The things we do for love...

This morning, after laying in bed for over an hour discussing how we failed to get our asses out of bed to either go hiking or even to church or, well, anything, and after spending another thirty or so minutes trying to decide what we should do today (She suggested the zoo, but I reminded her that it's hot here...We were looking for "adventure". Yeah, that's my word. She said, "exciting". Whatever.), she checked her phone only to see she had two missed calls from her sister's house. As soon as we saw this, she remembered that her six-year-old nephew had wanted to spend the night on Saturday night...Yup, we totally forgot. Phoenix then said, "Maybe we should do something with him...Like take him to lunch or something." I agreed. She called and made a huge mistake. Here's the conversation:


Phoenix- "Do you want to go do something with me and Heather today?"
Nephew- "Yes."
Phoenix- "What do you want to do?" (I wouldn't have asked this...He could've said ANYTHING!)
Nephew- "We could go to lunch." (Whew! Close call.)
Phoenix- "Where do you want to go?" (NEVER ASK A KID THIS!)
Nephew- "Peter Piper Pizza!!!"


What the hell!? Peter Piper Pizza on a Sunday afternoon!? NO FREAKIN' WAY! Oh yeah...We did it. And we brought along his four-year-old brother and thirteen-year-old brother too, you know, just for shits and giggles.


Forty-five minutes later, we picked the boys up and headed to Peter Piper to go eat his nasty pizza. You know, they don't have to have good food when their attraction to children is not the fabulous food, but the over-priced arcade games. We walked in the door and were immediately greeted by three billion screaming, laughing, crying, yelling children, a bunch of miserable adults, a 72-year-old man celebrating his birthday, and more birthday balloons than could be found at Balloons-R-Us (If that store even exists...It should though...). After scanning the restaurant and finding one of like two empty tables, we parked the kids and then went to order the over-priced crappy food. As we went to order, Phoenix pointed out a family who was taking a picture together in front of the ball pit. Who takes a family picture in front of the ball pit!? I wonder if that will be their Christmas card picture this year...


We survived the crappy, too-much sauce, greasy pizza and the highway-robbery arcade games. I am a little pissed though that as I was playing a racing game that reset itself and ended my game...I mean, I put the two tokens in there and expected to be able to play my game, you know? But I digress...(stupid game!) So, in the end, we had over five hundred tickets for the two youngest boys to split. Peter Piper was out of most of the prizes they offered. It's nice when you're all, "We want a Jeep, a whoopee cushion, and over-sized glasses" only to hear the dumb blonde girl say, "Oh. We're out. Of all of that." *rolls eyes* We left with vampire teeth, various small pieces of candy, two giant pixie sticks, Chinese handcuffs, two heart slinkies, and this annoying "gun" that shot out a clamp which you could pick stuff up with. I say "annoying" because as I circled the parking lot at Sam's Club while waiting for Phoenix to run in and grab some Willy Wonka candy that they were out of, her nephew (the oldest one) proceeded to attempt to grab my glasses off my face. This makes driving interesting, let me tell you...Plus, there's nothing quite like being in the car with a whiny four-year old, a six year old telling me which song I should choose on the iPod, and fending off the clamp-gun from the thirteen year old...Good times. As we drove back to drop the boys off, I told Phoenix, "The things I do for love..." She laughed at me...I'm serious though.


I also decided today, as we were wandering through the over-crowded place that we will have well-behaved, clean children who will not throw food on the floor, spill soda all over restaurants, and who will refrain from running into people or trying to take tickets from other people's games. And I'm also hoping that our kids won't like crappy pizza. Perhaps they'll even share their tickets with me and let me get my own pair of vampire teeth...Ehh, a girl can dream, can't she?

The REAL Drag Queen Blog...

