That's why I like Spam!

Firstly, I apologize for not blogging sooner, but it's been a hectic week. I think I'm coming down with a cold or the flu or perhaps I simply hate my job and feel sick because I hate that place so much...LOL Okay, seriously though, it's probably a cold or the flu or perhaps the weather change. It was so nice last weekend, but then it got so cold!! And it's supposed to be warm again this weekend! What the heck, man? So, yeah...Also, I was told by Phoenix that Little Phoenix thinks I only ever blog about work...So, in that spirit, I'm going to blog about work. JUST KIDDING! No, I'm going to talk about the fair. We went last Sunday and I took pictures to share!


We went to the state fair last year and it was cool, so we thought we'd go again. Seriously, I cannot believe how much it all costs. It was $30 for us to park and go inside. Once inside, we saw the Susan G. Komen trailer and they were offering a free bag if you watched their five-minute video. They also had a program where you could look at different facts and videos about stuff, like breast cancer for African-Americans (I thought it just affected all women in general...) and other things like that. I watched a video about Susan G. Komen because I wanted to know who this Susan lady was...Apparently, she got cancer when she was 33 and ended up dying from it, but before she did, she asked her sister something like, "When I get better, will you help me raise awareness?" (I'm paraphrasing!) Her sister did one better...She started a whole foundation and raised millions of bucks. Dude, I want a sister like that. My sisters would be like,"Umm...What?" LOL Just kidding...kinda. What sucked though was that they had a drawing going on and you had to sign up online and when I went to go answer their questions, the program shut down!! WTF!? Phoenix got to enter, but I did not! Just my luck, I tell you!


After that, we walked around and looked at some exhibits. I noticed that the cost of the games had gone up. I don't play the games, but I was just looking. It was like 7 tickets per game. The tickets were like 10 for $5. Seriously? I could go down to TJ and buy an over-sized stuffed animal for $2 and still have enough change left over from my five-dollar bill to buy some Chicklets and a Corona. Then we got something to eat...This is the best part of the fair--Fair Food!! I bought a corn dog (and not an "acorn dog" like I just typed...lol) while Phoenix got a ham sandwich and Grumpy bought Indian fry bread with beans and cheese. The ham sandwich was all right...The Indian Fry bread was really good...And my corn dog was crap. It tasted as though it had been sitting there all day...Bastards! I think it also made me a bit sick, but whatever. Later, after this had settled, Grumpy and I got funnel cakes from some Pennsylvania Dutch people, or so their sign said. Man, oh man, do I love me some funnel cake with strawberries on top. Soooooo good!


The fair exhibits were all right, but so similar to last year's...I do like seeing the cakes and such though, which I took some pictures of. Phoenix thinks I should enter next year and see what I can do. We'll see. Also, she thinks I should try making a gingerbread house for Christmas...With Little Phoenix's help. I think it'd be cool, but we'll have to see what happens between now and then...Also, the vendors were pretty much the same, except that they weren't as giving as last year...I swear that people used to hand out samples and such, but people were greedy this year. I think it's the economy, but still...It just sucks.


Basically, we spent nearly a hundred bucks on a whole lot of nothing. However, we did try to get our money's worth by getting two Breast Cancer Awareness bags, two bags from the Census bureau (Shouldn't they have been counting people and not handing out bags???), free pens from the breast cancer people, and free key chains from the cops that remind us to buckle up. Yeah, we have like $10 worth of junk. LOL It all works out though, right?


Anyway, here are some pictures. I took most of the pictures of the animals. And I really did want a bunny rabbit...I didn't find one that looked mean enough to eat our cat though, so I didn't waste my money. *grins* Enjoy the slide show...

Thanks, Einstein.

Last night I went into work to find out that Lenny, whom I was supposed to be working with, would not be coming in because she had her schedule wrong. Apparently, she had told Tortilla and another girl that she didn't work until Saturday, which wasn't true...She was scheduled for Wednesday and Friday, but failed to appear on both days. Luckily, Tortilla decided to come in, even though it was her day off, but she took her sweet time getting there. She came in at almost 5pm instead of 3pm, like we're normally scheduled. *rolls eyes* Whatever. So then the assistant manager comes over and starts talking to us about what she's going to do with Lenny. She also points out that she needs someone to work Saturday morning shift and then Sunday night, which leads her to look at me. I was all, "I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning." She didn't look convinced, but it was true. I also pointed out that I share a car, so making last minute changes to my schedule makes it hard. Again, she didn't seem to care. Then she was trying to get me in on Sunday too, but I'm going to the fair, so I'm not going to work. Seriously, if this lady had her way, I would've worked from this past Wednesday all the way until this coming Friday...Or even worse, had I not been in Cali this past weekend, I would've worked for 12 days straight. Seriously, slave labor! Yes, I want the hours. Yes, I love having money. But do I want to be there every flippin' day dealing with the trash that shops there? HELL NO! It's all a bunch of bullshit and I feel like I made some kind of deal with the devil because these bastards won't leave me the hell alone...


I don't think I've slept all that well since I took this job because working there is killing me. I come home mostly every night pissed off at the world and exhausted, but then I don't sleep well. And forget about trying to nap. (I tried that today and my neighbors were being so loud. Then some idiot people were out in the courtyard being obnoxiously loud. All I want is sleep!) Sure, the customers at work make for wonderful blog material and such, but still...It's not enough. I have found myself correcting the misspellings I find on our whiteboard where other workers leave notes. Like yesterday, it read, "Clean stainless steal." Hmm...I'm not even sure that makes sense. Or the other day it read, "Clean the outside of the rotisary." Again, I don't know what that is...I can assume they mean the "rotisserie", but how can I know for sure? What's sad is that some of these things are misspelled by the managers, even in typed up emails...Hello! It's called "Spell Check"! USE IT! *rolls eyes* Then there are all the people who use the wrong words...Like the one girl the other day kept saying, "Prescribe" and "Prescription", but I have no clue what the hell she meant because those were not the words she meant. OH! And then there are like two old ladies at my work who call me by Lenny's name and not mine, even though I have a name tag that clearly reads HEATHER!! And this other girl's name isn't even close to mine, so there's no excuse! Perhaps they think that since we're both big girls, it's all right or that we look alike...Who the hell knows? I know, I know, what am I expecting working there...I swear I can feel my IQ dropping though as these people suck the very essence of my being from me.


I suppose if I was going to sell my soul to the devil, then I could've at least asked for new knees because mine are not doing well. At my follow-up doctor appointment today, it was a different PA and I told her that my right knee still hurts and goes all "jiggly like Jell-O sometimes", but my left knee is also giving me problems. And they both make the "clicking" noise the other PA had mentioned. Her response was, "Lots of people's knees click all the time. It's a build up of air." I didn't say it was "popping", I said, "clicking". And if you felt it, you'd know what I meant. Plus, it's hard for me to walk long distances because they hurt and forget about playing things like racquetball, handball, and rugby. Just kidding. Rugby is totally fine. *grins* Seriously though, I'm telling the woman that they hurt and her response is, "Put ice packs on them and wrap them when you can." Ahhh, yes, there's nothing quite like those ace bandages that slide down or shift if you move. *rolls eyes* I should've been a doctor. I can sit there and tell people all kinds of bullshit without doing anything for them. Of course, this particular PA was a genius, which she proved when I told her I stopped using the anti-itch cream the other girl prescribed because it made my hands turn bright red and they itched and burned worse than before and her response was, "Oh. Don't use it then." Umm...Yeah, I got that memo when the crap made me scratch my hands until they nearly bled. Thanks, Einstein. I do love though that I can go to the doctor, but it'd be nice to get them to do something other than take my $15 co-pay and tell me what I already know...

Manners are free!

I'm not sure if I should be offended or not by this comment...Let me tell you what it is and perhaps you can help me out. So, I was putting on my shoe this morning and I flinched sorta as I put it on because my right foot is killing me because my knee is all kinds of messed up and keeps giving out, so I've been baby-ing it, so my foot hurts from not walking on it correctly. Whew! That was a long sentence. Anyway, so my foot hurts badly, like by the time I get home from work I want to cry it hurts so bad. But I digress...So, I'm putting on my shoe and I get this (Don't quote me on it because it's probably not her exact words, but the gist is there...): "I don't think you're cut out to work." Of course, I was instantly offended and no amount of backpedaling was going to dig her back out, even as she said, "You were meant to be a writer...Or a comedian, but ultimately a writer," as though this is going to save her. I said, "I didn't go to school to be a laborer," which is basically what my job is, mixed with some customer service. Should I be offended or take pride that I am not built to be a grunt? Hmmm...


