So, I went in yesterday for my ultrasound. I was totally freaked out about it and I probably shouldn't have gone to work at all yesterday because I was in no mood at all to deal with people. It was a VERY rough morning. I actually sort of laid into some guy who was being a dick for no reason. I mean, like if you are a jackass with a good reason, then I get it, but don't call in and start being an asshole for no reason. This guy calls in and right from the get go he's pissed because I have to ask him a security question to get into his account. Well, when he gives me his phone number, it doesn't match what we have, so I say, "Could it be a different number?" He starts going off on me. Finally, he answers a different question, but he demands I tell him the number we have. Unfortunately, we can only verify that sort of stuff and cannot release it. Hello, that's how fraudsters get half their info. I've actually listened to calls with fraudsters calling in pretending to be card holders and they're good. They trick people into giving out info and because of that, we just can't release anything. But I digress...So, I tell him, "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you. We can only verify. I can fix it though so we have the right info, but I can't tell you what it said." Lots of people get pissed about this, but they don't get why we can't tell them. I'm sure 99% percent of the people I talk to are really who they say they are, but it only takes one, right? Mr. Jackass starts going off on me again, telling me I'm a moron and that he DEMANDS that I give him that info. Oh, well, since you demanded, by all means, let me break the rules for you...Ummm...no. I tell him, "I can't." We went round and round for a while, until people on my team are like, "Uh oh..." I was getting very frustrated and my old cubie, Texas, was warning everyone that I was likely to toss my mouse at any moment. I'll admit I've tossed my mouse a few times when people piss me off. Anyway, as he keeps going on and on, I finally cut him off and say, "Look, it's against the rules. I cannot tell you this information. If I could, I would. This is a recorded call and if I told you, I would lose my job. I am not losing my job to tell you the phone number we have on file!" He asked for my supervisor...*shrugs* Whatever. My team leader took the call and the guy told him that I had been aggravating him. Apparently, my team leader aggravated him too because he hung up on my boss. lol I usually try to remain calm, but I lost it. After that, I didn't really recover. Luckily, I got off work early and came home to hide out for a while...
I went to my ultrasound and part of me was relieved to just go get it done, but another part of me was freaked out. Of course, luck had it that it was a man who was doing it, but he was super nice. I will say that he helped keep me calm when I really just wanted to lose it in the beginning. He explained everything and before we got started, he talked to me about why I was there and I explained I had a period of Biblical proportions (Not in those words) and he said that all kinds of women get fibroids that can cause bleeding and it's almost sort of normal. I felt a little better. He started the ultrasound by just pushing down on the outside of me and then he excused me to go use the bathroom, which was great. When I came back, we got down to business, which wasn't all that bad...I mean, it wasn't enjoyable, but it was better than a sharp stick in my eye. (And really, how bad would something have to be to say that a sharp stick in the eye would be the better option?) A female nurse came in, I guess to make sure everything was all right, but I sort of laughed when he said she was our chaperone. It just struck me as funny...Perhaps because I was so uncomfortable by the entire situation. Anyway, so he starts and he would move the wand and then click a button on the computer to snap a picture and this is how it went-- move, click, move, click, move, click...This went on for a couple of minutes and then suddenly the wand stopped. I looked at the screen trying to figure out what changed. There was something on there, but unfortunately, I studied English, which qualifies me to...umm...perhaps it qualifies me to write this blog, but probably little else. So then I look at him and he angled the wand a different way and then he clicks. And then he starts typing in random shit that means nothing to me and he highlights something on the screen and then types more. What the fuck is it? Some little voice in the back of my head whispers one words..."Cancer." Fuck you, voice, I think angrily as I look back at the screen. He clicks a few more times in the same area, barely moving the wand and suddenly I am picturing a cancerous tumor the size of a softball in my uterus. Like angry little cancerous cells flipping off the wand as he snaps pictures. I am instantly convinced that my female parts are turning against me and I am dying...I guess we're all dying, right? One day at a time, we're all moving towards death...But I am convinced mine is being rapidly sped up. I am wishing I had never smoked. (And no, for those of you wondering...I did not smoke out of my vagina. A friend asked this the other day and it made me laugh so hard. I really needed it.) I am wondering if rough sex can cause cancer. Who knows? (And no, that was by no means any sort of admission about my sexual activities or lack there of!) But at that moment I am thinking maybe it can. I am wondering if I wore the wrong underwear. Maybe wearing all those flannel shirts and listening to alternative/grunge rock during the 90s caused it. Who the hell knows? But I just know something I did caused this and I'm dying. I'm 32 and I'm dying.
