I'm a jerk...

I have found that recently I've been so stressed about this whole moving/house buying/OMG I need a car/I need to lose weight thing going on here that I can't even write anymore. I feel as though I am about to snap because I am being stretched out in so many directions and my mind doesn't stop spinning until I lay my head on my pillow at night, at which point I fall asleep faster than a baby with a full tummy. But I don't even sleep through the night--I wake up ten times, with random thoughts. I hate it!! Let's check this crap out together and you can see the hell I am putting myself through...


So, the lease is up on our apartment in, umm, 22 days. Yes, 22 days. No, my faithful readers, my apartment is not packed up into neat little boxes and ready to be moved. Instead, it looks like we've lived here for two freakin' years!! Of course, we have packed some stuff, but seriously, not even a fourth of our stuff has been packed. In three weeks, we have to be out of here and yet, we're not ready. This is so not cool. On the other hand, Phoenix and I know that we're going to be staying at her mom's until we get a house, so now we're left trying to figure out what we need "out" and what needs to be packed. I don't even know where to begin...


House buying isn't a great experience. I had a blast taking "adventures" with Phoenix and her nieces to go look at houses, but it's so not cool when we're actually doing it. I've seen pictures of hundreds (Okay, maybe like 100 houses...although, maybe more because Phoenix is always looking.) of houses. I see things in each house I like, love, and hate. How freakin' hard is it to find a house with a large kitchen, a garden/soaker tub, a huge master closet (C'mon, we're a couple of broads! We need room for our wardrobes!), a fourth bedroom or loft for my desk and computer, and a medium-large backyard. I'm not asking for the moon and stars here, folks! Now, we've seen a few homes with these things, but some of them just suck...Like they have weird layouts and I find myself wondering what the hell the designers were thinking. For instance, we saw one living room with a big fireplace, which was nice, but the room was longer than it was wide and with the fireplace cutting it in half, there was no logical way of setting up the TV and couch in there. The TV would've ended up like ten feet from the couch and I could only imagine how loud it would have to be then for people to hear it. In other homes, we found tile throughout the house...Tile is fabulous, but throughout the entire house? No way. I'd have to spend a fortune in area rugs and such because it would be far too loud in that house without something to absorb the noise. Same thing with the pergo wood floors. My DC's and her Nike Shox shouldn't be making echoing noises as we walk through the house. Today I continue my hunt with my realtor. We are starting at 8am and this time, I'm going armed with my LSR (Loan Status Report), which shows I can get an $80,000 loan. It's all I could get with the savings I have. Had we not just had Christmas, I'm sure I could've saved a bit more, but whatever...I'll be able to get a nice house with this...Or so I hope.


In the midst of everything, it came to our attention that I will no longer be residing across the street from work. Can I just point out how convenient that's been? Seriously! I mean, it is still a half a mile walk through the apartment complex and all, but still...It's nice. Now, I'll be using my savings as a down payment on a house, which is what it was supposed to be for, but now I'll be left with no money to buy a car. Well...A truck. I am not a car girl. We had looked at a new truck, but I was told I couldn't get a truck loan because I've never had a car loan before...However, they'd be more than happy to finance me for a used truck, which was like the same price as the new truck. Lame! However, I don't make enough to have a truck loan and a house loan, so that's out. I am now looking for a used truck, like via Craigslist for cheap to get me down the road until Phoenix buys me a truck. I figure if I'm buying the house, she can buy the truck. *grins* In the meantime though, this doesn't solve my problem of no vehicle. We've looked online and some of the trucks are just horrible. Don't list your truck as "in good condition" when it looks like you played bumper cars in it one night after a few too many Budweisers. It's not in good condition when the bumper is dented, a headlight is busted out, and there's a long dent down the driver's side that leaves me wondering if the door can even be opened. It's just crazy to me!! And my biggest fear is buying a truck from someone only find out it runs like shit or something...It's probably going to end up being karma for me since I passed my piece of shit car off on some unsuspecting dude...So, if anyone knows anyone selling a Chevy truck (Or a Dodge, if I must...) for cheap, let me know.