Speaking of being a grunt...My job sucks ass. Here are a couple of examples of what makes my days so crappy.


Customer 1- "Can I have a pound of the white American cheese?" she asks. "Sure," I reply. "How would you like that cut?" She looks at me as though I'm crazy before telling me that she wants it in a chunk...One chunk, so my cut better be right. And she adds, "I don't want it over a pound...Not even a little bit over." How the hell am I supposed to exactly cut a pound from a block of cheese??? I weighed the cheese and it was close to two pounds, so I tried to slice it in half-ish...Yeah, it was 1.1 pounds. She was impatient and said, "Whatever. I'll take it." Seriously, what the hell did this woman expect!? I was flying blind! I can get stuff right on the dot if I'm slicing it, but not in a chunk!!


Customer 2- "I need half a pound of salami." I told her we were out of hard salami, but that we had Genoa Salami. She rolled her eyes, but said that was fine. When I asked how she wanted it, she said "THIN!" So, I sliced it thin and showed it to her to check, she said, "THINNER!" Seriously, she wanted the shit see-through. Whatever. All I know is that it was jamming the slicer and I had to keep fighting with it, which apparently pissed the lady off, although I don't know why because she wasn't the one wrestling with the machine. Nor did she have to worry about slicing off her fingers and destroying the store's record of 6 months without an employee accident!! She got mad and said, "I'll take whatever you cut already. I have things to do." I said, "Give me just a second, please. I'll get it, but the machine is jamming." She continued to get more pissed at me, as though I could remedy the situation...Whatever. Even another woman in line saw that the woman was being outrageous and that I was fighting with the machine, not getting upset with the woman. Who the hell gets see-through meat anyway!? It's not freakin' piscutto (I don't know how to spell it...It's like bacon, but sliced thinly and doesn't need to be cooked...). When I gave it to her, she said, "It's for a Brazilians recipe I have." I smiled and told her have a good day, but I thought, "Yeah, because Brazilians are known for their love of salami!" *rolls eyes*


Customer 3- This woman came up and as I asked, "How can I help you?" She slams a huge chub of chopped ham on the counter and growls, "Cut this on a one!" Just as I was about to say that I'm not sure I'm allowed to do that, she glared at me and I saw "customer complaint" written all over her face, so I didn't argue. I cut all three pounds of this stupid chub of nasty, fake ham for her. While I did this, a huge line formed at the deli and all this woman did was yell at her kids. Like I couldn't get done with it quickly enough. I found out a few moments after I was done helping her that she's been told repeatedly, even by the managers, that we aren't allowed to do it for her, but she still comes over and yells at anyone who disagrees with her...Good thing I just gave her her way...Although, next time she comes back, we're going to have problems...It's people like her that make reaffirm my belief that children should not be taken out of the house in dirty clothes and without shoes. Sure, it's Phoenix and it's warm, but this doesn't mean kids should be running around shoeless...That's so white trash.


I know, you guys are thinking, "Umm...Haven't you seen that email with the pics of the Walmart shoppers? Didn't you expect this?" Yes, I suppose I did, but I don't deal well with stupidity and grossness. Is that a word? It should be. Our customers, okay not all of them, but a lot of them, are just plain gross. They're trashy and...Never mind. I'm going to stop before I sound snobbish...Here's the thing though, I've never heard of anyone so poor that they could not afford manners, but apparently, that's what's wrong with so many of our customers...Remember folks, good manners are free and should be used liberally.

Just plain ridiculous!

I think I am about to just give up...on just about everything. (Not Phoenix though...I have to clarify that only because I fear she will read this and think I mean her too, which I don't.) I get it, you know, that life is hard, it's an uphill battle, it's insert-cliche'-here...Whatever. I don't make lemonade from the lemons being thrown at me each day. No, I'm the one still trying to struggle through it all and getting smacked in the face by these flying lemons and I'm slipping and falling on the ones which have already hit the ground. To sum up, I'm not doing well. Plus, I have a paper cut on my finger and I think I just got lemon juice in it.


Perhaps you think I exaggerate...I don't. Well, sometimes I do for storytelling purposes, you understand, but in this case, I'm just not; it's not necessary. Allow me to explain.


My stuff from Chapman was supposed to be processed last week. It's not freakin' processed. I know people who became teachers without having any bit of trouble, but for me, it's been nothing but one bullshit problem after another! Is it a sign that this isn't what I'm supposed to do? If so, wouldn't it have been easier for me to drive past a sign on the freeway that read, "Heather, do not be a teacher! Love, The Universe"? Seriously. Oh for the love of all that is holy, this is just plain ridiculous! Here I am, writing this blog, talking smack and I just got an email from Chapman University saying that my stuff has now been processed. Excuse me for a moment while I angrily shake my fist at the sky. *shakes fist angrily at the sky* Only me, I'm telling you...I think I was supposed to be a stand-up comedian because of how crazy and ridiculous my life is. Bah!


At work, I asked for Sundays and Mondays off because those are Phoenix's days off...Yesterday the new schedules were posted and I get Saturdays and Sundays. I know, you're thinking, "Awesome!" Yes, but perhaps you missed which days off Phoenix has. BAH! Also, they decided that Monday-Thursday we only need two girls at night and that started last night with me and Tortilla. And they gave us a list of cleaning duties to be done by today, which was passed along to our deli boss last week. Umm...What took a week to get it out??? Yeah, we skipped like half the stuff on the list. I'm sure I'll get yelled at today, but he wasted two hours of Tortilla's time making her stock the bakery stuff that came in the order (cookies, brownies, bread, rolls, etc) that should've been done by the girls in the morning. We didn't get out of work until 11pm and I was technically off at 9:30. Grrr!


Here are a few other highlights from last night...The hose we use to clean the floors wasn't working properly last week and last night basically crapped out. Nothing quite like washing a floor by tossing buckets of soapy water on the floor, then scrubbing with a brush, and then tossing out buckets of clean water to rinse. I had to change the oil on the fryers only to find that the fryers were so dirty that the crumbs clogged the hose, so I got to ladle God-only-knows how much oil from the filter with a small pan into the container I had to roll back to the backroom to dispose of. These fryers are big too, not like the ones you see at BK or Mickey-Dee's, so we're talking like 20 gallons or more of oil, okay? It took a LONG LONG LONG LONG TIME! Then the container, which is supposed to be big enough to hold the oil from both fryer, was full after only one, which sucks. So, I go back to the back room and then use the vacuum thing that's supposed to suck it out of the container and into a holding unit. Yeah, it didn't work. I found a night manager guy to help and he helped a bit, but the machine would start and stop in the middle of sucking it all out. It was utter bullshit. I wasted like an hour and a half trying to do the fryers. It should've taken less than thirty minutes! Before this though, I watched an older Mexican man come in and get potato wedges from me and then walk out the door without paying. I was alone in the deli at the time though so I didn't do anything. I certainly wasn't going to chase him down. Nice, huh? OH! And then there was the crazy woman who got pissed at me at 9:35 because I wouldn't cut her a buttload of meat when the sign right in front of her face told her that we are closed at 9pm. Apparently, according to this woman, because I was still there I was to serve her and it didn't matter that I had been busily cleaning the bakery oven, basically from the inside because it's not an easy oven to clean. (When I explained it to Phoenix, she immediately said, "Like Hansel and Gretal?" I wasn't actually in the oven, but close...) I didn't serve the evil woman and I told her to have a great night, even when she threatened to tell my manager...Oh well.


Well, I could go on, but I have to get ready to head back to hell...I'm about to give up though. I feel the life being sucked out of me each day I walk into Walmart. What scares me the most is that the people there (IE- cashiers, pharmacy techs, etc) are all starting to know who I am and talk to me whenever they get a chance...It's like a scary cult and they're trying to pull me in. I've been resisting them, but how long can I go on like this??? Oh man, they're going to make me drink the Kool-Aid, huh??? Well, as long as it's the Black Cherry kind I like so much, I guess it won't be bad...