All right folks, I think I have found a way around the problems I was having. See, I was trying to post the pictures in the middle of my blog, similar to how I did it with the pictures of our cat, but for whatever reason, it wouldn't work. After writing my entire blog and posting the pictures to it, which took a lot of time because I had to resize all the pictures, my entire blog came out totally screwed up. Half the pictures were far too large and others were like thumbnail pics. I had no idea what was happening...I decided then to create a slide show...And set it to music. I know, I'm excited too! And you should thank me because originally I had it set to show the pics with The Copacabana playing, but that song is like five minutes long...I found something shorter and a bit more up-beat. So, you're welcome.


There's only a couple of things I'm going to explain because the pictures mostly speak for themselves...One, the old lady spanking the birthday boy...I'm not sure what to say except that close up, well, from a few feet away in the bar, it looked like she was totally an alcoholic partying old woman. I should choose my words wisely since my mom reads this and all, but she had to be at least (How old are you mom?) 47 perhaps going on 48. (I LOVE YOU, MOM!! BWahahaha!!) Seriously, I would've guessed she was in her fifties, but it was obvious she was a heavy drinker...Phoenix and I mused that perhaps this is because the guy she came with, who was dressed as a woman (No, I couldn't get a picture of him, but picture Ferris Bueller's best friend in a dress, heels, and a shawl.) was really her husband who liked to wear her clothes. (Or perhaps started off wearing her clothes, but she was a couple of sizes bigger than him, so perhaps she'd gained some weight...) She was a weirdo and so excited to be spanking that gay birthday boy...So weird.


The guy in the red dress...I don't know who he is. He was there the last time we went and I think he might've been sporting the same dress, but I don't know for sure. I swear that it looks, to me at least, like he gets home from work (And I suspect his job is something mundane like an accountant or IT Guy or lion trainer...Okay, probably not lion trainer...He's far too small and unassuming to be that!) and says to himself, "I'm going to wear a lady's clothes tonight!! And heels!" And then he puts on his red dress and his white high heels. (I know, I want to tell him, "Sweetheart, go buy yourself a pair of red heels or even black...But let's lose the white ones. They're tacky.) His curly-ish hair is not a wig as Phoenix assumed, but his own hair. He's just absolutely adorable to me and I would befriend this guy, you know, if I were the sort of person to go out of my way to make friends, which I'm not because I'm quite content being cynical alone.


Lastly, I want to thank you for not talking smack about the crappy quality of the pictures. It's not easy to take pictures at a bar of people who keep moving around. So, forgive the lack of real quality. And I hope you all enjoy...Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put my head in the oven...No, really. Okay, fine, have it your way. I'm not suicidal, just going to go clean the oven. Oh goody!! I LOVE CLEANING!! (Or so I tell myself...I've yet to actually convince myself or anyone of that false statement.)

Drag Queens at Amsterdams

Please come back later...I'm having issues with the pictures. I think I'm going to post a slide show instead of individuals pictures because it's just not working...Sorry!

I'm going out!!

I'm so excited! Phoenix has decided to stop holding me hostage, well for this evening anyway, and is taking me out for a fun-filled night of drag queens!! WOO HOO!! I love me some men dressed as women! One of the things I'm always tempted to ask is where they buy their shoes...I mean, I wear a woman's 12 1/2 or 13 depending on the shoe (I usually just buy guy's shoes.), so finding "come fuck me boots" is almost unheard of in regular shoe stores. (And you all know what I'm talking about when I say, "Come fuck me boots," so don't play innocent with me.) But I digress...Seriously though, who doesn't just love drag queens? The last time we went it was very cool. I'm excited and I will try to take some pics to share in tomorrow's blog.


