did the treatment, she had been leaning against my sink texting wildly. After she finally left, I laid back only to have Elvis come back in, "You okay?" I said, "I'm fine. Just exhausted." He smiled and said, "Okay. Did you ask for the breathing treatment?" I said, "No. She said everyone gets them." He shook his head and said, "Oh, okay." Apparently, not everyone gets them.


I finally went back to sleep and I have no idea who else came in my room or what they did to me as I slept. I was so fucking tired that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade could've walked by and I wouldn't have noticed. At 5:30, Elvis came in to give me my thyroid medication. I thanked him and passed back out. At 6, a nurse came in to check my vitals. At 6:30 a man came in who looked like my World History teacher from high school (Yes, folks, I am speaking of Mr. Samuels with his crazy curly hair.). He said, "I need to draw your blood. Your last sample wasn't very good. The red cells were bursting, so we couldn't accurately test it." He then stabs me in my arm with a needle, takes the blood, and is gone. I wasn't impressed with him because he did it with the lights on. I fell back to sleep for a couple of minutes before the new nurse came on shift. He came in my room and put his name on my board and said, "Oh, good morning" when I looked over at him. Really??? I need sleep, you fuckers! Well, that's what I wanted to say, but only thought it. I laid there, staring at the ceiling until another nurse in training came in to check my vitals. She said, "I'll be quick." As she hooked me up, she said, "I hate these machines...There are so many wires. Sometimes I get them mixed up." REALLY!? The machine has a blood pressure cuff, the thing for your finger, and a thermometer! I said, "So, I take it you don't run the EKG machine?" She smiled at me and said, "No." I pointed out that that machine had a buttload of wires. After she left, I gave up on sleep.


Phoenix came back at like 8:15am. She was all freshly showered and in clean clothes, while I felt like something the cat had dragged in. I made her go home and get me shorts to put under my gown since they were going to make me do a stress test. I just couldn't bring myself to be on the treadmill with my undies showing. I got my blood drawn yet again. This time by some old lady who had no trouble finding a vein in my arm. She didn't even leave a bruise, unlike the Mr. Samuels look alike who left me a bruise on my arm, which made me look like I was in an abusive relationship. Not long after she came back with them, they took me down to the treadmill. The doctor started asking me questions about where I worked and stuff and as soon as I told him where I worked, he was like, "Oh! That's the only credit card I use!" Then him and the tech wouldn't stop asking me questions about how the cards work and are they worth it. Really, bastards? I'm trying to jog on this treadmill in non-slip socks, in a gown, with shorts, and no bra. This isn't a shining moment in my life. Stop talking and let me get through this! Instead of going off on the ignorant bastards, I answered their questions. The tech tried telling me that they had solicited him for the "Black Card"...Okay, to get the black card, you have to spend like $250,000 with us, annually...And have great credit and like a billion dollars in your wallet at all times. Seriously. You have to be super rich. Think like Jay Z rich. I said, "Really? That card is like $2500 a year, plus a $5000 start up fee." He said, "No, they offered it to me for less." I said, "So they offered you a platinum card." He insisted it was the black card....*rolls eyes* He wishes. It's funny to see little men with big dreams...The black card. HA!


So, after jogging, and giving myself a couple of black eyes because we all know big girls shouldn't do anything bra-less, especially jog, I was told I passed the test. The doc said, "I don't think you had a heart attack. Everything is fine. I'm going to suggest they release you." Oh, okay, that's awesome, but what was causing the pain!? I was taken back to my room by the tech and a friend of his, and together, they were like Dumb and Dumber. Really. I worry about ever going back to the hospital after seeing the people who work there. I mean, I know my friends and we can be a goofy bunch, but I think we'd do better there than these goons.


Finally, it was decided that I was to be discharged. As I waited, Phoenix began to worry because she missed work that day, but there was training she didn't want to miss, which was at 1pm. At noon, she was convinced she wouldn't make it. I suggested she go and I would just walk home, but she said, "You can't walk home!" *rolls eyes* My heart works just fine! The doctor came in and talked to me. He said, "Well, your heart is all right. You may want to follow up with your own doctor." I explained that the heart doctor had said it could be my pancreas. He agreed and then started going on and on about something before asking, "Do you smoke?" I said, "Nope." Then I added that I had quit almost two years ago. He said, "Oh, well, we do see this in ex-smokers. They get chest pains for no reason." Seriously? It's the mystery of the ex-smoker? Ex-smoker's disease, which causes random chest pains like a heart attack? Okay, moron. Where the hell is Dr. House??? I'd settle for Dr. Grey or Dr. Bailey. Actors could do a better job at diagnosing me with something!


I was finally able to put on my real clothes and my beloved bra again to go home. They told me I had to wait for someone to come get me. The person they sent was this old lady who weighed like 90 pounds soaking wet. Really? Grandma is going to push me all the way downstairs to my car? Are you kidding me? Oh yeah, grandma did it too, took me all the way to my car! She told me at my car, "I'm not going to be able to help you out of the chair." I said, "That's okay. I'm fine, really. I could've walked out." She said, "Oh no. You're not allowed to walk out." *rolls eyes* I should've pushed her out in the wheelchair...


At long last, I got home and was able to take a shower. I felt disgusting! Hospitals are so gross! I mean, there's so many germs and God only knows what else there. I refrained from scrubbing up with some steal wool and Comet and settled for a hard scrubbing with my body wash...Still, I felt gross. It was great to be home though. I was able to sleep without people poking me or doing EKGs. And after all that, we still have no idea what caused the pains...Next time, I'm not going to the hospital unless I'm convinced I'm dying...*rolls eyes* Those guys are morons, I'm telling you!! And the best part is that my arm had a bruise from the Mr. Samuels wanna-be who drew my blood, a bruise from the blood pressure cuff they used, and marks from the stickers, which I'm apparently allergic to. The sticker marks are still there after a week...Nice, huh?