I am at Barnes and Noble where I had every intention of writing, but you know I can't help but notice everyone around me. I wasn't going to write right now about the weirdos like the man who I've seen here repeatedly reading books on gambling, the latest of which is How to Win at Roulette....But now, I have to write because this guy just walked in and was like, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!" in the gayest voice I've ever heard in my life! I was sitting here, writing an email to a friend on Facebook, and his voice was like fingernails down a chalkboard. He was gayer than Jack on Will and Grace. He's gayer than the guy who does What the Buck on Youtube.com. If this guy was a superhero, he'd be Super Takes it up the ass Man! He couldn't even stand like a normal human being. He was standing at the counter, rocking back and forth like he was going to hump the counter. I guess he works here, but I've never seen him before in my life. I would've remembered his stupid faux hawk. Really, grow some balls and get a real mohawk, punk rock gay boy. Anyway, he was here for a few minutes ("I just HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD to come by for one of your AMMMMMMAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZING cookies!") and then pranced out of here...Maybe not pranced...More like cat-walked out here. Seriously, he was looking from side to side and swaying his hips more than Jessica Rabbit on Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.
I think what made me laugh the hardest was this old woman who's sitting a couple of tables away from me. As soon as she heard the "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!" her head snapped up and she looked irritated. She watched the gay boy in absolute horror, as if he had some sort of contagious disease. This was worse than those horrible car accidents you see and want to look away, but find you can't drag your eyes away no matter how bad it is. (I saw a car accident once where someone got decapitated and I kept looking at the body as they covered it...It was as if my mind couldn't comprehend that the man was headless...I wanted to look away, but I just couldn't.) As he walked out, she watched his hips sway and she had this look on her face that reminded me of my grandma. My grandma has this one specific look that tells the recipient that she is so disappointed in them that she might as well disown them. It's like anger and disappointment and shame all rolled into one. That's the look this woman gave him. It took everything in me not to burst out laughing. She realized though that I saw her and she buried her face back into her magazine...I can't wait to grow old and crotchety.
On a side note...I wonder if this other girl sitting here, on her computer, is also people watching. She keeps looking around at people...Perhaps she's writing about the man with the gambling addiction...Or the man who has to be in his forties and wearing a comicbook t-shirt...Or the grandma with the four grandchildren, whom she has given coffee and sweets to...Or maybe she's even blogging about the condescending Starbucks worker who will, in her passive-agressive way, correct your ordering or whatever you did wrong. For instance, if you say you want a large coffee, she says, "A venti coffee." You hear the emphasis. Today, she got me (and I try so hard not to get corrected!) because I accidentally swiped my Starbucks gift card instead of the Barnes and Noble one. Damn it! I was so close! All I know is that I hope that girl isn't blogging about me!! If you read any blog about a girl on a red laptop in a gray and purple polo shirt, it wasn't me, okay?
:)
ReplyDelete