Spy vs. Spy

I'm sure that by now, most of you have seen that my URL thingy for this blog is The White Spy and you may have wondered why...Allow me to explain. This is due to an on-going battle with an old friend...She is the Black Spy (Or BS for short. HAHAHA!) and I am the White Spy. We used to talk smack to each other all the time on MySpace, but that's fizzled out since she currently doesn't have access to Internet, but when she gets it again, I expect it to be on once more. (Oh, who are we kidding? We've been smack talking each other since middle school!) During our time of smack talking each other, we decided that it would be funny to have "alter egos" of a sort, like we are Anna and Heather the good buddies by day and The White Spy and Black Spy by night plotting each other's death. Plus, during out times of smack talking each other on MySpace, we convinced all sorts of people that we hated each other...Mostly because we did our smack talking on other people's pages, which made it that much funnier.


Right about now, you may be thinking, "What's the point of this? Is there a point?" There is a point...I am setting this up to show the pictures of what I made BS for her birthday. I had decided that I wanted to make her a bomb cake...not as in "cool", but as in "Oh my God, is that going to blow up!?" I looked up bomb cakes and found this:


Apparently, that was done with cake...Yeah, I'm not that cool yet in my cake carving abilities, but luckily for me, I watch a lot of cake shows and challenges, so I've picked up a thing or two...Like that Rice Krispie treats can be used to odd shapes that are hard to make with cake! Bwahahaha!! So, I made my bomb with Rice Krispies, fondant (which I had never worked with), spray food coloring (save your $3.50 and don't buy this shit!), and regular food coloring. I made the treats and let them cool just enough that I could handle them without receiving third degree burns on my fingers and I shaped it into the general shape of a bomb. I let that harden in the fridge. I then rolled out the fondant and put it over it, trimming off the extra. When morning came, I sprayed on the black food coloring stuff...OMG! It came out purple!! Not like purple-purple, but like lavender with a little black mixed in...This is the color you get when you make black with yellow, blue, and red, apparently, which is what the ingredients listed. BAH!


I went to go see Where the Wild Things Are before I went to get more food coloring...I didn't care for the movie all that much. We'll discuss that more in another blog. I then went to Target and bought food coloring. All they had were the basic colors (red, blue, green, and yellow). I bought it along with a water color set of paints for the paint brush. (It was either the set of paint for 94 cents or a set of brushes for $2.49...hmmm....) Once back at my mom's, I mixed the colors together in hopes of creating black. What I got instead was a really dark green!! HAHAHAHAHA!! I swear I paid attention in art class! I didn't have time to mess with it anymore and I wasn't going to go trekking around town anymore, so I called it good and painted it green. Here's what I ended up with:



Here I am dropping it off:

Hahaha! Just kidding...kind of.


Here's the Black Spy with Mini Black Spy and the cake...



And finally, here they are, eating it, which proves it wasn't poisoned. And it proves once and for all that the White Spy is not evil...*shifty eyes*



So, yeah...There's my bomb "cake" of sorts...I had so much fun making it. I am going to keep making crazy cakes and such. It's great to see the look on people's faces when you give them cool cakes...Like they get all excited. It's a nice feeling to know you made them something that makes them so happy.

Oh, the horror!!

Apparently when I agreed to work at Walmart Neighborhood Market (And I'm sorry, but I feel as though calling it a "Neighborhood Market" makes it sound friendly, when in fact, it's not friendly at all...It's like a wolf in sheep's clothing!! Oh those clever Walmart people and their clever tricks!!), I guess I also agreed to work every day for them, day in and day out, because I am now their slave. Yes, I said it, A SLAVE!! I bet you're thinking, "Umm...Heather, slavery was abolished by Andrew Jackson all those years ago." Well, you're wrong. It was abolished by Lincoln, bozo! Bwahahaha! But I digress...Yes, one would think that slavery had been abolished, but apparently, being that Walmart is an international company now, they choose which laws they folllow and they choose not to follow the United States' laws...C'mon, we all know they have poor kids working in sweatshops to provide such low prices on clothes...And this also explains why the clothes fall apart so quickly...


I worked on Friday night, which was also Family Game Night. I knew it would only be me and one other girl who's still rather new, but I had hope that we could get out of there early enough for me to make an appearance at Game Night...Plus, I told her that I couldn't be there all night since I was leaving for Cali in the morning....Yeah, whatever. The dumb girl, who I believe I called Lenny in a previous blog, let me do all the work! Okay, you caught me; I'm totally exaggerating...She cleaned the hot case. I did everything else--the fryers, the cold case, the slicers, the dishes (even though my hands broke out into the rash again and worse than before), the rotisary oven, bagged all the bread, the floors, and God only knows what else. Oh yeah...She also put trash bags into the trashcans, which apparently takes like 10-15 minutes if you're a complete ass monkey. We got out at 11pm and I was dead ass tired...like I wanted to cry because I had to walk half-way across the parking lot to get to the car and my feet hurt. Yeah, it was like I was the slave all night. So, I totally missed Family Game Night!! Phoenix and I were the ones who had thought we should have the Game Night and now I'm missing it!! *growls*


Whilst in Cali, I got a call asking if I could work on Monday night. I said, "I won't be home until sometime late on Monday since I'm in California." The assistant store manager said she understood. She's being cool with me because I agreed to work like all week and asked only for Sunday's and Mondays off (Starting next week)...She agreed. Although, she threw in the stipulation that I would sometimes come in, if possible, if she called me in on a Sunday or Monday...Whatever. Plus, she also knows I'm one of like two people who actually do any work in that damned deli!! So, then on the way home last night, Phoenix makes some joke about them calling me in tonight. I said I should go in if they do since I need the hours, but she demanded that I not go in because I'll start working all the extra hours next week...I think she just wanted me to go to Noble Tuesday tonight because it's the last one. (Now it's going to be Noble Monday...Well, something like that. We're working on a catchy name.) Sure enough, because she jinxed me, this morning my phone rang and I let it go to voicemail because it showed it was hell calling. I heard the message, "Get your ass back to work slave!!" (Or something to that effect!) Phoenix said if I wanted to go to work she would drop me off at 12:30 before she went to work and leave me there to wait for my 3pm shift...Yup, she loves me. I get it--sharing a car blows, but really? I wouldn't drop her off three and half hours before her shift. Anyway, so I called back and told them I was still in California. Now I'm hiding out in my apartment so no one sees me. Nice, huh?


I find myself wondering though--Are there no other people they can call in? Why is it me they keep calling??? I have a theory as to why they keep calling me in...They aren't allowing me time to look for a better job. I think that's what it comes down to. Those bastards...(I'll blog about the trip to Cali later...For now I have to clean house...BAH!)

And so it continues...

I was told the other day, by the woman at the local campus of Chapman (Or Brandman University, as they call themselves now...I wish I had $10 million to donate to a school so they'd call it Heather University...Or perhaps, The White Spy University...Bwahahah!), that if I was not able to post my fees for my credential by Friday, then I should contact her...But the woman at the main campus had promised to process my stuff right away, you know, so it shouldn't happen. Mmmm-hmmm, and I shouldn't crave cigarettes anymore because it's been about 10 months since I quit, but hey, shit happens, or so the bumper stickers tell me. So, I checked yesterday to see if I could post my fees, but I couldn't. I tried again this morning and then only moments ago and still, it was a no go. Seriously, what's the problem here???


Let me give you a break down of all the crap I did for school...I got a TB test. I was fingerprinted. I went to all the stupid classes, even though I swear that a few of them were the same exact class secretly guised under different names. Not only did I take these classes and do all the stupid work, but I got A's in all of the classes. Why? Because it was work a child could do! But I digress. I did their stupid final projects, which taught me absolutely nothing, but since I'm a good liar when I need to be, I acted as though I had learned oh-so-much. *rolls eyes* All I learned was how to hone my bullshitting skills...Then I sat through their hellish interview where I had four women judging me on everything and the only thing they could say was that I said, "Um" and "You know?", which is unprofessional, and that they would've liked to have seen more reflection from me. Yeah, good thing they took more than five minutes to go through that portfolio I spent a few days putting together. I'll guarantee they didn't read everything I wrote. Plus, texting and shuffling through papers was obviously more important to the one woman who also doubles as an advisor...Yeah, I'm glad she's on my side. And no, I'm not bitter because these women gave me a lousy passing score. I should've gotten the highest possible score, but whatever. Obviously they don't know who I am...Or perhaps they do and think I'm too egotistical, which meant that they had to knock me down a couple of notches...Eh, whatever. So, yeah, these were some of the hoops I had to jump through...You know, besides the unpaid student teaching stint!! Bastards.