What was worse was that the guy stopped talking! He had been chatting along the way and then nothing! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT!? Of course I don't even bother to ask him because I know they aren't allowed to say anything unless it's immediately life threatening and then they are probably like, "Go straight to the hospital. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Oh wait...Stop at the front desk and pay, and then go to the hospital." *grins* Anyway, so I laid there on the little bed waiting for it to be over and trying not to cry because I was irrationally scared. Finally, the guy was done and let me get dressed. He met me in the hall to walk me out where he patted my shoulder and said, "Best of luck to you." Best of luck to me? What the fuck am I--Dead Woman Walking? BEST OF LUCK!? WHAT DID HE SEE IN THERE!? Was the Devil hanging out in my vagina? Is it a fibroid? Is it cancer? WHAT IS IT!?
When I told my mom and Phoenix about this, they both insinuated that I have a wild imagination. Well duh! This is why I shouldn't have to have these types of tests that take time. I want instant answers because otherwise my mind goes wild. I just want to know what's going on so I can stop thinking my vag is trying to kill me...No one likes a killer vag...So, please keep your fingers crossed and all that until I find something out. I know that it's hard to write like that, so if you mentally cross them, I'd be okay with that. *grins* All right...I have to head to bed. Four in the morning sure comes early...I've turned into an old lady. Peace out until next time...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
The correct number was 42...
So, I should probably be upstairs in my room cleaning out my closet because there are random odds and ends on the floor in there that need to be picked up since I am requesting someone from my home warranty company to come check out my AC, which is partly in the attic and, of course, the attic access is in my closet. *rolls eyes* Instead, I'm sitting here in front of my laptop, a fan blowing cool air through my short hair, and blasting some Adele. *grins* I love this song...
I wish I could sing like Adele...I'd sing 24/7. Who the hell are we kidding? I sing anyway. Who cares if I can't carry a tune in a bucket? Not I!
This isn't the point of the blog...Nope, I wanted to keep everyone in the loop. I had blood work done last week when I went to see the gyno or, as my mom calls them, the Vagina Doctor. No word yet regarding the blood work, but the doctor is making me go get a pelvic ultrasound. This does not sound like fun to me...like at all. I called to schedule it today and they're getting me in tomorrow and the lady says, "Oh! There's one instruction I have to give you. You need to drink 32 ounces of water before you come in and finish that by 1:30 because your appointment is at 2:30. It takes one hour for water to travel from your lips to your bladder and you need to have a full bladder." Say what!? It's not my bladder bleeding! Do they want me to pee on them? Are they into golden showers? If so, there are people who will do that willingly for them...They're are probably even places you can go to get that done...Not that I know, but I assume. Like isn't it enough that I have to be degraded enough to have them put that thing in me, but now they want me to have to pee at the same time? There's something not right about the medical profession...
