As many of you know, I spent a majority of my life avoiding people touching me. I remember as a small child, of like 5 or so, avoiding my one grandma I called, "Nana". She would always try to hug me and all her kisses seemed to be aimed at my lips. *shivers at the thoughts* So gross! She was old and wrinkly and had all sorts of health issues. With all the meds she was on, and probably due to poor hygiene, she always smelled and I hated her kissing me and hugging me. I know, five is pretty young to avoid people's affection, but I did. It only got worse from there. Once when I was like 12 or so, probably not long before Nana passed away, I told her she smelled like formaldehyde. That didn't go over too well. I don't even know why I had said that as I didn't know what that smelled like, but I knew it was used to preserve old dead things. I know, I know, I'm a horrible person. *shrugs* That's me, take or leave it, but you can see that this has been an on-going problem.
As a teenager, I remember having friends who thought it was "normal" (whatever that is) to hug one another and to sit so close that you might as well be on the person's lap. I was so not into this. I used to ALWAYS say, "Don't touch me!" Or "Stop touching me!" It was just me and I hated people trying to touch me. People are dirty and sometimes they smell...Not always bad, but think of all the stuff you put on--lotion, body wash, shampoo, toothpaste, make-up, body spray--It can all become overwhelming. I don't have a hound dog's nose, but really, it's a bit much. I know, I spray my body spray all the time, but I don't go out of my way to be close to people or whatever. But I digress...For some of my friends, it became a game. Like people would go out of their way to walk by me in the hall and reach out to touch me or whatever. *rolls eyes* And each time, I'd fall for it and be like, "Dude! Don't touch me!" Remember, I said I was a teenager at the time. In fact, some people took it too far and would make it a point to try to stroke my hair and freak me out even more...Yup, these are the types of people I chummed around with.
As an adult, I chilled out a bit and found it was easier to avoid people touching me. It freaks me out though when people touch me because I have no idea where their hands have been. I mean, look at this:
Hello! I don't want your ball germs on me! People are so gross!! And I know people don't always wash their hands! I see people all the time at work in the bathroom who don't wash their hands or who sit there fixing their hair before washing their hands. Dude, you just got pee germs all over your hair! Plus, my Grandpa taught me to NEVER touch the door handle in the bathroom because again PEOPLE DON'T WASH THEIR HANDS! But I constantly see people wash their hands, then grab that door handle! EWWW!!! And then these are the people who offer to grab you a drink from the cafeteria, shake your hand, grab a cookie off that plate of cookies, etc...*gags* It freaks me out.
What's the point of this rant, you ask? Well let me tell you...This morning we had to go to a court hearing for the foster kids. The girls' mom and dad were there, along with the baby daddies for the other two older kids and grandma to one of the girls. The judge started off the hearing all pissed off because mom went off on the grandma outside the courtroom, blaming her for the kids being taken away, and the sheriffs had to intervene to prevent any blows from being thrown. After watching that scene, I knew we'd have the kids for a while longer at least. So, we sat through the hearing, listening to all the lies being thrown about by the parents and everyone else. CPS sat there, not saying much of anything. It took everything in me to keep quiet as I listened to the bullshit the parents' attorneys were saying. Afterward, we stood in the hall waiting to talk to the CPS worker, but mom and dad got to her first. We stood there for over twenty minutes waiting our turn. Finally we got to have our say with her and then the parents walked out to the parking lot with us. As we walked, the mom kept reaching out and touching me. It's not considered good manners to cringe as someone reaches towards you, so I refrained, but really...In my head, this is what it looked like as she reached for me.
or even like this:
You know those are gross...And a little funny in that, "I now need to take a shower with bleach and steel wool" sort of way. But seriously, this is what she looks like to me. I know she's been a druggie in the past and is trying to get clean now. I don't know what sort of diseases or things she has. Phoenix told me that herpes is not contagious through touch after we had left court today and I complained about it, and I know that, but still...I was literally giving myself hives afterward because it was freaking me out so badly. There's no need for her to touch me, but she kept reaching out and touching my arms and my shoulders. I am NOT A TOUCHY FEELY PERSON! BACK OFF!!! I was yelling this on the inside as I kept scooting further and further from her filthy gross hands and speed pocked face...But alas, she kept stepping closer. What is it with people that they cannot read social clues? Like if someone is backing away or turning away from you, it's probably because they don't want you to be around them!
Okay, so I am not as OCD as I sound. I don't wash my hands 800 hundred times a day with antibacterial soap...Nope, I'm doing much better--I'm down to 478 times a day. (It has to be a round number!) Seriously though, why must people touch others? I don't want to hold hands with little Hurricane at night to pray because the kid literally puts her hand in her mouth before reaching out to me. I think Phoenix pays her in McDonald's chicken tenders for doing this. I don't want to hold hands with Sir Complains A Lot because she has a couple of warts on her hands. I don't want to touch Phoenix's hands because she scratches her butt all the time! Hahahahaha!! Just kidding about the last part...Or was I? Bwahahahaha!
So, I suppose I should stop ranting, but really...People are yucky. That's it for me tonight! Peace out!