On the other hand, if you're looking for some entertainment, you should read this article: Facebookers. I read this and totally laughed because I could name off people in each category. What gets me though are the "Lurkers". These people creep me out. These people are people like Phoenix. She will read what people have to say and NEVER comment. If I take the time to go read people's stuff (usually) I let them know I was there...With comments like, "Hey fruitcake! I stopped by and saw your crap...Your crap isn't funny. Let's work on that, okay?" Okay, not exactly like that, but yeah, usually I'll leave something behind to show I was there. On FB it's super easy because I just click on the "like this" link. I do wish though that there was a "Don't like this" link. So, when people leave happy little things like, "I just won $500 on a scratcher while I was filling up my super-sized SUV with free gas I won just for being cute. Then, when I got home, my super model husband/wife had made me a wonderful dinner and what made it even better was when I found out that my mother was able to sell the old estate for triple the price she was asking, so we're all rich!! My share is a mere $22 million!! I'm having such a wonderful day!" This is the time when I would definitely click on the "Don't like this" link. In fact, if they had a link that read, "I hope someone drops a house on your dumb ass, you wicked, wicked person," I'd click that instead. What was I talking about? *grins* Seriously though...The Lurkers are weird. You would never know that they were on your page until they say stuff like, "Oh, I read that in your blog..." or something similar. Let's not call them Lurkers, but "Stalkers", okay? I suppose not all of them are bad though since Phoenix was a Lurker/Stalker of mine before we actually started talking...And it was only because of the BS that I spew that she decided I was worthy of her time...Or something like that. (I like to think it's my girlish good looks and irresistible personality that reeled her in, even though she says otherwise...)


That's it for me folks. I need to go doll myself up and figure out what I'm going to wear tonight...It's always so hard...Shorts and a polo or shorts and a polo....Decisions, decisions...

Why do people stop caring???

I had a coupon for a free steak dinner at Black Angus for my birthday and today was the last day to use it, so of course Phoenix and I went there for lunch. We chatted as we ate about different things, but here are two topics that were of great interest to us...

First of all, if you are waiting a table and it's like 11:30 AM and not busy at all, why on earth would you need someone to run your food to the table? Our waitress, from what I could see, had like three tables, including us (and one of the tables left a few minutes after we got there and then the last table came in while we were already eating). When the guy came to drop off our food for us, our waitress was right behind him with a pitcher of iced tea to top off our glasses...Obviously, she hadn't been busy, so why the hell was some other guy running our food!? And the dude who was running the food had his own three tables to take care of! WTF!? Phoenix said, "I don't like it when they do that. It affects the tip because what was she doing that was so important that she couldn't be bothered to bring us our food, but could bring out the iced tea?" I agree. It's ridiculous. So, a head's up to all you waiters and waitresses...Unless it's hella busy, take the food out to your customers! 
A few minutes before we left a small family came in. It was the parents and then a little girl of like 3 or 4 and a baby in a carrier who was maybe like 6 months old or something. As we finished our meal, Phoenix asked, "Do you think she looked like that when he fell in love with her and married her?" I refrained from spitting my mouth full of steak across the restaurant and held in my laughter. I looked back at the table and saw that the mom, who I had only barely noticed on the way in, was very plain looking. She was dressed all right, but she had absolutely no make-up on and her curly (almost frizzy) blondish/reddish hair was held back by one of those elastic bands headbands (you know the ones that are like two inches wide). It was obvious that the only thing she'd done since waking up was put on clothes and the headband. The children though were well taken care of. I replied, "Perhaps. Maybe he likes her like that." Phoenix looked unconvinced. I asked, "Why?" She explained that it was as if moms, once they become moms, so often stop caring about their own looks and focus only on the children. (I didn't say ALL moms, so don't kill me, okay?) I stopped to think and realized she's probably right. I know I have seen countless moms out with their children and it's obvious they put effort into the kids, but very little into themselves. Phoenix said, "I don't wear makeup and I don't do much to my hair, so I'll be fine when we have kids..." I think she was basically saying that I'm fucked!! Fear not though, I shall still make time to do my makeup...And most likely my hair too. 

