Who do VooDoo!?

So I've recently come to the realization that there are some people who I work with who don't love me. I know--I was surprised as well! Who wouldn't love me with my girlish good looks, charming personality, and amazing sense of humor? *smiles award-winning smile* Haha! Seriously though, I'm not a horrible person...all the time...but there are some who are not fans of me. However, I'm pretty sure that they all get together once a week after work for Heather Haters Unite to drink some beers and to talk shit about me. I'm totally okay with this. Haters gonna hate, right? 


All joking aside there are a few people who despise me who I could use as allies, but instead they choose to find new ways to try to fuck with me, but it doesn't work. First of all, I don't fall for stupid nonsense. Second, I won't be pulled into a game of one-upping the other; I just don't care enough. Third, I'm funnier and smarter than these fools anyway. But I digress...One of these people is another leader at my work. She absolutely fucking hates me. It's pretty blatant and it makes me laugh that every time I say something, she has to try to correct me. It's so lame. It makes me want to talk just so I can sit back and watch her dig herself into a hole. It's kind of amusing. The other girl is my equal in roles at work and I'm pretty sure she sees me as competition, which I guess I am, but again, I just don't care enough to play stupid games. On Monday, we had a meeting with a bunch of the leaders. One of the leaders moved over so that this girl who hates me could sit by me. This chick literally looked at the seat and then at me like I had cooties or something and walked off to stand for the entire 45 minute meeting. My old leader quickly came to sit by me and gave me a look like, "What the fuck was that?" I simply shrugged and went back to listening to the meeting. I've never done or said anything to this girl...What I have done though is not check up on her, not messaged her to see how she is, etc...She's constantly checking on me and I just blow her off. lol Needless to say, I don't have to send either one of these chicks a Christmas card this year.


The bad thing is that I have to watch the one lady's team while she's on vacation and she is so pissed about it. It wasn't her idea to have me and it's pretty damn clear that she doesn't want me with her team. Every other team I've watched has had their numbers go up, but this woman has no faith in me. Because of this her team has no faith in me. Most other teams love me and come to me for help and whatever...Not this team. In fact, yesterday while I was talking to this leader about her vacation, someone needed help and she walked off for a moment. Meanwhile, a chick on her team stood up to look at me over the cubicle wall. I said hello to her and she said, "Good luck." I sort of laughed her off and said I was sure everything would be all right. She shook her head and laughed a slightly evil laugh (no exaggeration for once) as she said, "No, good luck." And then she sat back down. So, if this chick looked like Fat Amy from Pitch Perfect (I'm currently listening to the cup song haha) or Mary Poppins or anyone else, it would be fine...But instead, she looks like this...





Now, you think I'm kidding, but I'm totally not. My first thought when I met her for the first time a week ago was that she is a witch. When I told my old leader about her threat, he asked, "You know she's a witch, right?" I said, "Don't mess with me, man! I swear she has a voodoo doll in her drawer!" He asked with wide eyes, "Did you see it!?" I told him to stop fucking with me and he said, "I swear I'm not messing with you. A few people have said she is totally a witch and practices that stuff." I told him that I'm glad I don't believe in voodoo because that's how it works...It only works if the victim believes in it and it's a bunch of shit. However, I've had this headache for days now and I'm pretty sure that she is smashing the voodoo doll of me in her drawer every so often and then pouring coffee onto it so that I have this rocking headache and can't sleep. Haha! Seriously though, this woman is fucking scary and she's going to kill me...Even more so because her numbers suck and I'm not going to stand idly by and watch her numbers tank more while I'm with the team. My boss told me straight out that she doesn't give a fuck and will tank just to make me look bad. I don't even know this chick. Clearly, she doesn't think I'm cute...or funny...or anything. She glares at me in the halls at work. She won't say hi to me. I'm pretty sure if I was on fire, she wouldn't even piss on me to put me out. And I get to spend two weeks sitting on the other side of the wall from her...Yeah, we're going to be BFFs, I'm sure. My boss told me to go look in her drawer tomorrow morning to see if there's a voodoo doll in there...I'm afraid I'll find something like this...