Losing weight...Losing weight is a losing battle. I've spent my whole life being overweight. I don't know how to be thin. I don't know how to lose the weight. I was counting my calories like I was the calorie Nazi or something...And I lost like ten pounds. But I was pissed off and hungry. And if I died in the middle of that and the coroner sent someone to pick me up, they'd still be making fat jokes at my expense, because ten pounds means absolutely jack when you're as heavy as I am. Seriously, I can hear the dudes now, "Think she choked on a ham sandwich like Mama Cass?" While the other one jokes back, "More like the whole ham!" And those fuckers wouldn't even know that I don't even care for ham!!th stairs, it's probably not the best idea to make me go up and down them wit I sit on my ass for ten hours four days a week. I can't walk around my cubicle because my entire job revolves around a computer and a phone. It just sucks. People think I'm not motivated to lose weight or something, but it's not like that...We bought bikes and I'd love to go bike riding. However, for right now, our bikes are being stored at Phoenix's dad's house because it wasn't going to work to keep them here. We had no where to store them, plus, it's not exactly easy to bring them up and down the stairs. Our stairs are pretty narrow and with my track record on the stairs it's just not a good combination. I'm just sayin'...I'm so stressed out though and despite watching my calories, I am not losing anything else. I'm starving to death (A slight exaggeration...Or a big exaggeration...whatever) and nothing is changing. It's bullshit. I need to lose weight, but I have to find something that's going to work for me...And I'm running out of ideas. I know I need to work out, but as some have suggested, I cannot just work out on my three days off. I need to get into a routine and it has to be soon. I don't want to be the fat girl whose made fun of even in death...


So, I guess that's a small glimpse into my life. I'm not even bring work into this and trust me, you don't want to know about work. I was so stressed about everything and so pissed at Phoenix one night that I actually went and bought a pack of smokes. Yup, I went into a Circle K and asked, "Can I get a pack of Marlboro 100s, please?" As I was doing it, I wanted to cry, but I was stressed and pissed and that's not a good combo. I drove back to the apartment and sat on the stairs outside my place and lit one up. Oh man, it was so gross!! It didn't taste good at all and I instantly felt high. *grins* I had forgotten about that. Of course, I know it's because I'm depriving my poor brain of oxygen, but it almost felt good for a moment. But then I thought of all the people who'd be disappointed in me. I had given up on smoking two years ago, what the fuck was I doing? Only days before, I had been encouraging an old friend on quitting and here I was smoking. I was a big fucking a hypocrite! Then here came Phoenix and she looked at me with such...I don't even know what it was. She was livid though. I felt like a big jerk. I was like an alcoholic going for a beer just because he/she had a bad day. I put out the smoke after only smoking like 3/4 of it. I realized I smelled so bad too. I washed my hands like ten times and I could still smell it. I still have the pack sitting on my counter. There are 19 smokes in there...And despite everything I have just written...And despite feeling like a big jerk...I still look at them and think, "I could just have one more." WTF? Stupid cigarettes...


So, I guess that's it. I need to get ready so I can go look at more houses today...Let's hope I find something soon. I need a vacation from my life. The sooner I get a house, the sooner I'll get that break I need. And I think the break I need is a wild, crazy weekend in Vegas. I'm talking about drinking until I don't remember my name ("You can call me Lucy and this is my friend Ethel!" Yup, Phoenix can be Ethel! *grins*) and going to clubs I wouldn't take my mom to...Well, that's not true. My mom's probably been to all those clubs, but whatever. I want to wake up on my second or third day in Vegas going, "OMG...What did I do last night? And why is there a tiger in my bathroom?" I'm just saying...Who's in? Well, who's in when I figure out when I can go?