I ask though, faithful readers, why is that??? Is it that some moms stop caring once they have kids because then the focus is the kid and not themselves? Is it because there's just not enough time to get yourself ready and then a child too? In fact, what makes people stop caring anyway? There are all kinds of people who leave the house looking tore up from the floor up. I may not always look fabulous, but I make a point to try to do my hair and makeup before leaving. Phoenix thinks this is annoying. As we talked today I tried to explain that I simply feel that if I'm leaving the house, I want to be "presentable." She thinks I shouldn't care what people think. I disagree. It's not exactly that I care what people think, but people judge everyone immediately by what they are wearing and such. For instance, people are usually nicer to the man in the business suit than the man dressed like a bum, right? I mean, I grew up in a poor family and I would prefer not to act like a poor person. I'm not exactly saying I'm necessarily better than that...but yeah, I am. I just don't want to be associated with being poor. Who're we kidding? Let's call an ace and ace, okay? I don't want people to think I'm white trash (or trailer trash to you smartasses reading this and thinking that). I'm better than that. You know it and so do I. I know I can't be the only person who's like this...Phoenix may think that I am the only person in the world like this, but c'mon, there has to be others...Right?

People amaze me...

So, once again, I am sitting at Barnes and Noble, writing. Wait a second...I've actually been writing. I've been on a roll, which is nice, but I swear I have ADD. I've been all kinds of caught up in my story, but I cannot help but listen to all this crap going on around me. I think this is why I normally listen to music while writing, so I can tune everyone out. (Note to self--bring iPod next time!) Let's talk about these people and their lack of discretion. 


For starters, there's the woman sitting two tables down from me, talking on her phone...And none too quietly. She's sipping her coffee, flipping through some religious books, and gossiping on the phone. She is going on and on about people at her church and how hypocritical and judgmental they are. In the same breath though, she's talking about one guy in church who cheated on his wife, repeatedly, and then still dared to show up in church. Granted, there's something about being adulterous in the Bible, but she's calling him all sorts of names and I can't help but wonder where she gets off acting like that? I'll admit that I wasn't all that into her conversation until she said, "Well, you know Jenny is gay. I can't believe they still let her in church." Whoever she's on the phone with said something and she started backpedaling, "Well, no, I mean, I know she's still a person, but c'mon, you know it's wrong." Then she was completely silent for a moment and then said, "I had no idea you were gay too. I'm sorry." I don't think she was sorry. She then launched into an attack on some other lady. I wonder if she's Christian...I wonder who her god is that he's all right with her talking smack about people...I wonder if he also condones strange tattoos...I'm just sayin'...



Then there's the girl who works here. She was going on and on with a co-worker about how her ex just got in touch with her. "I haven't talked to him in five years!! He's married with two little girls." The other girl was all, "How did he find you?" The first girl, "He called me. I have the same number." Weird that he'd remember her number, but whatever. She launched into a story about how he ended up marrying this girl three months after they broke up...The other girl asked, "Aren't you married?" She quickly said, "Well, yeah, but..." Seriously!? She was insisting that she's happily married and loves her life. The other girl asked, "Then why did you talk to him?" (Thank you other girl!! I was wondering the same thing!) She had no response. What the fuck is wrong with people??? You cannot be "happily married" if you still take calls from your ex for no apparent reason. I know why she took the call. She knows too. She's still not over him! Fucking idiot. 


I ask though...Who has these conversations in public!? I don't get it. Talk about this shit in your car. Talk about it at home. Talk about it in a church confessional, for all I care. But don't talk about this shit where other people can hear you!! It's just...weird...


Okay, enough venting...Back to writing...I need ear plugs!

Taboo...

For some odd reason when we had the chance to get a kitten, I said, "Get the black one." Every black cat I've ever come across has been weird. Taboo is no different. Our cat is totally off the wall. She likes to watch TV...And the fish tank (which we refer to as Food Network for her)...She loves running around, making all kinds of noise--in the middle of the night while we sleep. She hates to be petted, unless you're rough with her. She sleeps in odd positions and often finds weird places to hang out. Let me show you a few pics...


Here's Taboo sleeping on the couch this afternoon.


Seriously...That can't be comfy. 

