Dance like no one is watching...

So, it's only been like a billion years since last I wrote. Anyone notice how life seems to get so much more hectic around the holiday times? Why is that? And why do we insist on buying so much crap and spending about a bazillion dollars on our family and friends? I don't know why we do it. Aren't the holidays supposed to be about spending time with those we care about? So, if that's the case, then why do we have to buy them gifts too? Isn't it enough to just show up at their homes, eat their food, and then watch A Christmas Story with them? I should think so...In other words, I'm trying to say I'm broke and if I have to face another crowd of jackasses in the so-called "holiday spirit" again, I'm going to go postal...And if I have to hear one more Christmas song whilst driving around fighting the extra traffic on the road because everyone is out shopping, I'm going to start banging my head into the steering wheel until I pass out or crash into someone. I'm just sayin'...


In other news, I took a long overdue vacation. Phoenix and I spent four days in Cali visiting my family. I've been super worried about my youngest sister because she's been having seizures. I guess they still don't know why she has them, but the doctor thinks she's been having them since infancy. Nice. Apparently, she's not just a restless sleeper. Now, when I have kids, I'm going to be all paranoid. "Was that their leg twitching or are they having a seizure???" And I find myself running through a list of all known injuries to the kid. Is this my fault? When she was like six months old and my mom had a hysterectomy, I was helping out and was giving the kid a bath in the kitchen sink. Of course, in true baby fashion, she started grabbing for everything on the counters, so I held her tightly with one hand and then swept away the things she was reaching for. Ever notice how slippery babies are? Yeah, I didn't know that at the ripe old age of 26...I hadn't bathed a lot of babies. Apparently, they are though, just in case you were wondering. In the two seconds that I held her one-handed, she slipped in my grip and bumped her head on the sink. Oh man, I felt horrible. But now I wonder...Did I give my sister seizures??? It only takes one bump...But then I know she fell down a ton of times when she was learning to walk and I'm hoping that's what caused it and not me. *grins* I know, I'm mean, but come on, I don't want to be the reason. Although, I suppose it's all water under the bridge, right? I mean, there's no way of knowing how it happened. On the plus side, we know what's going on and the doctors are working to get her medication to the right dosage so as to help limit the amount of them she's having. Cross your fingers, folks. I feel bad for the kid. Now, she's not allowed to go swimming, ride a bike, or do any of the awesome and dangerous things we all did as kids...Hey guys, remember when we were kids and we used to ride bikes, skateboard, and roller skate minus the helmets, knee pads/elbow pads, etc? Man, it's amazing any of us survived our childhoods...Survival of the fittest, right? *laughs*


So, California was fine. Then we came home for less than two days and then took off to Sedona!! I was so excited about this part of our vacation because we could sleep in and I was going to write. I wrote like two pages in the entire three days we were there. It was raining and cold and I just wanted to sleep. On our second day there, it was snowing up by Flagstaff, so we got in the car and I drove us up towards Flagstaff. We were on this little two-lane mountain road and despite the rain, which became snow as we climbed, people were still hauling ass on the road. I suppose they didn't notice things I had noticed along the way, like the rock the size of my head in the middle of the road as I came around a turn, a fallen tree branch about two feet into the north-bound lane, etc...According to a local in Sedona, it's because of drivers like that, that there are little white crosses on the side of the roads. As morbid as that is, it's true. If I was doing sixty around a turn and came across a rock the size of my head, I'd have no time to swerve and if I did, I'd end up hitting someone head on or losing control on the slippery road and going into the ravine where the creek runs or whatever. People are fucking idiots! We drove until the snow was sticking good and pulled off a picnic place to take pictures. It was so peaceful and nice, you know, minus the idiots on the road still doing fifty and sixty on the snow-covered road. It was 29* degrees out, so the roads were good and slippery!! After that, we headed back to the time share because it was far too cold and nasty out to do anything else. Along the way, we stopped to rent Ramona and Beezus and Eat, Pray, Love. Ramona and Beezus was cute, but Eat, Pray, Love wasn't all that great. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it's not my type of movie...I mean, unless there's a kid wizard, or hobbits, or singing and dancing, or a crazed maniac running around saying things like, "Here's Jonnie!" or it has a sad ending, it's just not my cup of tea. Wait a second...What if we took all these movie aspects and made it into one movie...I bet that'd be the best movie ever!! lol Other than that, I was just lazy, watching TV...It was a great vacation!