So, after all that, they cannot seem to process my paperwork to allow me to get my stupid credential. Don't they know that I have over-extended myself on student loans and need a real job so I can pay back Sallie Mae before they send the student loan police after me. Bah! Why can't things just go easily???

Murphy's Law in Action...

You guys know what Murphy's Law is, right? The whole, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." Anyway, I believe I should officially change the name of that to "Heather's Law". No, really, nothing applies to my life more than that statement right there. Nothing ever goes as planned, even when I make preparations in case things go wrong, they will go wrong in an unforeseeable way...


As if to prove once more that this is the way of my life, the Universe bitch-slapped me again. I've been waiting for two months for my stuff to be posted with the California Teaching Credential people, right? I was told it would take about 4-6 weeks, but to keep checking it because it could go quicker. I kept checking, but nothing was happening. I emailed the woman who was taking care of my file at the campus I had attended, but she never emailed back. (Apparently, she never got it...*rolls eyes*) Yesterday, I finally called to raise hell. She pulled my file up in the computer and saw where she had sent it in on my birthday (August 12th for those of you not in the know), but it showed that the woman on the main campus who double checks the files before sending them to the CTC never received it. Umm...How does that happen!? And why my file? The woman from the local campus seemed surprised, so I get the feeling that it was only my file and not say everyone's files sent in that particular week. Of course, I got the typical excuses of, "We were having fax problems and then the woman at the main campus moved offices. Plus, with the whole name change of the university..." *rolls eyes* Seriously. If you're going to make excuses, make them something good like, "Aliens came down and stole your file because it exemplified how great students could be..." Or at the very least, tell the truth, "She used your file as a coaster for her coffee and subsequently spilled it all over to the point that she couldn't read your name. Our bad."


Such is life, right? I hate my life sometimes...Especially times like now when I have to get ready for work. I don't belong at Walmart...you know, in case you didn't know that yet. *grins* Yesterday my boss thought it was cool to yell at me some more...I threw attitude right back. I don't appreciate being yelled at and I'm sure as hell not going to stand for it. I'm going to be talking to the assistant store manager on Friday about my schedule because she wants to give me more hours and I think we're going to talk about this guy's attitude problem. I'm also having issues with people being jackasses for no apparent reason, like the woman yesterday who yelled at me because the meat she wanted sliced thinly was falling apart. Of course it is, you moron, it's freakin' oven roasted turkey breast and she wanted it just above being "shaved"! BAH! She made a huge deal out of it and then made me cut it again...So, when I made it slightly thicker, she yelled again. I wanted to tell her, "Look, I'm sorry you're such a miserable (insert bad word here), but it's not my fault that you're cold and your husband hates you and your kids never call home anymore. Nor is it my fault that your kids all moved out the day they graduated from high school and you haven't met all 19 of your grandchildren. Perhaps if you were nice people like you are to your cats, people would like you more." Of course, I only said, "Sorry ma'am. I hope you have a great day and thanks for your patience." *rolls eyes* I wonder how long before I get my first customer complaint...

The Beach Cake...And other stuff.

Okay, so I made the beach cake. I think in the end it came out pretty good. Goofy was happy about it, so I guess that's all that matters. I used graham crackers for the sandy part of the beach, blue frosting for the water, Teddy Grahams for the people, peach rings for rafts, and Airheads as beach towels. I tried making beach towels and possibly surfboards with frosting, but I couldn't make a frosting that dried hard enough for them...I could've made a frosting, but it was made with egg whites, and really, who wants to eat raw eggs? They even warned not to use the frosting with eggs on something that's meant to be eaten. Oh, okay...Wait, what? On something not to be eaten? Then why in the hell would I waste my time making the damn cake and decorating it!? Who comes up with this crap???


Our yard sale was sort of a flop. Phoenix made like $30. The funny thing is that an old man came on Sunday morning when I was outside watching the sale (or lack of sale since we had like two people come by in the four hours we were out there...) while Phoenix was inside eating breakfast with her mom and nephew. He got out of his pick up truck and said, "I suppose you probably don't have any guns. I'm looking for guns." I replied, "Nope, no guns." He then asked, "How about pocket knives? I'm always looking for good pocket knives." Me- "Nope, no knives of any kind. Sorry." He then looked to his right and saw a "display" of Phoenix's old button-up cotton plaid shirts and said, "Oh! Shirts! How much?" I told him a buck a piece (we were trying to get rid of shit). He bought four. Weird...Guns, knives, and plaid shirts...I wonder if he knew some of the shirts he bought were women's. *grins*


The birthday parties we had were cool. We had to be at the bowling alley at 1 and were there until after 5. We actually bowled for a little while and then spent most of our time watching all the kids from both parties. Phoenix claims I am mean because I wasn't cheering for her when she got strikes. I got two strikes, but she was never paying any damn attention to what I was doing. The first time I got a strike, I turned around and was in mid-cheer, looking for support, but saw she was busily posing for some picture for her mom. What the hell? She totally left me hanging! The second time I got a strike, I turned around and started to cheer, but was immediately met by her 4-year-old nephew, Bumblebee (As in the Transformer), who I had threatened a moment before that I was going to chuck him down the lane. He was behind me, trying to run for my lane with a ten pound bowling ball. Phoenix was yelling at me to stop him. So much for being happy and excited about my strike. Bah! The kid totally stole my thunder!! I don't even know what the hell he was doing with the ten pound ball!! How did he pick it up!? As a side note, he had been bowling on another lane with bumpers and managed to throw his ball down the lane so slowly that it actually stopped and rolled back towards him. It was classic! And he got a gutter ball with the bumpers...How does one do that???


All in all, the weekend was fine. Yesterday, on our way home to get ready for the parties, my work called to see if I'd come in. I said, no because I had stuff going on. They called again today while we were out playing racquetball with Phoenix's sister, boyfriend, and daughters (Little Phoenix and Goofy). I let it go to voicemail, but then called back after hearing that they wanted me to work tomorrow. I said I would go in tomorrow (And miss Noble Tuesday...boo) and then talked to the manager about my work schedule. She wants to talk to me on Friday because she wants to bump me up to 32 hours a week. I was trying to tell her that I would like to keep my schedule similar to what it is, but that doesn't work for them. Bah! They're going to screw everything up and I'm going to end up with shitty days off, I just know it. I'm not happy about this. I don't belong there...And I don't know what the hell the hold up is with my school. I keep checking for my credential thing through California, but my stuff hasn't been processed yet. I'm so over this bullshit. I spend so much of my time waiting on other people...I want to do something worthwhile, but instead, I'm stuck waiting on others to get around to doing their job. It's crap.


I guess that's about it...I need to find a new job...The only thing that's going to keep me going at Walmart is knowing that the money I'm earning is going towards our trip to New York. I don't think I mentioned it before, but we're going with Little Phoenix's 8th grade class in June. We'll be going to Philly, D.C., and New York city...The best part is the Broadway show we'll be seeing. WOO HOO! So, yeah...I'm earning money so we can go. So, until next time...Here's the slide show of the cake...

"I'm ghetto...Don't claim me."

Let's start with the bad stuff, okay? So, I think I'm having some sort of reaction to the soap or sanitizer that is used for the dishes at work. The first night I closed, I did a few dishes and came home with slightly irritated hands. Thursday night, I did all the dishes and came home with my hands itching, burning, red, and chafed. Friday morning, I woke up with my hands looking very irritated and they just hurt!! When I got to work, it only got worse from washing them so often. I finally showed the manager and she was like, "Oh...." and stepped back, as if my red, cracked, dry, and irritated hands were contagious. When I said I thought it might be from the dish soap or sanitizer, she said, "Are you sure it's not just dry skin?" Yeah, in two days time my hands went from slightly dry to Oh-my-God-my-hands-are-bleeding-dry. *rolls eyes* Her advice, "Take some Benadryl and put lotion on them." To which I replied, "I'll wait until I go home to take the Benadryl; it makes me sleepy." She laughed and said, "Yeah, that would be best." *rolls eyes again* Idiot. I took Benadryl when I got home and it helped with the itching. I've put lotion on 9,000,000 times today and it's not helping all that much. I mean, they aren't as bad as yesterday, but I'm telling you, it's their Kay Chemicals. I had a problem like this at BK from using the bleach water to wipe down the equipment. I think their sanitizer is too strong and it's going to be the death of me...Okay, probably not the death, but it will lead to dismemberment, I'm sure...