A little while ago Phoenix was doing laundry. She took the clothes out of the dryer and then went to go clean out the lint filter when she saw this:


Really? A kitty in the dryer? I just don't know what the hell she's thinking. A few weeks ago I was taking a nap when I suddenly heard a loud splash. I was like, "What the hell was that?" I flew out of bed and found the cat running out of the bathroom, shaking off her legs as she went, dripping wet. I flipped on the bathroom light and saw the cat had fallen into the toilet. Apparently her obsession with watching the water go round and round when flushing it had been taken to a new level...Stupid cat. She still plays on the toilet though. 

I guess the strangest thing about her is that she talks back and bitches me out every chance she gets. Seriously, the cat talks back. If she's attacking me and I tell her "NO!" or spray her with the spray bottle, she will walk off meowing at me, but not in a normal way...It's more like grumbling. And sometimes, when she's really mad, she will walk away from me and then stop, turn around, and swat the air at me, meow, and then walk off. I swear she's giving me "the paw"...like her version of the bird. And Phoenix tries to tell me, "She's a sweet kitten!!" Sweet, my ass. She's evil!! 

On a side note, Pheonix thinks the cat is mean to me because I once told Taboo, "Your mother was an alley cat!! And she only had a one night stand with your daddy! She didn't even know his name!" I wasn't telling lies!! I guess that wasn't a good bedtime story for the kitten though...C'mon, she didn't understand...did she?  

Barnes and Noble...

I came to Barnes and Noble today with the intention of writing...which, yes, I am doing now as I type this blog, but I came to work on a story. Instead, I find myself completely distracted by the clientele of B&N...Well, that and the Starbucks, where I'm sitting right now. I don't know why I didn't start coming here sooner to write; people are fascinating creatures...

When I arrived a little while ago, I first walked through B&N to look for books. I saw that Dean Koontz finally published the third installment of his Frankenstein series. It seriously took years for him to write that book? It's not even that thick! I could totally read it in a day. Yeah, I didn't buy it. I've waited years for it, so what's another few days? I ended up with a Stephen King book called, On Writing. I've been wanting to read it for sometime, but never bought it. As I went to purchase it, I was greeted buy a worker with the brightest pink bow I've ever seen in my life! It didn't really go with her uniform, but what do I know of fashion? So, she rings up my book and then asks, "Did you want a bag?" I said, "Yes, please." She said, "You could just put it in your bag" and motioned toward my messenger bag, which already weighed a ton with my laptop in it. I said, "Well, I'm going to go sit at Starbucks, so I'd prefer the bag so no one thinks I jacked the book." She smiled and said, "Just show the receipt." I immediately pictured myself having to pull the receipt out of my wallet, which is where I had already stowed it, repeatedly to show the B&N Loss Prevention Officers I'm sure they have working for them...I said, "I'd prefer a bag." She finally relented and I swear I heard her mumbling something under her breath...I bet it was something about the environment and how I'm single-handedly destroying the ozone because I insist on getting bags for my purchases.

I finally made it to Starbucks and found a lone table in the corner. I am still able to watch people, which is all that matters. From my vantage point, I've been able to watch a few interesting sets of people...The first set I shall call Dick and Jane. I think Dick and Jane are on a blind date...Or else trying to have a date. They are sitting outside (God only knows why!! It's like 90 degrees and cloudy...Can we say HUMID!?) It's funny watching them though because she's leaned way back in her chair, puffing away on a cigarette (I miss smoking.), and chatting away, but with her legs crossed and her arms mostly crossed. He's leaned over the table, hanging on her every word. He's a big dork though...She's not into him. They came in a moment ago and she said, "I'll buy the coffee. I insist." He said something about he might have enough cash, but she blew him off...Strange. They're back outside and she's got to be on her fifth smoke. She's not even looking at him half the time. He's trying so hard though...I almost feel bad for him...But he's a dork, so it's just "almost".