It looks just like me, no? 


Seriously though...I need something to counteract this woman. She is going to seriously fuck with me and normally I'm all about watching people make themselves look like asses, but this one is going to try to take me out...I miss the days when I worked with my friends. Maybe I just need a good witch like Ga-Linda ("Galinda with a Ga!" Any Wicked fans?) to come save me. I'm kidding...I'll never look at Glinda the same way again. *sigh* Luckily, I have my own one week vacation to chill before I enter hell just before my birthday. This should be fun...Now if I happen to get a pin stuck through me or my eyes suddenly appear to be buttons, please know that I was clearly wrong about the voodoo not working. I'm still not sure why she hates me though...

Eighties Sitcom...

Sometimes I feel as though my life is a really bad 80s sitcom. I'm talking like a serious off-the-wall sitcom complete with crazy characters and weird situations. Case in point...


This morning Phoenix and I, after dropping the kids off at daycare, were on our way to the lab for routine blood work. Before we'd left, Phoenix found her lab orders, but stated she couldn't find mine anywhere. Strangely enough, we had put them together, so who knows what happened to it? Anyway, we're driving and she tells me that I could call the doctor's office to ask them to fax it to the lab. I grumbled. I despise talking on the phone...Like I'd rather walk barefoot over hot coals than call anyone at this point in my life. Seriously. I know it's sad, but I just can't do it. I hate the phone. So, she talks a little shit, as usual, because I don't want to call. She says, "Fine. I'll call them and pretend to be you." So, she calls them and proceeds to say her name is Heather. I sort of laughed. I stopped laughing when she hung up after asking for the stuff to be faxed, but forgot to make me an appointment for tomorrow for the sinus infection that I have. Once she hung up, she said, "Oh crap! I forgot to make the appointment." She called right back and more or less made me look like a dumbass. *rolls eyes* 


By this point in time, we've pulled up to the lab and she starts to get out of the truck only to look at the lab order she had in her hand...Yeah, it said, "Heather", not "Phoenix." (Or her real name either.) I was all, "Are you kidding me? You made me look like a dumbass for nothing!" She laughs as she says, "You have to call the doctor and pretend to be me because I can't call back with the same voice and say I'm me!" This is pretty much when I started to wonder if my truck was fitted with a camera and maybe a microphone. I took her phone and called the doctor's office. I told them I was Phoenix and had to make myself look dumber by stating that Heather thought it was Phoenix's order and not Heather's order. Honestly, the whole thing was just out of control. Especially since in the middle of it, my cell phone rang and she answered it, pretending to be me again. WTF!? 


So, if this had been an actual sitcom, we would've had to pretend to be each other in front of people...Like I'd have to pull off being Phoenix and she'd have to be me...like in front of a lot of people at an important event. And she would've insisted that we dress like each other and wear wigs. No, seriously. She would go all out like that. However, my life isn't an actual sitcom, just similar to one. I'm still trying to figure out how we're going to pull this off tomorrow when I go in with my hoarse voice and she sounds normal...The receptionist is going to be like, "You didn't sound sick yesterday!" *rolls eyes* Yup, this is my life. 


On a side note...Phoenix went to the store the other night to buy a hose (because our devil dog ate the other one) and a sprinkler for the kids to play in. When I talked to her later, she said she bought them a little pool. I was picturing a little plastic pool....Not a blow up pool that a couple of feet deep and like 8 feet in diameter. It takes up my whole back porch. The kids are currently in it (because we live in AZ where is NEVER cools off...not even when the sun goes down) swimming "laps" and calling out my name every three seconds to look at them through the sliding glass door. (Don't worry, I am within reach of the door and the curtain is open. They are perfectly safe.) However, instead of just saying, "Heather!" Rapunzel has started yelling out, "Heather Weather!" Dude, seriously? I thought I was past that stage in my life...Things always seem to go full circle, don't they?