Speaking of which, the first thing the doctor told me when I saw her was that I need to lose weight because being overweight can cause irregular periods. Okay, I get it, but it's not like I woke up one morning obese. "Good morning, honey--OH SHIT! YOU'RE FAT!" I mean, come on...My weight, despite being overweight, has been a pretty constant number for a while now. Of course though, that's their go-to thing. Then she starts telling me about birth control options. Hi, I'm a lesbian. I shouldn't need to think about birth control options. I practice the ultimate birth control--Sex with another woman. *grins* Apparently, birth control can regulate my periods...Great, but this isn't a normal occurrence. I mean, I don't want them to find anything, but there's got to be something that's causing it. By the way, the correct number was 42. For 42 days I had my period. I believe this makes my period something for the record books. That's bleeding of Biblical proportions! God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights to cleanse the earth...And I bled for 42 days and 42 nights to cleanse my Vag. *laughs* Oh man...I'm going to hell for sure. And before that, Phoenix is going to smack me for comparing myself to God. *ducks to avoid lightning bolt from the sky* C'mon, God has got to have a sense of humor...
So yeah, for now, the bleeding has stopped and tomorrow I get to be violated by a stranger while I have to pee. Life is s-uh-weet! In the midst of all this sweetness going on, I am still a little concerned. I mean, the doc and everyone else seems to think bleeding for 6 weeks of my life is all right, but I'm not so sure. I'm a little more worried now because I don't know what's going on. I don't know if on some level I'm freaking myself out and making myself a nervous wreck, which is causing me stomach pains and other issues...Or if I truly had food poisoning from Black Angus when I went out to dinner on Friday night...Or if these are new symptom of what's going on. I get hungry, but when I eat, my stomach hurts and I can't eat much. It could be nerves. I could be freaking myself about this and not paying attention to it because I'm concerned with my performance at work and despite all the sales I've had so far this month, my boss is still looking for more. Before I started this team, I struggled to hit my goal of 100 points in sales a month. Then this guy is like, "I want you to hit two hundred." I laughed, but he wasn't kidding. So, last month I hit 267 points. This month, I'm already at 280 points and it's barely the 12th. *rolls eyes* Yes, it's nice for the extra dough, but it's stressing me out...And I'm sleeping like shit...And...well, I guess you all get it. I just want to know why my body is rebelling against me. I need things to function normally again.
On a side note, the two girls we've had for nearly the last year are transitioning back home to their dad. They leave tomorrow night for a week long visit. They'll come back next Wednesday night to stay for one night before going back again. I don't know who comes up with this, but whatever...I'm not sad to see them go...I didn't grow attached. And as though to encourage me not to miss them, tonight after dinner, little Hurricane was sitting at the table eating a leftover piece of birthday cake and apparently peed. And I'm talking like flooded. She's mostly potty trained, but must've thought it'd be cool to pee on the chair. She peed through her pull-up, her shorts, onto her booster seat, onto the actual chair, and created a puddle under her chair. Of course, cleaning up pee off my kitchen floor is EXACTLY what I like to do after dinner. My kitchen floor has now been swept and mopped and the chair was taken outside and sprayed down by the hose. Yup...Kids...Someone has to love them.
Okay, enough procrastinating....Time to head upstairs and clean before bed. But one more song before I go...I love this song...
Anyway, wish me luck...Say prayers...Think happy thoughts...I hope everything turns out okay. I'd feel better if I could shake this nearly overwhelming sense of doom. So, on that note...Peace out. I'll keep you all posted about how my ultrasound goes...I still want to know what sick bastard thought, "Hey! Let's make the girls come in with full bladders!! That'll make it better!" Fucking morons...*shakes head*
I wish I could sing like Adele...I'd sing 24/7. Who the hell are we kidding? I sing anyway. Who cares if I can't carry a tune in a bucket? Not I!
This isn't the point of the blog...Nope, I wanted to keep everyone in the loop. I had blood work done last week when I went to see the gyno or, as my mom calls them, the Vagina Doctor. No word yet regarding the blood work, but the doctor is making me go get a pelvic ultrasound. This does not sound like fun to me...like at all. I called to schedule it today and they're getting me in tomorrow and the lady says, "Oh! There's one instruction I have to give you. You need to drink 32 ounces of water before you come in and finish that by 1:30 because your appointment is at 2:30. It takes one hour for water to travel from your lips to your bladder and you need to have a full bladder." Say what!? It's not my bladder bleeding! Do they want me to pee on them? Are they into golden showers? If so, there are people who will do that willingly for them...They're are probably even places you can go to get that done...Not that I know, but I assume. Like isn't it enough that I have to be degraded enough to have them put that thing in me, but now they want me to have to pee at the same time? There's something not right about the medical profession...