Then there's this lady with her son sitting across from me. He's probably like five or six years old and thankfully, she's not one of those moms who gives her kids coffee. (Obviously, teenagers is fine, but little, little kids do not need anything else to help them with their ADHD.) No, this boy is drinking a strawberry and cream frap and munching on some kind of pastry. She's asking him all sorts of questions about school and about his dad...She seems very disconnected from the boy and his life. I never want to be like that when I have children...And God forbid I only got visitation rights with my kid, I would damn well make sure I knew more about what was going on with them...It breaks my heart to see this little boy with his mom. She's trying so hard to be funny with him...Doesn't she know you can't make yourself be funny? She's doing a lousy job. The boy just said, "Did you know frogs eat bugs?" Her answer was, "Yes." She totally could've made a frog face and pretended to be a frog...That would've made the boy laugh. It's sad...I must look away...

Then there's a man sitting two tables from me with a book called, Caffeine Blues. He has a spiral notebook that he's taking notes in. It's weird. He has the sheet of paper in two columns. He's writing notes only on the left column and his notes are so small. I'm unsure of how he could read these notes. I mean, fuck, from here they look microscopic. He has to keep stopping and sharpening his pencil because when it gets dull he can't write so small anymore. I can make out the page he's on now and it reads, "The Depression Connection." Hmmm...Interesting. Now I wouldn't have been surprised had this guy been reading some book on getting clean from drugs or alcohol because he has that look to him. He's too skinny and his clothes hang oddly on his lanky frame. And his hair is just a little too long and his mustache is definitely unkempt. As I sat here thinking that perhaps this guy has been having too many problems in his life and is trying to get healthy, I spy the cup he's drinking out of...It's a 64 oz cup from AMPM. And clearly, through the clear straw, I see that he's drinking soda...Sure, it could be caffeine-free soda, but it's doubtful since he's sitting here at a Starbucks that also serves Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, and Sierra Mist. No caffeine-free crap here. The funny thing is that when he sips from his cup, he looks around to make sure no one's looking...As if it's on the down low. Funny though to be drinking a caffeinated beverage while reading a book on how bad caffeine is for you...The strangest part is that he just got up and left from his table after an older Mexican guy walked up and put his hand on the guy's shoulder. Not a word was exchanged between the two, but then the white guy packed up his book, notebook, and emptied his cup into the trash. He then followed the guy out the door and into the parking lot, but not walking with him...He was like twenty feet behind him...So strange. I wonder what the connection was there.

My personal favorites here though are the school kids. They're not high schoolers, but college students. Even when I was studying English, I was never one of those students who sat at Starbucks or some other over-priced coffee place and discussed existentialism or Romanticism. It's not that I couldn't because I could've, but I chose not to because I'm not that pretentious. As I stood waiting for my coffee, I could hear them discussing different ideas about literature and I just smiled to myself because they were so far out of left field that it was amusing. One of the girls in the group started comparing some poem I am unfamiliar with to some Metalica song. Yes, because as we know Metalica is known for their amazing lyrics. Seriously? She was seriously stretching and she was trying so hard to sound smart. I sat there smiling to myself and I might've shook my head a bit because it was ridiculous. One of the boys was like, "Oh, that's astute." I wanted to turn around and be like, "You can't use that fucking word, you moron! She's not being astute in any way, shape, or form! She's delusional and you guys are so fucking pretentious you don't even see what a bunch of fucking idiots you are." Instead, I took my coffee and headed to my table knowing that those kids are stupid. If you have to sit at a coffee place, in a book store, and discuss literature to impress your friends or to make yourself feel good, then you're a moron...I've discussed literature with friends while studying or while out to dinner and such, but in no way did we sound like freaking morons like these kids...At least I hope we didn't sound like pretentious morons...

Oh well...That's enough for me. I've written way more than I had wanted. And I didn't even get to mention the dad who was trying to be cool with his daughter and her friends (He tripped and broke his flip-flop and is now walking around the store with one shoe on and one in his hand.). Or the Asian guys who've been sitting at a table discussing numbers for something since before I got here and how they have five empty Red Bulls sitting there between the two of them...Oh well...Until next time...Peace...