Last night I got to work with two girls who used to be buddies, but now hate each other. Hmm...Have I mentioned my love of crazy amounts of tension? Probably not because I can't stand tension like that. I grew up in a house filled with tension and was forced to often walk on eggshells so as not to piss my dad off, so I know all about it. These two girls though, Satan and, um, I don't think I gave the other girl a nickname yet...We'll call her Lenny (As in Of Mice and Men, you know, "Want to pet the rabbits, George." LOL I'm so mean.) Anyway, so Satan and Lenny weren't talking at all and were going out of their way to stay away from the other. I spent most of the evening running back and forth to check in to see what to do next. At some point in time though, they actually started talking...Probably about what a lousy worker I am or to bitch because I refused to do the dishes, even though I whip out the dishes faster than both those morons put together...Yeah, but so, I'm getting the hang of everything and I'm getting faster. Still, it was nice that it was so quiet in the deli last night. Like everyone was working and not gossiping. These girls need to learn how to work and talk, which is how I've always worked with my friends. We chat and work quickly. I thought everyone could do this, but apparently not. On the plus side, the angry deli man wasn't there, so I wasn't yelled at. WOO HOO!!


Phoenix decided that we were going to have a yardsale today at her mom's house. So, last night she went to pick up some stuff her sister was storing for her and her nephew to stay the night so he could help us move some heavy stuff for the sale. She then texted me that they were going to come into the store but that I shouldn't claim her because she was ghetto-fied in her oversized sweatshirt and sweatshorts. Yeah, she should worry a lot...I was the one in a hair net, a green polo, tan pants, Dr. Scholl's shoes like I'm some kind of old lady, and an apron. I think her outfit was a step-up from my ghetto-ass Walmart employee uniform. Anyway, she came in with her nephew, we'll call him, "Trouble", and they kept walking around and around in the produce department watching me. They suck. I got done with work and then found them in line. I think my co-workers, Satan and Lenny saw her, but whatever. I didn't lie about having a girlfriend, but I sure as hell didn't tell them she's ghetto. I wonder what kind of gossip will be flying around the deli by the time I return next Wednesday...They'll probably be saying things like that I'm dating a homeless woman...Shhh, don't tell Phoenix I said that.


I am in the middle of decorating a cake for Phoenix's niece, Goofy. Her birthday was this past Tuesday, but she's having a party tomorrow. I am making a beach cake, which sounded way easier than a cake of two people having a pillow fight...Or a World of Warcraft cake...Or...um...I can't remember the other option. Yeah, so I have part of the cake done and it looks all right. I've been taking pics as I've been decorating, so I'll post them when I'm done. Here's what I was using as my inspiration:


We'll see how it goes...I'm sure mine won't look pro like that, but it'll be cool, I'm sure...Plus, she's only going to put her face in it, so it doesn't need to be perfect, right?


I guess that's it for me. I need to work on the cake and I'm trying to figure out what to write my next article on for the examiner.com. Oh yeah, that was a shameless plug. Go read my shit! I have some ideas, but I don't know how to make them "local"...Perhaps I'll just write them and pretend they're local...Hahaha. Whatever. Peace out, folks.

It just keeps getting better and better...

Yesterday I got to work a little early so that stupid deli guy couldn't yell at me for not being there ten minutes early to relieve the people who were already working. When I got there, I was confronted by a girl, we'll call her Ditsy. So, Ditsy tells me that the other two girls I was to work with called in. Um, what? And I would be alone in the deli. Wait...What? But they were trying to find someone who could at least cover my breaks. No, really, what? Ditzy kept talking and I was half-listening as I was quickly considering my option...Obviously I need my job (otherwise I wouldn't have taken it), so saying, "Peace out mo-fos!" and running for the door was not an option. Finding options after that was hard because I could only think, "They can't leave me alone in the deli...I don't know how to make the rotisserie chickens! Or cook the bread! I don't know what to do!" I wondered if I could claim I too was sick and leave...I doubted this only because I was already there and appeared fine. I finally clocked in and headed to hell, I mean the deli...still trying to figure out how I was going to get out of doing it all by myself...


When I got to the deli, I was confronted by some mean old woman who worked there. She said, "I am off. You help customer." I then watched as this mean old lady stopped in the middle of cutting some meat for a man and walked off. I was rather horrified at the whole thing. I finished the guy's stuff and then realized she was in the back putting away some dishes. I went back there and she said, "I go now." And walked out. WTF? Ditsy came back from her break and explained that she was trying to get a hold of Tortilla (the girl who had trained me the night before) to see if she would please come in. She was also trying to get a hold of Satan (the girl with the attitude), who had supposedly sliced open her hand while doing the dishes for her mom. *rolls eyes* I kept asking, "They're not really going to leave me alone here...Are they?" She laughed. When I realized that no one was coming in, I started working doubly fast because I had a bunch of shit to get done by 5. See, us deli workers make a lot more than most of the other workers because we do the work of two employees...There are no bakery girls, just us deli girls. So, we have to do all the deli stuff, plus make the french bread and other bakery treats that can be found at our store, like pastries and such. We just don't decorate cakes...


Ditsy finally tells me that Satan is going to be in before 6. She also says that she has to go to school, but she'll come back after school to help with closing. I was like, "Cool," but it wasn't cool because in the meantime, I had no one to help me! (And Ditsy never came back.) The managers came by and checked on me, explaining to me how to page for a manager to the deli in case I needed help. I was tempted to be all, "I know how to use it." And then when they walked away, pick up the phone and page them back to tell them that I needed help since I'm alone in the deli!! I opted not to though...Although, I doubt this is actually part of the training process.


At some point in time, this guy, we'll call him Dopey, comes over and says, "They sent me to help a little..." He couldn't handle it when he had two customers at the counter, which is the only thing he knew how to do. BAH! I had to keep stopping make salads to help him help people. It sucked. Then he was all, "Oh, a truck is in. I have to go." And he left me alone. He was with me for like fifteen/twenty minutes. *rolls eyes* I was alone for almost two hours before Satan arrived. She looked surprised that they had left me alone. She also tried to tell me that her finger had required stitches, but that it had been bleeding so badly that they couldn't stitch it. Do I look dumb? (Don't answer that!) If something is bleeding so badly that it won't stop, that's usually when they stitch it. She tried telling me that they said they would stitch it after she got off work. Again, I am not so dumb. I once cut my finger on a lid from a can of dog food and my dad had to drive me to Kaiser, which was 45 minutes away to get stitches because it was that bad. By the time we got there and they got me in the room, it was too late to do stitches, which may be why the scar is so evident. I told her, "You should've super glued it." Bwhahaha, you should've seen the look on her face.


So, Satan wasn't half as bad as I had expected. On the plus side, she's not all about milking the clock, so even though there were only the two of us, we got out at 10:05 last night...Like twenty minutes earlier than the night before when there had been three of us!! She showed me more stuff, so I'm starting to learn it all. Still, it's so much work. I mean, I had to prep sandwiches, salads, turkey wraps, bag bread, prep french bread, fry food, cook chicken, clean the slicers, hose off the floors, sweep, do dishes, clean the rotisery (gross), and I know I'm forgetting stuff here...Plus, we have to help customers all the time. Bagging french bread isn't hard, but it's time consuming. Just like the sandwiches...I mean, you have to cut the bread, put on the meat, then the cheese, then the lettuce, then shove it into a baggie-type bag (which it barely fits in and if you force it too much, you'll break the sandwich...I haven't done it; I'm just saying...*shifty eyes*), then wrap and seal the bag, then put the sticker on it, then label (price) it. Don't they have cheap laborers in a foreign country who do this sort of stuff???


The kicker of the entire night was when I went to leave and realized I didn't have my nametag. I know I had it when I got back from my break because I have to use it to clock in. I had no idea where I had lost it. One would think I would notice if I lost my big fat Walmart nametag, which was attached to the middle of my polo shirt where the buttons are...But yeah, I didn't. Then I searched the entire deli and couldn't find it. *cursing loudly* What the hell??? Satan laughed at me. Finally, I went to ask if it had been turned in to the cashiers, but no. Then I went to the break room and asked, again, no. A support manager was in there and I said, "Ummm...I need to clock out. What do I do?" He then sighed as if I was asking the world of him and he said, "I guess I can give you a sticker!" He retrieved a sticker with my barcode on it and gave it to me...No, not a new name badge, but just a label like you'd see on product--a sticker with a bar code. I thanked him, even though I would've preferred to tell him what a jerk-wad he was, and then clocked out to leave.