Speaking of which, the first thing the doctor told me when I saw her was that I need to lose weight because being overweight can cause irregular periods. Okay, I get it, but it's not like I woke up one morning obese. "Good morning, honey--OH SHIT! YOU'RE FAT!" I mean, come on...My weight, despite being overweight, has been a pretty constant number for a while now. Of course though, that's their go-to thing. Then she starts telling me about birth control options. Hi, I'm a lesbian. I shouldn't need to think about birth control options. I practice the ultimate birth control--Sex with another woman. *grins* Apparently, birth control can regulate my periods...Great, but this isn't a normal occurrence. I mean, I don't want them to find anything, but there's got to be something that's causing it. By the way, the correct number was 42. For 42 days I had my period. I believe this makes my period something for the record books. That's bleeding of Biblical proportions! God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights to cleanse the earth...And I bled for 42 days and 42 nights to cleanse my Vag. *laughs* Oh man...I'm going to hell for sure. And before that, Phoenix is going to smack me for comparing myself to God. *ducks to avoid lightning bolt from the sky* C'mon, God has got to have a sense of humor...
So yeah, for now, the bleeding has stopped and tomorrow I get to be violated by a stranger while I have to pee. Life is s-uh-weet! In the midst of all this sweetness going on, I am still a little concerned. I mean, the doc and everyone else seems to think bleeding for 6 weeks of my life is all right, but I'm not so sure. I'm a little more worried now because I don't know what's going on. I don't know if on some level I'm freaking myself out and making myself a nervous wreck, which is causing me stomach pains and other issues...Or if I truly had food poisoning from Black Angus when I went out to dinner on Friday night...Or if these are new symptom of what's going on. I get hungry, but when I eat, my stomach hurts and I can't eat much. It could be nerves. I could be freaking myself about this and not paying attention to it because I'm concerned with my performance at work and despite all the sales I've had so far this month, my boss is still looking for more. Before I started this team, I struggled to hit my goal of 100 points in sales a month. Then this guy is like, "I want you to hit two hundred." I laughed, but he wasn't kidding. So, last month I hit 267 points. This month, I'm already at 280 points and it's barely the 12th. *rolls eyes* Yes, it's nice for the extra dough, but it's stressing me out...And I'm sleeping like shit...And...well, I guess you all get it. I just want to know why my body is rebelling against me. I need things to function normally again.
On a side note, the two girls we've had for nearly the last year are transitioning back home to their dad. They leave tomorrow night for a week long visit. They'll come back next Wednesday night to stay for one night before going back again. I don't know who comes up with this, but whatever...I'm not sad to see them go...I didn't grow attached. And as though to encourage me not to miss them, tonight after dinner, little Hurricane was sitting at the table eating a leftover piece of birthday cake and apparently peed. And I'm talking like flooded. She's mostly potty trained, but must've thought it'd be cool to pee on the chair. She peed through her pull-up, her shorts, onto her booster seat, onto the actual chair, and created a puddle under her chair. Of course, cleaning up pee off my kitchen floor is EXACTLY what I like to do after dinner. My kitchen floor has now been swept and mopped and the chair was taken outside and sprayed down by the hose. Yup...Kids...Someone has to love them.
Okay, enough procrastinating....Time to head upstairs and clean before bed. But one more song before I go...I love this song...
Anyway, wish me luck...Say prayers...Think happy thoughts...I hope everything turns out okay. I'd feel better if I could shake this nearly overwhelming sense of doom. So, on that note...Peace out. I'll keep you all posted about how my ultrasound goes...I still want to know what sick bastard thought, "Hey! Let's make the girls come in with full bladders!! That'll make it better!" Fucking morons...*shakes head*
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Everything is all right until it's not...
