So, after looking at like a billion houses online and a bunch in person, I found one that felt like "home" when I saw it. The funny thing is, I hated the pics of it online. I was like, "Eff that house with its primary color back porch." The porch was painted red, blue, and yellow. It was nuts! My realtor, the jackass that he is, convinced me to go see it. I fell in love. It had an adorable courtyard in the front, a great sized backyard, etc, etc, etc...I went through the check list I was given (Phoenix in her commanding voice, "You make sure the house has an office or loft for you to write in, a big closet for us, a two-car garage, and a big bathtub.") It didn't have the two-car garage, but it had everything else. And despite the tile all throughout the house, I loved it. The tile work was awesome. Whoever lived there, loved the house and obviously did tile work for a living.
After seeing that house and liking it, I went on to see 8 other houses. I didn't like any of them. I liked the one with the weird colored porch. That was the one that was to be our house. It had character. I asked to go see it again and then decided to make an offer on it. When we went to go put in an offer, my jackass realtor wrote up an offer for like $800 under asking price. I was like, "Oh hell no." Who does that? The house has been on the market for a while and it was a foreclosure. The bank should want to sell it before it ends up at auction for a hell of a lot less. So, I told him I wanted to go lower. Since it was Super Bowl Sunday, he decided we should do it on Monday and go from there...Whatever. We did it his way.
On Monday, he said the people at the bank said there weren't any other offers on the house. We wrote up a new deal and thankfully, I ask more questions than the average person. The moron was putting shit in the contract that would've cost me more money than I would've cared to spend. While looking at houses, I discovered that real estate is his second job. He works full-time for the county. This explains why he's only available sometimes. I also think that as this being his second job, he doesn't really sell too many houses. He seemed to be clueless when I asked him a ton of questions. He had to ask some other real estate dudes who were in the office. Let me tell you how much confidence that instilled in me...*rolls eyes* In the end, we put together an offer for $78,500. The original asking price was $84,900 or something. I agreed to that price and signed more papers than I knew what to do with. And we were supposed to hear from the bank by Wednesday at 5pm.
Tuesday came and went (slowly) with no word from the bank. Tuesday night my realtor called and asked if I wanted to change my offer. Of course I didn't want to change my offer! Not even when he said he got some stupid email claiming there were suddenly multiple offers on that house. *rolls eyes* There were no offers until I made an offer and then suddenly other people wanted it too??? I think not! How dare someone else want my crazy house with the strangely painted back porch! How dare someone look at the house and immediately be impressed by the little courtyard in the front! Still, I didn't opt to change my offer. I said, "No, leave it. We'll see what happens." This immediately made my tension headache I've been sporting for a few days kick into overdrive. My head hurt damn bad. I was actually getting nauseous from the pain. And I only slept for a little while that night.
Wednesday came and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. At 8:10 am my realtor texted me to ask if I was available to look at houses on Friday. I said, "Sure...Have you heard from the bank?" He had given up hope. I hadn't, but he had. Or so it seemed. He hadn't heard anything, but that was the end of it. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. Wednesday at 5pm came and went without a word. WTF? Isn't the bank supposed to say yes, no, or maybe so? This is what happens on HGTV!! Where the fuck is Sandra Rinomato? I need a house and I need someone who knows how to do their damn job!
Here comes Thursday and still nothing from the guy. I am pissed now. I am so pissed, I say fuck it to everything and convince Phoenix to go to a movie. We skipped out on packing our apartment despite the fact we have to be out in two weeks and nothing is really packed. We went to see The Green Hornet, which was awesome! As we drove home, the realtor called. Unfortunately, I had my phone on silent, so I missed it. I tried to call him back, but no answer, so I texted him. I asked, "Have you heard from the bank yet? What's going on?" He called back and here's where the shit gets worse...
So, it turns out my realtor isn't current on his hours as a realtor. His office got a call like a month ago from the real estate board and they said that he needed to do some classes for some hours. His office thought they were wrong and apparently, failed to mention this to my guy...*rolls eyes* On Wednesday, the real estate board contacted him and told him he can't do anything real estate related until he does his hours!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? *looks around for Candid Camera people* No, seriously, is this a big fucking joke!? I calmly listened as he said he told me that he took a class on Wednesday night (That explains the no phone call.) and how he'll be back in business by Monday and in the meantime, his boss is taking care of me. Oh really? Because that mo-fo didn't call me either about my offer! I want to know what the fuck is going on! Apparently, I signed up for a realtor, not from USA West Realty, but from Stupid and Stupider Realty!! What is wrong with people? This isn't a joking matter to me. I want to buy a house and I need to buy one like yesterday. Because on top of every other freaking thing going on, Phoenix is supposed to be filing for bankruptcy and when she took her stuff to the lawyer today, he did a 180 on what he told her before. He had said, "On the day we file, you need to pull your money out of your accounts." Today he said, "You need to spend your money before we file. Otherwise, they may try to take it." And by "it" I mean the money and by "the money" I mean even the money in my account, which is our joint account, which is where I have our down payment chilling until we get a house! Yes, that's right...If we don't use the money, some bill collector may try to lay claim to it because Phoenix is on my account. And if we don't file her bankruptcy soon, one bill collector may try to garnish her wages.
Are you guys all with me here??? I don't even know which way is up anymore...On the plus side, my grandma who had last minute exploratory surgery is doing well. Yay for grandma!! In other news, we have to be out of our apartment in two weeks, I have no clue what's going on with my offer, still need to pack, have a moron as a realtor, still need to find me a vehicle, need to get Phoenix's bankruptcy filed, and well, you get the idea...Who wants to buy this girl a drink? Or a keg? Or something...I'm so done...
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