I survived the night, but barely. I just couldn't believe that they were seriously going to leave me by myself. How can you take a girl, on her second night of closing, and expect her to know enough to close on her own!? I need a new job...And I needed it a week ago. Screw this place.


As a side note, I hate when Phoenix is right. I had told her about Satan the other day before I actually worked with her and she was like, "Watch, she'll be your new best friend." I was like, "No way!!" Unfortunately, she's probably the nicest of the other workers and the most helpful...I mean, when she came in to work, you know? Still...All I could think last night as I was laughing with Satan was, "Damn it! Phoenix is right! I hate when she's right!" Shhhhh...let's not tell her, okay? Good thing she never reads these things!


Okay, I'm going back to bed...Phoenix had to be in at 6am, so I was awake, but I'm exhausted and need more sleep. I get the feeling it's going to be a long, long day.

I don't have much time, but...

I totally need to vent about my job. Yes, I get it--I have a job and I should be happy, but seriously, IT SUCKS BALLS!! BIG HAIRY SHWEATY BALLS!! Like yesterday I was trying to find the best way to make a good thing come from this crappy situation, but yeah, it's not going to happen. First of all, as most of you know from reading my blogs and those of you who know me, I am not a flippin' optimist. I don't know how to be an optimist, unless my optimism is lined with pessimism...I like to think of myself as optimistically pessimistic--that is, I am favorably looking forward to the worst possible outcome...Or something like that. Anyway, secondly, I work with idiots and jerks and I can't get past that...


Now let me defend myself for one moment because people like J-Dawg are going, "Whoa there, Heather...You were a total *BEEP* to me when I started at Burger King!" Yes, but not really. I growl a lot, but my bark is much worse than my bite. And really, who's happy working at the BK? But I digress...I wasn't a jerk. I worked well with most of the people I was stuck working with and did what I had to do. I also didn't yell at people for no apparent reason. If I was yelling at you, then you screwed something up...like the food I needed for drive-thru or something.


Yesterday I got yelled at by the guy in charge of the deli, not once, but a few times, for doing stuff the girl who was training me told me to do. Seriously, it took everything in me not to tell him to go *BEEP* himself. I need the job, so I'm biting my tongue, but this jerk shouldn't be yelling at the new girl for not knowing how stuff is to be done, not to mention that every flippin' manager there has a different idea on what's going on and how things should be ran!! Seriously, I don't think it's cool to be talked down to and yelled at like I'm some kind of idiot. If I'm being trained incorrectly, then tell the person training me, right? I even mentioned the things I got yelled at to the girl training me and he hadn't said anything to her. *rolls eyes* Also, the guy in charge also apparently takes a great deal of attitude from the girl I met the other day who has a HUGE attitude problem. I heard that no one there really says anything to her. Should be interesting since I work with her tonight...I'm not known for putting up with people treating me shitty...especially my equals.


The girls I work with are so full of drama that it's just plain ridiculous. They're all right around 21 or so, so they're pretty young, but even when I was 21, I wasn't like them...And I would've hated them then too. Sure, my friends have had their fair share of drama, but on the plus side, my friends weren't all sleeping together or trying to sleep together. Blech! Seriously. Work and pleasure don't mix. I don't care who disagrees with this statement, it just doesn't work. It's gross. C'mon, get out and meet people. But I digress again...I learned all the gossip last night from one of the girls working and I was just like, "Oh." *straight face* The girl then asked me how old I am. I said, "30." She looked at me and said, "Not uh. How old really?" To which I replied, "No, really. I'm 30. And I'm too old for all the drama here. I just want to work and get paid." She laughed at me...The other girl heard me and laughed too. I wasn't kidding. At BK, at one point, we had like all girls working on the day shift and we were fine. We didn't purposely screw each other over and we worked together. These girls know nothing of teamwork. They were surprised because when I finished doing stuff, I would ask for more work or would jump in and help them with their stuff. DUH! DUH! I don't want to be there all night long!!


As it was, I got off almost an hour late last night! And Phoenix was sitting here waiting for me so we could go grocery shopping. (Fry's has senior day on the first Wednesday of each month...We use her mom's card and get an extra 10% off!!) I was emotionally and physically drained by the time I got home. Yeah, and today I got an email notifying me that I was not chosen for the Starbucks job. *growls loudly* Whatever. I didn't want to commute to the airport every day anyway, right? I also got an email from Bella Books that they received my manuscript and I'll hear something, either way, soon. I guess it takes them a while to notify people that they receive stuff because I sent it in on the 25th or something of last month. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope they want to read the entire manuscript. I might be able to put up with my job a little longer if they consider my manuscript...


Okay, I have to go get ready now. I better get out on time tonight. Peace...

She actually spit water out of her mouth!!

So, yesterday Phoenix and I went to go play racquetball again. I don't really mind playing, but my right knee was killing me. I was afraid to jump or run around too much because, more or less, my knee felt like Jell-O. Still, I played. We actually played a game and kept score...Yeah, I totally won. It was 10-6. *shifty eyes* Okay, fine, you caught me--She won. Gah, let it go. I'm still a beginner.


After racquetball, we ended up going to Walmart to pick up a few odds and ends. Apparently, in our unshowered state, we fit in with the other customers. People who shop there are so ghetto...I mean, besides us. When we left, we almost got into an accident because backing out of parking spots is obviously hard for people. Within like two minutes of us getting into our car, five people were backing out all at once, including us. To make matters worse, a woman (probably on crack) appeared to be waiting for a handicapped spot with a whole line of traffic behind her because she was in the middle of the aisle, blocking anyone from going either way. Seriously, it was a scary situation. We finally got out of it though and made it home, where we realized that we didn't have enough lasagna noodles to make dinner. So, you guessed it, we went back out to the store. (I don't know how I made it because my knee hurt so badly that I wanted to cry.) At the grocery store, we got the noodles and then ran back to the bakery to talk to a cake decorator. When we walked up, a girl asked Phoenix, "Did you need help?" Of course, Phoenix can't help herself as she answers, "No, we're just standing here." I cut in and asked if they made edible images because I'm making a cake for Phoenix's niece, "Goofy" this weekend and she loves WOW, so I thought I'd make a cake that looks like the box for the first WOW game...The girl replied, "Yes." I asked if I could just get an image or if I had to buy a whole cake, to which she said, "You'd have to talk to my decorator." Really? Your decorator? She was like 17 and too busy flirting with some guy to even help us in the first place, so I would hope she wasn't in charge. WTH? My other option is to make a beach cake, which might be fun! I saw some cool ideas online. I'm going to consider it tonight and then I'll let you all know what I end up doing.


The point about bringing up running all over Timbuktu and back is this: When we got home from Walmart and racquetball, I had taken off my t-shirt because I had been planning on going to take a shower. So, I was running around in the tank top (wife-beater) that I had on under it. Then we decided to go to the grocery store to get the noodles. Phoenix was in the kitchen drinking water as I grabbed my keys and said, "Let's go." I made it a few steps before realizing that I was still in my wife-beater, which I won't be caught dead in around other people. Fat girls should not wear tank tops...I'm just saying. I turned back to Phoenix and said, "I just almost walked out without my shirt on!" She then proceeded to spit water out, repeatedly, because she was trying to stop herself. It's been a while since I made someone spit a drink out of their mouth because I made them laugh....Bwahahaha! She did say though, as we were walking out (with my shirt on), "I wouldn't have noticed because I'm used to you wearing them around the apartment..." Gee, thanks honey, for always looking out for me!


So, I think I mentioned before that Phoenix's niece, Little Phoenix, also blogs. I totally enjoy her blogs. She's a great writer. I thought I would share a snip-it from her blog about our adventure to the library, art museum, and model homes. This is about our trip to the library and I think you'll all laugh as much as I did...