It's been a while again and I've been meaning to blog, but things get in the way...like playing World of Warcraft, watching Doctor Who (I LOVE LOVE LOVE that show!), and well, life, I suppose. I guess I shouldn't let those things get in the way, but they always seem to. I haven't been writing like at all lately. There's just so much going on that I don't know where to start...I guess we'll have to start at the beginning...
Not so long ago, in a little hospital in California, a young girl of only 17 gave birth to the cutest little red headed girl with hazel eyes that has ever lived...No, I'm not talking about Emma Stone, you ass monkey! It's me! I'm not even sure she has hazel eyes...But I digress. Okay, let's get into this and we'll go from there. So, at work they did a shift bid. I was super stressed about it because 1) I'm not a rock star at my job so I didn't have the greatest numbers in the world and 2) I was scared to get a different boss. We all get comfy where we are and it's scary to go to someone else. Like I can't stand bosses who micromanage. Let me do my thing and leave me alone, you know? Needless to say, this was literally causing me sleepless nights and headaches. What this also caused, and this is not for the faint of heart, so if you're a dude, you may not want to keep reading, a missed period. I'm gay though and missed periods don't really worry me that much. It happens sometimes. If you're straight you worry because you're like, "Oh shit! Am I preggers???" I don't have that concern...Unless Phoenix needs to tell me something...*shifty eyes* But seriously, I was stressed and then to add to the stress, we got another kid. A one year old baby who loves screaming over everything and anything. He's adorable when he's happy and smiling, but he's the devil when he's screaming. Like he will just scream and scream and scream until you're pretty sure you're going to lose your mind...Or maybe that's just how I feel. It's hard though. It's hard to like the little guy when he just screams and nothing will make him happy. *sigh* Seriously, I sometimes question my sanity for taking on all these kids with Phoenix (Not in a bad way, but it's hard, you know? I mean, these are kids someone else screwed up and we're trying to make it better somehow.). Although, she usually makes me question my sanity for a variety of reasons, so this shouldn't surprise me either. lol
So, yeah, there I am...New kid, plus the two girls who are still slowly transitioning to going back to their dad (Any day now! *fingers crossed*), going to a new team at work, and WHAM! My period shows up. Thanks for showing up, Aunt Flo! The problem is, she hasn't left. I started sometime around the 27 or 28 of April. Go ahead and look at a calendar and you'll see the problem. I spent the entire month of May bleeding to death slowly...Okay, maybe not to death...not yet, anyway. And I swear I'm not a zombie. *"Brains! Brains!" drags one foot and walks with arms out* But it won't stop. At first, I thought, "Oh, well, I missed one and maybe it's going to be a little longer than usual." But then two weeks became three and I was like, "This is bullshit." Then three became four and I was a little worried. Then it stopped for a day and I cheered! YES! Finally! And then it started the very next day again. Finally, after much encouragement from nearly everyone I know, I went to the doctor. I had tried not to think of the bad things it could be, but then I went to the doctor and the nurse's jaw dropped when I said, "I've been on my period for almost 5 weeks." She looked concerned. She asked, "Was it okay before? Is this the first time this has happened?" I said, "Yes, it's been fine. But isn't that the way it goes--Everything is all right until it's not?" Then the doctor came in and when I told her that, she said, "That's not good!" She then launched into a list of things that could be causing the bleeding...The list included cysts (not good), early on-set menopause (Are you fucking kidding me?), cancer (WTF?), etc...So, of these, cysts is the one I'm rooting for. My doctor didn't do anything for me. She said, "You need to see a gyno and soon!" Seriously? That's all you've got, doc? What the fuck?