After 11 days off of work, I had to return to work and can I just tell you how hard that was? It totally sucked balls. I was happy to go back and find out that despite getting in more surveys for the calls I had taken before vacation, I am still number one on the team. (The surveys give us scores according to the rating the people give us and then they're posted for everyone to see.) Everyone is congratulating me on it, but they don't know that the higher I fly, the harder I fall. I'm happy I'm up there, but this is my life and the Universe hates me, so I'm not planning on riding high all through the month. If it stays high, I'll get a big bonus, but when I was in training, I had my score this high and just before the month ended, I got in a bad survey and it cut my bonus by over $500 dollars...So not cool. So, I'm not holding my breath. Still, it's cool not to be at the bottom.


So, we went to karaoke again this past Wednesday. You know, Applebees hired a different karaoke guy and this one isn't cool...Like it makes such a huge difference and this dude doesn't have great songs to choose from...Still, there we were. Phoenix's nieces sang and people were telling them how great they were. Then suddenly the DJ says, "Coming up next is..." And announces Phoenix's sister and...ME!? I was all, "What?" I had no clue she had put in my name with her. Of course, we rocked Love Shack because that's apparently our song now. And I get to sing Fred's part because in my relationship with Phoenix's sister I also get to be the boy. *laughs* Supposedly, I have a "boy voice" whatever that means. After that, I had to stop the kids from putting in my name again. They wanted me to sing "London Bridges" because the guy didn't have "Fergalicious". Seriously? Don't these kids know I'm not Fergie? I barely even know her music...*shifty eyes, hides Fergie poster and CDs* I have no clue why karaoke is so much fun...I can't even sing. Although, after listening to some of the other people who "sing" at karaoke, I'm not all that bad...I'm just sayin'...


Yesterday was when I took my turn to go shopping for Phoenix after we made a ton of tamales. I stopped helping after 24 or 25 dozen. My partner, her nephew, had given up like a dozen or two before me...I just couldn't do it anymore. My fingers had turned all wrinkly like I had been in the bathtub or swimming for a few hours. I retreated to the couch to watch TV. Then after a while, I left to go shopping...I should never ever be allowed to go shopping alone. First of all, my stupid phone lost its signal as it was navigating me to the place I needed to go, so then I drove on instinct alone...And once I got close, I followed a few signs. Then once I found the place, I parked and went into the mall. I got totally turned around because the mall map was all kinds of screwed up. Let's forget about color coding shit and just use obvious things like the names of the stores and arrows saying things like, "YOU ARE HERE!" Eventually, I found the store, again, by instinct. The store I went to was far too crowded and I was tempted to call the fire marshal because I'm pretty sure there were too many people in there. Had there been a fire, I'm not sure we would've all gotten out. Well, I would've, but that's only because I would've climbed over people to get out. The place looked as though it had been robbed because everything was sold. Okay, not everything, but damn near it...I was afraid that Phoenix was going to end up getting a picture of the item I wanted to get her instead of the actual item. No matter how amusing I would've found that, I'm not sure she would've laughed with me. *grins* After waiting about fifteen or twenty minutes, it was my turn to get what I wanted. I was glad I didn't have to wait any longer because, being the weirdo magnet I am, I got stuck chatting with a rather large man who came to stand by me. Why, oh why, do they come to me? He was all, "What're you here for?" I told him. He said, "I'm here to get something for my wife." He then went on to tell me that every year he gets the same thing-- socks and underwear. Really? I don't want to know anything about this dude and his underwear. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I simply said, "Perhaps it's time you ask for something better." He laughed. Sure, small talk passes the time, but so does playing on my phone. Then, I get the smartass worker who's all, "You know, next year, if you want to avoid the crowds, you could shop earlier." Oh, you think, genius? I replied, "I was on vacation for two weeks out of town, then I worked for the last couple of days, so this is my first chance to shop. I think this coming year though, I'll do my shopping in July. You have a Merry Christmas." And then I walked out. Really, idiot? If I shop earlier, there won't be crowds? Damn, I never would've thought of that. *rolls eyes* People just amaze me. I think by then I was just annoyed with her because she was trying to sell me something far more expensive than what I was looking for. She wasn't happy when I stuck with what I had asked for in the first place. Stupid woman.