"We then had to quit after 4 houses to go to the library. AHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHA
WE get there and guess who we see! My mom. HA no, it was Red's "Boyfriend." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
OH what a laugh there... the guy looked liked a WEIRDO. Its hard to explain how he looked but he was totally not who i pictured. (i do remember how his belly HUNG OUT OF HIS SHIRT! ewwwwww!) it was disturbing at the time. and then my tia thinks its a great idea to go and take pictures of him, I mean what is he? a model? A famous person... eh not close enough dude...

Anyway so Red was parking the car but then she comes up and apparently the dude's face goes from blues to HOO HOOS! Boy was he happy. So we wait in line and wait and wait and wait and then the doors open at 1. (okay so we weren't waiting forever but if you know me, you know i over exaggerate.) So after getting our Little card to go in and get another pass for the art museum, we walk in and I'm in back with my tia and Red, Grumpy and Princess are up front. The guy comes our way and passes Red. Then I think he was trying to talk to her. His poor little face when she didn't say anything."

<>
I think my favorite part is "the dude's face goes from blues to HOO HOOS!" Anyway, I just had to share because I thought it was absolutely funny and worth reading. I hope Little Phoenix doesn't mind because I didn't ask before I copied and pasted it...lol.

"Well it's about time you got your fat ass off the couch and moved around..."

I know you've been waiting for me to post a new blog and I've been lazy. I apologize. I worked all day on Sunday and by the time I got home, my feet hurt, my back ached, I was starving, and exhausted...So, of course, we went grocery shopping. *rolls eyes* Then yesterday we went to play racquetball and by the time we got back, I thought my knees were going to break apart. I've been rough on my body lately trying to work out and such, which is kicking my butt...Anyway, let me explain about Sunday...


I got to work at a little before seven and flipped out in the parking lot because I couldn't find my name badge, which I needed to have to clock in. I found it after searching through the car; it had fallen down between the passenger seat and the center console. This is not the first place I look for things...grrr...Anyway, I got to work and finished my training video/module things in the first hour or so I was there. The assistant manager, who hadn't been there on Saturday was surprised that I was done and tossed me to the wolves--er, I mean into the deli. I was introduced to two girls working there and one was supposed to be training me. More or less, she showed me a couple of things and then left me to fend for myself. I was helping customers and slicing meat even though I wasn't shown how to use the slicer. Sounds safe, huh? I was so slow!! Some people were getting frustrated with me, but I flashed my award-winning smile and explained that it was my first day. For the most part, that worked. I was bitched out by a lady who got mad at me because I didn't put paper between her slices of cheese. *rolls eyes* After I explained that it was my first day and that I was sorry, she apologized for being so bitchy. Eh, whatever. The job isn't hard, but there's so much to do. There didn't appear to be any real bakery girls because we had to do the bakery stuff too...Like I glazed cinnamon rolls and then boxed them up, along with turnovers, and then bagged French bread. I was also expected to know how to use their fryer (which is not like the kind I used at BK years ago). Their deep fryer has to be programmed for the times to cook and no one told me how long to cook everything for. When the night girls came in and had to make food, they got pissed. Oh freakin' well! No one showed me how to do it! One of the girls who was supposed to be helping during the day tried to throw me under the bus. I had gotten back from my break when the night girls were coming in and she told the assistant manager that I know "nothing about cleaning". I wanted to smack the (insert bad word here) upside her head. I mean, what the hell? I was running all over that flippin' deli helping customers, bagging bread, and doing everything while she stood over in produce flirting with a guy named Patrick, who looks strangely similar to my cousin Patrick. I told the manager that I was sorry, but that I had been trying to clean except that I kept getting backed up with customers, she said she knew that, so I'm hoping that it all works out. I just don't get why, on my first real day of work, I was left alone. The manager had repeatedly popped up and checked on me and she never had anything bad to say, so we'll see...


I came home so tired and sore though, which sucked. I was sore because, whereas most places have the display case with meat, which is the meat to be cut, Walmart has the case with the meat that people see, but then under the case they have a refrigerated section with sliding doors where the meat is kept. So, every time I needed something, I had to bend down/squat down/sit on my knees to find it under the case. I must've bent over 900 times while I was there. My low back was killing me. My feet hurt because I was wearing my old worn out Airwalks. It just sucked. I had complained to Phoenix at lunchtime that I was sore and she said, "Well, it's about time you got your fat ass off the couch and moved around..." *shifty eyes* Okay, fine, perhaps she just said it's about time I got off the couch and got to moving...My way sounds better though. *grins*


So, yeah, that's my job. One of the night girls is one I met on Friday and she wasn't nice at all. Phoenix joked that she'll be my new best friend soon enough. *shakes head and rolls eyes* She was so rude. The other two seemed nice enough though, so that's cool. I just want to be able to make some friends, but I think these are not the type of people I'll be hanging out with...I mean, I don't think I'll have much in common with them...You know, because I'm cool and, well, um, they're just not. *laughs wildly*


I guess that's about it. I have no real desire to work there, but it's a job, right? And they're paying me more than most fast food places would...And I didn't hear back from Starbucks, so I'm guessing I didn't get that job. *sighs* So, I'm going to end this blog on a funny note...It's that time of year again for JibJab videos. For those of you not familiar, these are the people who came up with the Elf Yourself videos. Now they have a Halloween one. So, enjoy. I used my picture along with Phoenix (Bride of Frankenstein), Maggie (my middle sister as Frankenstein), my mom (Wolfman), and Callie (my youngest sister as Dracula).

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I'm too cute to work at Walmart...

Okay, that's probably a lie, but it sounds good to me...All joking aside, I don't belong at Walmart. I don't want to say that I'm too good to work there, but it's just not right. I really don't belong there...not even for the great blog material...


Yesterday was my orientation, which pretty much sent me into a nervous breakdown and not the good kind that makes for funny venting blogs, but the kind where I'm just pissed at the world and mostly at myself and everything just makes me more pissed. I spent a little over two hours yesterday listing to this lady going on and on about their policies. Here's my favorite policy: You are only allowed three unexcused absences before you get a warning (like a talking to) in a rolling six-month period. Okay, I know that doesn't sound bad, but let me explain about the absences...Excused absences are like if you're stuck in court or a family member dies. Stop laughing, I'm not kidding. Unexcused absences are illness, car accidents, don't feel like coming in, etc...Seriously. I asked, "For the sake of argument, let's say I get sick with bronchitis and go to the doctor and I bring you a note showing I'm sick. Would that be excused?" She said, "Nope. Although, if you miss three days in a row because you're sick, that's only one unexcused absence, not three." Oh goody. It's nice that calling out with pneumonia ranks up there with "Oh, I don't feel like coming in today because I want to watch Ellen." Morons.


Today I had to be there at 7am for training. Basically, I sat at a computer terminal all day and watched these stupid training power point-type presentations and then took quizzes. I went through 24/28 training modules (as they call them). On the plus side, I am now familiar with Walmart's idea of ethics, can use a power jack (to move pallets of crap), and know all about how Walmart cares about diversity. (Funny that in the diversity videos the only white people were women and that the "managers" had accents from all around the world.) Oh yeah, and I also know that African Americans spend the most amount of money at Walmart. Each year African Americans spend about $360 billion, while Hispanics only spend about $320 billion...Something like that.


So, aside from the boring snooze-fest training crap, I was having other issues today...Firstly, I realized that I used to enjoy my breaks at work better when I was a smoker. There was something satisfying about breaks back then. Now I'm just bored. I actually skipped one of my breaks today because I had nothing to do...Seriously. Secondly, I nearly walked out this afternoon when I went on my last break of the day. I went into the bathrooms which are gross because our bathrooms are the same as the customers. Blech. I go in and go about my business when I realize that the woman in the stall next to me is puking her brains out. *gags* I have no desire to work with the public. I don't think I've ever gone pee so quickly in my life. I couldn't get out of the bathroom fast enough. Then I went to sit outside (I needed fresh air after listening to her.) and I watched the people come and go. (I wasn't outside smoking...Just watching people.) The people are ghetto. I saw some Mexican people coming out of the store and the little boys were kicking the ever living hell out of each other. It reminded me of this:

The Mexican boys were kicking each other in the butt, but still...They couldn't have been more than like 8. And the moms just stood by watching. Then the one boy came walking up to me and said, "Who you?" I asked, "Who're you?" He said, "Nothing!" And then ran off to kick his brother/cousin/friend/enemy again. WTF? Here's a little boy who thinks it's okay to answer "Nothing" when I ask who he is!! Where the hell is his English teacher??? And there I am, wasting my life away answering ridiculous questions so that they can train me in the deli instead of teaching little Mexican boys to answer questions properly!