I drove home, trying not to worry about the things it could be and made an appointment with a gyno, which I go to tomorrow. (It's been like 38 days now. I'm so over Aunt Flo. This bitch needs to go!) I have spent the last week trying not to freak out, but even the gyno's receptionist was like, "You've been on it how long? Oh honey, that's not okay!" I'm trying to be brave, I swear I am, but it's hard. It could be something really stupid and I'll get fixed right up. But at this point in time, I'm so tired. I'm not just like sick of the whole situation, but I am exhausted. I feel so worn out and I go to work and people call in and are like, "I can't believe you charged me interest! I should cancel my card!" And I just want to be, "I'm slowly bleeding to death, you fucking asshole! Cancel your account! I don't give a fuck!" Of course, I don't say those things, but I just sit there thinking, "Why are you screaming at me over $2? Seriously, there are worse things going on." But these people don't get it. They're so unhappy with everything and they want to take it out on me and all I can do is sit there and try to help them and ignore that little voice in the back of my head...The one that whispers to me when I'm alone..."You know, it might be cancer. Cigarettes cause all kinds of cancers." And I try to shush the voice, but it creeps back, "Signs of uterine cancer include bleeding." If you're wondering, there's a few types of cancer that can cause bleeding like I've had.
On a side note, I had to fill out a bunch of crap for the gyno and check out this question...
Dude, wtf? I mean, really?
And how about this one--
How did they know I was an accident!? My mom thinks they're asking if I was in an accident at any time, but I'm not so sure about that...It asked right after the adoption question! C'mon, that's a loaded question right there!!
But anyway, it's really hard to stay brave and to think happy thoughts when you're friends keep asking if you're okay and they look concerned. I mean, if it's nothing, then no one should be concerned, right? I'm probably just going through menopause at the ripe old age of 32. I mean, that's normal, right? WRONG! It's not normal! It's not normal to bleed like this for 5 1/2 weeks! It picked up over the weekend and now it's all I can do to keep it from getting everywhere. I know, it's graphic and I'm sorry, but this fucking sucks. I feel like I should be running around wearing Depends or something. And I have to go to work where I'm tied to a phone all day and they are watching everyone's every move, so I'm afraid to go to the bathroom, but I have to go constantly to make sure everything is still in control. I feel like I'm barely holding on here...I'm about to freaking snap.
I've heard people joke before that you should be afraid of something that bleeds for a week and doesn't die. Well, with that thought, you should definitely fear something that bleeds for 5 1/2 weeks and doesn't die. And I'm sure eventually the bleeding will have to stop because eventually I'll run out of blood, right? *ba-da-bum-chhhh* Seriously though, the whole thing is scary. I know someone who currently has cancer and she's like, "It's going to be okay." She's brave, man. She's a single mom with two kids battling cancer. And here I am, sniveling about excessive bleeding. I really am a wussy, aren't I?
The real problem here is my head. Everything is far scarier in my head than it is in real life. I mean, it's like, I read a Stephen King book and it scares the crap out of me, but then I see the movie and I find myself thinking that the monsters in my head are way scarier. I'm sure that's what's going to happen with this whole thing. And worrying about it in the meantime won't change anything...I know that...But knowing that doesn't make me stop worrying. It's in my nature. I already have it in my head that if it's something really bad, I'm okay with them doing a hysterectomy. If it'll make this stop, then I'm okay with that. But this has to stop because I can't keep going on this way. And I hate to admit it, but I'm scared. Phoenix keeps telling me it'll be fine, but I suspect she's telling me that because she refuses to think otherwise. So, please, everyone, just keep your fingers crossed, say prayers, think happy thoughts for me. I am too young to go and I have too much left to do...
And I feel bad for all you coming here expecting a funny blog...So, let me tell you a very quick, short story. The other day, Phoenix was sitting on the couch watching TV with the baby (We'll call him Chuck) and Hurricane. She was talking crap to me as I was walking up the stairs and I made a smart ass remark back (as this is how we communicate in our relationship). She comes back and says something with the word fuck in it, but because the kids are there, she says, "Fush" or something, right? Hurricane, who is engrossed in watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, looks at her and says, "Fuck". Phoenix looked over at her and was like, "What?" She repeated it, "Fuck" and went back to watching Mickey. I started laughing, "Yeah, I think she was correcting you." The kid is three years old and correcting adults on their usage of curse words. Haha! Love it!