Recently I've come to realize that just because you have an opinion, doesn't mean you need to share it. I mean, yes, it's a free country and you can share it, but is it always necessary? I guess I've been thinking about this because of all the shit that's been going on on Facebook...I know, it's a public forum and if you share something, then everyone you've "friended" has the right to say whatever they think or feel, but stop and think about this--Are these things you'd say to someone's face? Probably not. People feel empowered and bad-ass behind their keyboards. It's like a feeling of invincibility--"I'll say whatever the fuck I want, consequences be damned!" I'm not saying not to share, but, fuck, people...Stop and think before you type. Like the spoken word, once it's out there, it's out there and you can't take it back and words cut like a knife.
Some of you may have witnessed the complete meltdown of a person I may have once called friend. Not anymore and now that I think about, not for a long time. Some people come into our lives as guest stars for an episode and then they are gone and that's okay...When they come back, trying to make another appearance is when things start to get messy. This person went totally postal over a post I had put about how it was national coming out day and no one had posted it. Mind you, I know people who go out of their way to post what "day" it is all the time. Who cares if it's National Ice Cream Day? Unless Ben and Jerry's is handing out free cartons of Phish Food or Everything But The... or Coffee Heath Bar, I'm not interested. I was kidding and apparently, some people who know me don't know me very well and completely missed the sarcasm behind my words. Perhaps next time, I'll make sure to put a smiley face or "lol" after what I type. Perhaps I should put *sarcasm* at the end of my posts so that morons know I'm kidding. *shrugs* Whatever. So, this person went off and even went so far as to say "You chose this lifestyle." Yup, I chose to be a fucking lesbian. *rolls eyes* That's like saying someone chose to be black or tall or short or freckled. Nothing against anyone being black or tall or short or freckled, but these aren't choices people make. Trust me, I tried to be straight and I was miserable. If you have a problem with my gay lifestyle, then get to stepping. In fact, if you think it's a "choice", then by all means, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. *grins* Anyway, so this person felt the need to follow up her comments on my posting with an email that seemed to have very little to do with my post, telling me I should be grateful for the things I have and blah, blah, blah. I never said I wasn't thankful. I am thankful. I'm thankful that I am a hard-working individual who goes after what I want. It may take me a while to get where I want to be, but I'll get there...eventually. And it'll be a bumpy ride getting there, but I'll get there. I don't need people in my life who are going to talk shit to me though...If I wanted that, I know of some people to go to...like Phoenix. Bwahahaha!! Just kidding, you know I love you, Phoenix! But I digress...When I wrote back to said whack job, I let loose. No way in hell was I going to let crazy get away with her shit talking and since we weren't in a "public forum" anymore, I seriously laid into her. How dare she say I chose my lifestyle! Perhaps I was a little mean...Well, not mean...More like honest. I didn't stoop to her level and talk mad shit like I could've. (And all the things I wrote, I would've said to her face.) After saying I was done with the conversation and that I was happy for us to just go our separate ways, she wrote back saying that I was being hateful and that I've changed so much that I'm barely recognizable. Ummm...No, I don't agree with that. I didn't write back. And of course, in a true act of maturity, she unfriended me and blocked me. Ahhh...Facebook, I love you. Only in cyber space can people actually click a button to unfriend someone and then block them from having further contact with you. *shrugs* Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
It made me laugh though that she had the balls (Remember, everyone is bad ass behind their keyboard!) to say I've changed so much. I haven't changed that much...I'm still the same sarcastic bitch I've always been...Only now, I don't let people walk over me and for the first time in my life, despite all the bumps and bruises and setbacks, I'm happy. I love my girlfriend. I love my house. I love my new truck. I don't love all the bullshit that goes on around me and I don't love that my job exposes me to jerks daily, but I love that my job allows me to make good money and has great benefits. So yeah, apparently, because I'm not that scared little teenager that helped people whenever possible and then let them treat her like shit, I'm now a hateful person. Whatever. *rolls eyes* I am better off now than I ever have been before and I don't need dumbass people trying to hold me back. Misery loves company...And to that, I say, go find company somewhere else.
Of course, I am not above stooping a little to someone's level...When I found that she hadn't deleted Phoenix, I got on Phoenix's page and posted this picture:
Then I unfriended her and blocked her. I know, I know...So immature, but Phoenix wanted to unfriend and block her anyway, so I was helping. *laughs wildly* C'mon, she had it coming!! It's funny though, because she's friends with my mom and sister and the picture was immediately taken down. Some people just can't take a joke...Bwahahahaha!
Anyway, so the point of this blog is not to show that sometimes I can be goaded into an argument, no matter how immature, but to say maybe just because you have an opinion, doesn't mean that you need to share it. I read all sorts of posts from people I care about, but which sometimes make me think, "Are you fucking kidding me with this?" or "Dude, pull your head out of your ass!" or "You're such a bitch sometimes!" (Hahaha...I first typed "Butch" instead of "Bitch". That would take on a whole new meaning. lol) I don't say these things though because they are passing thoughts and it wouldn't be nice. Sure, I'll talk smack like anyone else I know, but sometimes, it's okay to keep your opinion to yourself...Especially since I guarantee that you don't want me to share all my opinions with you. Well, some of you would like that, but others, not so much. Just remember folks, opinions are like assholes-- everyone's got one.