Oh yeah...Want to hear the kicker? I have to wear a flippin' hair net! A HAIR NET! I've never had to wear a hair net in all my time of working fast food! (Well, except for like a week at Pizza Hut when the DM was on a rampage...) I would wear a baseball cap any day, but a hair net!? Shoot me now.


No, really. Shoot me. I'm not even looking forward to working with some of the girls in the deli. Yesterday, I got a walk-through look of the deli and the bakery girl barely said a hello when we were introduced and the deli lady looked me over and said nothing. Today I met a girl who works in the deli. She was in the break room while I was training, so she introduced herself and a guy who works by the deli, whatever that means. They seemed nice enough, but what bothered me is that nearly everyone who took a break while I was in the office going through my training modules tried to talk to me. Did they not see me with the headphones on my ears (They didn't have speakers, just the headphones.) and clicking away at the computer? Apparently not. It was more important to find out if I was a new over-nighter or what my job was. It was nice for them to say hi, but really, they're all just nosy because it would appear that at every job people live for the latest gossip. This is not where I belong...


Yeah, so basically it all just sucks. On the plus side, my schedule for right now is Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday...I'm cool with that. Still, it's killing me. I'm Heather. I majored in English. I'm freakin' smart. I got good grades. I worked so hard and did everything I was supposed to do and yet here I am...At a shitty dead-end job. Whatever. Be looking for the blogs about the people I will see...I'm telling you--Ghetto people. Should make for good times for you guys.

Anyone want a cat?

First things first...Walmart finally called this morning and I have orientation at three this afternoon. It was either then or next Wednesday. I'm not sure why they want to take their dear sweet time, but whatever. I chose today and I hope to actually work at some point in time.


In other news, Phoenix had to be in at work at 6am today. I guess this is the new thing for every Friday because she doesn't want to miss Family Game Night (which is every couple of weeks). Also, the woman she switched shifts with needs Friday mornings off for something with her son, so whatever. Here's my issue with it...No, it's not that she gets to go to Family Game Night even though I'll probably be missing it from now on. No, the problem is that she gets up at a little before 5am and I wake up too. I wake up to the alarm clocks. Then I can hear her showering and moving around, so I can't sleep. This wouldn't be a big deal if I went to bed at a normal time, but I don't because every other night we go to bed at like 2am since she doesn't get home until after 9pm, so it just sucks! I can't sleep when she's not here...I know how lame that sounds, but it's true. I've never really lived in an apartment before and I cannot get used to all the noises from other people.


Which leads me to the topic of the cat...I am so close to actually putting the cat outside and watching it walk away. I'm not even kidding. I didn't want a cat in the first place because I am allergic to them. Not in a "Oh my God I can't breathe!" kind of way, but if the cat sleeps on my pillow then I will wake up with a stuffy nose and scratchy throat. Personally, I think cats are gross anyway. People try to claim they're clean, but they're not. They walk around in their litter boxes and then all over your furniture and whatever else they can get on. Our cat recently though has been pissed off at us. She doesn't like it when she's home alone all day long and will tear up things like rolls of toilet paper. Last night she was mad at me because I kicked her off our bed because she was attacking my feet. Next thing I knew she was in the living room tearing up the grocery ads. She's also caught on to my being the one to lock her in kitty prison (the bathroom on the other side of the apartment so I don't have to listen to her meow), so she will hide from me. It took me twenty minutes last night to catch her. By the time I was done messing around with the cat and went to bed, it was a little after 2am and I woke up at 4:55am with Phoenix. I dozed a little until Phoenix left, but I couldn't totally fall asleep because Taboo was meowing at Phoenix and then playing on the bed. When she left, the cat went bonkers. She was freaking out over everything and running through the apartment like a crazed maniac.


I finally dozed off at a little after 8am because the cat had calmed down, but then Phoenix called me at 8:45. I talked to her for a moment and then hung up to go back to sleep. Taboo had woken up from the phone and then came to attack my feet. She retreated under the couch when I sprayed her with the spray bottle, but then she was attacking me from under the couch, which is where I was napping. Then the lady from Walmart called, so I was really awake. At 10:30, I laid back down because I need some sleep. I feel as though my head is swimming. I was asleep for a few minutes when I heard a loud crashing noise. The cat had been asleep on the back of the couch. (She had fallen asleep as she laid there watching people in the courtyard. I like to think that she imagines what it would be like to be a sniper and shooting at the people below...Or at the very least what it would be like to attack them.) Yeah, she wasn't on the couch anymore. She was in the kitchen getting into the trashcan. WTF? There was absolutely nothing in the trash that would entice her, so yeah....In her hurry to get away from me, she knocked over a TV tray and then slammed into Phoenix's nightstand on her side of the bed in our room. I am done with the cat. I just need some sleep, but she won't let me sleep! If I go into the bedroom, she'll follow me and attack my feet. If I stay out here, she gets into stuff to keep me awake. And if I lock her out of the room or put her in the bathroom, she'll meow. I hate the cat and I think she knows that so she messes with me more...


So, I ask...Anyone want a cat? I want someone with rough children to take her. In fact, the rougher, the better. I am going to try to lay down once more and if the cat keeps me from sleeping, I'm throwing her outside where she can fend off the foreigners who live here who might want to eat her...

What the hell is the hold up!?

Okay, so I called Walmart on Tuesday because the woman who hired me had said that either she or this other woman would be in touch with me on Tuesday...I waited until late afternoon to call, so it's not like I was being impatient. When I called, the woman who hired me said that the other lady would be in touch with me on Thursday and basically made it sound as though all was well. Great. I don't really care, but I would like to start working, you know? I don't get paid for sitting here writing these blogs, although I should. Plus, people keep asking, "Did you start? How was your first day?" To which I reply, "Of course I started...I'm on a cycle here of 28 days and my first day was like all the rest...Cramps and crankiness, duh!" They probably don't mean that, huh? Which would explain the strange looks I get...


All joking aside, I would like to start so I can tell people I started and perhaps they'll leave me alone. So, yeah, here it is, Thursday night and I haven't heard anything from this other lady. I considered calling, but I don't want to seem impatient, you know? But I am impatient and this is bothering the hell out of me. My sister asked me earlier if I was sure I passed the drug test. I had to explain that since I've been out of work for so long, I had to kick the drug habit because I couldn't afford it...Once I start working though, I hope to pick up smoking crack once more. *grins*


In other news, I'm holding out hope that Starbucks calls with a job offer. Seriously, I would like a job with benefits and set hours. How nice would that be? Phoenix is holding out hope I get it too. Everything just sucks right now though because it's like every time things start too look up, it all goes to hell in a hand basket...And not a pretty hand basket like Dorothy has in The Wizard of Oz, but some shitty old tore up hand basket...Last week everything seemed so good. My mom was going to sell my transmission and engine from my old Nova to some fireman from L.A. who was going to put it in his truck so then I would have money to fix my car. Then Walmart called with the job offer. Then Starbucks wanted to interview me for a good position. I was thinking, "Finally!! Things are going to be okay again!" Then here it is a week later and Walmart hasn't started me. The fireman drove to my parents' house and decided that he wasn't going to get the engine because he thought it would come right out of the car (The ad said he'd have to pull it and I told him how to pull it out.) with little effort (Although, it's my understanding that my stepdad was the one doing the work while he watched...Moron.). So, no money for that. It makes no sense at all. It's like the Universe is all, "Here you go, Heather, I'm going to give you a break!" And I'm like, "Thanks, Universe. You're swell!" Then Universe goes, "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! JUST KIDDING! You totally thought life was going to be okay and it's not! SUCKER!" That's pretty much the story of my life.


No, I do not feel sorry for myself...I've grown accustomed to the Universe laughing in my face. Usually it provides laughter to those around me, so it's all good. Anyway, that's about it for today...I'm just sitting here, waiting for Godot...Er, um, I mean, Walmart. On the plus side, I've been writing for the last few days and I'm on page 50. I've been hauling butt through this story...I just hope it comes out as good as the first one. We'll see. I might also be posting a blog tomorrow about what I'm making for dinner tonight. A friend of mine gave me a recipe for tortillas, which I'm going to attempt to make. I'm not Mexican though, not even by association, so this might not work...We'll see...Wish me luck in my endeavors!