Not so long ago, in a little hospital in California, a young girl of only 17 gave birth to the cutest little red headed girl with hazel eyes that has ever lived...No, I'm not talking about Emma Stone, you ass monkey! It's me! I'm not even sure she has hazel eyes...But I digress. Okay, let's get into this and we'll go from there. So, at work they did a shift bid. I was super stressed about it because 1) I'm not a rock star at my job so I didn't have the greatest numbers in the world and 2) I was scared to get a different boss. We all get comfy where we are and it's scary to go to someone else. Like I can't stand bosses who micromanage. Let me do my thing and leave me alone, you know? Needless to say, this was literally causing me sleepless nights and headaches. What this also caused, and this is not for the faint of heart, so if you're a dude, you may not want to keep reading, a missed period. I'm gay though and missed periods don't really worry me that much. It happens sometimes. If you're straight you worry because you're like, "Oh shit! Am I preggers???" I don't have that concern...Unless Phoenix needs to tell me something...*shifty eyes* But seriously, I was stressed and then to add to the stress, we got another kid. A one year old baby who loves screaming over everything and anything. He's adorable when he's happy and smiling, but he's the devil when he's screaming. Like he will just scream and scream and scream until you're pretty sure you're going to lose your mind...Or maybe that's just how I feel. It's hard though. It's hard to like the little guy when he just screams and nothing will make him happy. *sigh* Seriously, I sometimes question my sanity for taking on all these kids with Phoenix (Not in a bad way, but it's hard, you know? I mean, these are kids someone else screwed up and we're trying to make it better somehow.). Although, she usually makes me question my sanity for a variety of reasons, so this shouldn't surprise me either. lol
So, yeah, there I am...New kid, plus the two girls who are still slowly transitioning to going back to their dad (Any day now! *fingers crossed*), going to a new team at work, and WHAM! My period shows up. Thanks for showing up, Aunt Flo! The problem is, she hasn't left. I started sometime around the 27 or 28 of April. Go ahead and look at a calendar and you'll see the problem. I spent the entire month of May bleeding to death slowly...Okay, maybe not to death...not yet, anyway. And I swear I'm not a zombie. *"Brains! Brains!" drags one foot and walks with arms out* But it won't stop. At first, I thought, "Oh, well, I missed one and maybe it's going to be a little longer than usual." But then two weeks became three and I was like, "This is bullshit." Then three became four and I was a little worried. Then it stopped for a day and I cheered! YES! Finally! And then it started the very next day again. Finally, after much encouragement from nearly everyone I know, I went to the doctor. I had tried not to think of the bad things it could be, but then I went to the doctor and the nurse's jaw dropped when I said, "I've been on my period for almost 5 weeks." She looked concerned. She asked, "Was it okay before? Is this the first time this has happened?" I said, "Yes, it's been fine. But isn't that the way it goes--Everything is all right until it's not?" Then the doctor came in and when I told her that, she said, "That's not good!" She then launched into a list of things that could be causing the bleeding...The list included cysts (not good), early on-set menopause (Are you fucking kidding me?), cancer (WTF?), etc...So, of these, cysts is the one I'm rooting for. My doctor didn't do anything for me. She said, "You need to see a gyno and soon!" Seriously? That's all you've got, doc? What the fuck?
