I am sitting here, at Barnes and Noble, away from all of my responsibilities and from everything and still, I cannot clear my mind enough to write. I have desperately felt the need to write lately, mostly because it's a great way to escape daily life and the stresses that come with it, but I just can't clear my mind. Despite my best efforts, I cannot shove aside all the thoughts that haunt me during the day and late at night when I am trying to sleep. I cannot even concentrate on a book to escape, which way back in the day when I was a teenager, was my go to escape. Why deal with all the bullshit going on around me when I can simply crack open the latest Dean Koontz or Stephen King book and let my imagination run wild while reading their stories? Trust me, real life was usually far more frightening than their stories...Unless of course you're a certain someone's mom and then when you read books like Phantoms, you get all freaked out by the description of giant moths at the window and make your 15 year old daughter sleep in your bed with you because you're scared...And you even make her close the closet doors, because that way, the boogie man will get her before he gets you. It doesn't matter that the storm of the century was raging on outside and that the rain may or may not have sounded like a giant moth's wings flapping against the window, it was a ridiculous situation. Never mind that the 15 year old was super sick with bronchial pneumonia...And had managed to read the book without needing to sleep with anyone or the lights on...I'm just saying...
But I digress...*cough, CHICKEN MOM, cough* So, yeah...There was a time when I could push away everything and lose myself in a good story. Then there came a time when I could lose myself in my own writing. I would sit down and write and then I'd realize that hours had passed and I had typed a butt load of pages. Sometimes, I would even lose myself in computer games (World of Warcraft, Diablo, and Sid Meyer's Pirates are all great examples), like to the point where I'd be surprised to see the sun had dropped in the sky or in the past that the sun was coming up and I hadn't even gone to bed yet!! Life has seriously sucked at times, but I always found a way to find time to de-stress, just a bit, so that I could drag myself back out to face it again and again...But not now. Now, I feel like life is getting the best of me.
Yesterday, I allowed myself to get so pissed off at some dude on the phone at work that I actually snapped my pen in half...Like I was so frustrated that I was pushing on my pen in my hand with my thumb and then it went SNAP! I hadn't even realized I was pushing so hard until that happened. The guy was insinuating that I was some sort of moron though, which ALWAYS pisses me off. Turns out the reason I was clueless as to what the fuck he was talking about was ("I have the reclamation number. Why can't you look that up?" Umm...Because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!) because the last rep (who had seemed so knowledgeable) had worked in the travel department, which is what his issue had to do with...In the end, he apologized, but I still wanted to tell him to go screw himself. I realized that I probably needed to chill out. It's hard though...I have no where to escape...
With the move coming up...tomorrow...our apartment is mostly packed. I keep finding little things I go to grab have already been packed. I am not excited to move in with Phoenix's mom. I certainly wouldn't want to move back in with my mom either. And not just because she makes me sleep with her when she gets scared. *grins* I can't relax at the apartment though because I keep thinking about all the stuff that needs to get done. At her mom's house, it's not going to be any better...I mean, it's not going to my house and we'll have most of our stuff crammed into a room, which is going to suck. I'm grateful she's taking us in, but it's still shitty. I talked to work about getting an earlier shift so that ride-sharing would work better with Phoenix, but they haven't responded yet. It's just...
Here's what I feel like...I feel like on any given day, we're all juggling balls...That's life, right? Just juggle what we can and we make it work...Right now, I feel like I'm juggling the normal balls, but now someone is using one of those ball shooter things they use to shoot tennis balls, and they're shooting more and more balls at me...And all the while, I'm riding a unicycle...And wearing a silly clown hat. *considers this* Okay, so I'm not wearing a clown hat, but yeah...I get that life is hard and that people are going to keep expecting more and more from you, but doesn't there get to be a time when you say, "Dude, enough is enough. Let me catch my breath!"? I mean, don't we get to have a little down time? Something has got to give...eventually...Otherwise, someone might find me curled up in the fetal position under my desk at work, mumbling incoherently.
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