I drove home, trying not to worry about the things it could be and made an appointment with a gyno, which I go to tomorrow. (It's been like 38 days now. I'm so over Aunt Flo. This bitch needs to go!) I have spent the last week trying not to freak out, but even the gyno's receptionist was like, "You've been on it how long? Oh honey, that's not okay!" I'm trying to be brave, I swear I am, but it's hard. It could be something really stupid and I'll get fixed right up. But at this point in time, I'm so tired. I'm not just like sick of the whole situation, but I am exhausted. I feel so worn out and I go to work and people call in and are like, "I can't believe you charged me interest! I should cancel my card!" And I just want to be, "I'm slowly bleeding to death, you fucking asshole! Cancel your account! I don't give a fuck!" Of course, I don't say those things, but I just sit there thinking, "Why are you screaming at me over $2? Seriously, there are worse things going on." But these people don't get it. They're so unhappy with everything and they want to take it out on me and all I can do is sit there and try to help them and ignore that little voice in the back of my head...The one that whispers to me when I'm alone..."You know, it might be cancer. Cigarettes cause all kinds of cancers." And I try to shush the voice, but it creeps back, "Signs of uterine cancer include bleeding." If you're wondering, there's a few types of cancer that can cause bleeding like I've had.
On a side note, I had to fill out a bunch of crap for the gyno and check out this question...
Dude, wtf? I mean, really?
And how about this one--
How did they know I was an accident!? My mom thinks they're asking if I was in an accident at any time, but I'm not so sure about that...It asked right after the adoption question! C'mon, that's a loaded question right there!!
But anyway, it's really hard to stay brave and to think happy thoughts when you're friends keep asking if you're okay and they look concerned. I mean, if it's nothing, then no one should be concerned, right? I'm probably just going through menopause at the ripe old age of 32. I mean, that's normal, right? WRONG! It's not normal! It's not normal to bleed like this for 5 1/2 weeks! It picked up over the weekend and now it's all I can do to keep it from getting everywhere. I know, it's graphic and I'm sorry, but this fucking sucks. I feel like I should be running around wearing Depends or something. And I have to go to work where I'm tied to a phone all day and they are watching everyone's every move, so I'm afraid to go to the bathroom, but I have to go constantly to make sure everything is still in control. I feel like I'm barely holding on here...I'm about to freaking snap.
I've heard people joke before that you should be afraid of something that bleeds for a week and doesn't die. Well, with that thought, you should definitely fear something that bleeds for 5 1/2 weeks and doesn't die. And I'm sure eventually the bleeding will have to stop because eventually I'll run out of blood, right? *ba-da-bum-chhhh* Seriously though, the whole thing is scary. I know someone who currently has cancer and she's like, "It's going to be okay." She's brave, man. She's a single mom with two kids battling cancer. And here I am, sniveling about excessive bleeding. I really am a wussy, aren't I?
The real problem here is my head. Everything is far scarier in my head than it is in real life. I mean, it's like, I read a Stephen King book and it scares the crap out of me, but then I see the movie and I find myself thinking that the monsters in my head are way scarier. I'm sure that's what's going to happen with this whole thing. And worrying about it in the meantime won't change anything...I know that...But knowing that doesn't make me stop worrying. It's in my nature. I already have it in my head that if it's something really bad, I'm okay with them doing a hysterectomy. If it'll make this stop, then I'm okay with that. But this has to stop because I can't keep going on this way. And I hate to admit it, but I'm scared. Phoenix keeps telling me it'll be fine, but I suspect she's telling me that because she refuses to think otherwise. So, please, everyone, just keep your fingers crossed, say prayers, think happy thoughts for me. I am too young to go and I have too much left to do...
And I feel bad for all you coming here expecting a funny blog...So, let me tell you a very quick, short story. The other day, Phoenix was sitting on the couch watching TV with the baby (We'll call him Chuck) and Hurricane. She was talking crap to me as I was walking up the stairs and I made a smart ass remark back (as this is how we communicate in our relationship). She comes back and says something with the word fuck in it, but because the kids are there, she says, "Fush" or something, right? Hurricane, who is engrossed in watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, looks at her and says, "Fuck". Phoenix looked over at her and was like, "What?" She repeated it, "Fuck" and went back to watching Mickey. I started laughing, "Yeah, I think she was correcting you." The kid is three years old and correcting adults on their usage of curse words. Haha! Love it!
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