After all of this, I went to pick up Phoenix, her nieces, and nephew and we all came back to our apartment. I decided to make some cookies and everyone played Sing Star, you know, because we like to sing. They used me as a "life line", so I would jump in and sing for a team when they didn't know the song being sung. I was fine with that. At some point in time, they were trying to pick a song and it came to Hit Me Baby One More Time or whatever that song is called. I was in the kitchen taking cookies out of the oven and taking them off the pan so they could cool. I had seen everyone in the living room looking at the TV as they discussed the song. I was singing along with the clip of the song and started dancing...you know...like no one is watching. Apparently, someone was watching. Phoenix's nephew had looked over and saw me dancing...Or more appropriately, "shaking my groove thang". He just stared at me with a horrified look on his face and I was completely oblivious to this as I was busy with the cookies and dancing...Phoenix looked at him and asked what was wrong. It was only then that I stopped and looked as he said something about me dancing. I couldn't stop laughing. I was literally crying I was laughing so hard because he had been so taken about by seeing a fat girl shake her ass. So, when people say things like you should dance like no one is watching, you'd best be damn sure no one is watching...And that no one can see you...Poor kid, he's like scarred for life now...No one should have to see me shake my money maker. Even I don't want to know what I look like dancing. *laughs wildly* Oh man, it still makes me laugh my ass off...I'm just going to guess I don't look half as good as Britney Spears does when she dances in her school-girl outfit...


Okay, I'm off to make myself look half-way decent since we have multiple places to go this evening...Gotta love these holidays!! Peace on earth out...Or peace out...you know, whatever.

The Night in the Hospital

So, when we last left off, I was checked into my room. I was told I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight. Of course, by then it was 11:30 or maybe 11:40 and my stomach was growling. There's nothing quite like having people listen to your lungs and chest whilst your stomach is yelling, "FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!" And what's worse is that then I look like the fat girl who wants to eat all the time...Which I don't, but it looks bad...But I didn't care. Phoenix left, came home (which is like a 30 second drive), and made me a sandwich. She returned with the sandwich, and as I lay in my hospital bed, chowing down on the best ham sandwich (I don't like ham very much.) I'd ever had in my life, I suddenly thought, "Oh, for the love of God...I'm the fat girl, in the hospital with chest pains, eating a ham sandwich...Who am I? Mama Cass in the making???" (She died of cardiac arrest, not from choking on a ham sandwich, you jerks!) On the plus side, I don't have an awesome singing voice, so I pushed aside my worries and finished my sandwich.


After eating and brushing my teeth, Phoenix decided to head home. I flipped on the television and laid back to sleep. My nurse, Elvis (a Mexican looking lad), came in to check on me. I told him I was tired and would be going to sleep. He made sure I wasn't in any pain and then said he'd be back to check on me. What he failed to mention was that he'd be back in like forty minutes to check on me! I was watching The Best Thing I Ever Ate on Food Network as I was dozing off and I had rolled on my left side and dozed off. Suddenly, there's Elvis, leaning in close to me and I was startled, "What?" I asked, sitting up. He asked, "Are you having chest pains? Shortness of breath?" I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest because the fool had just scared the crap out of me. Most people don't get up in my face when they wake me up...I replied, "No. I was sleeping. I don't feel anything." He said, "Your heart monitor was going off. I'm ordering an EKG. They'll be here in a few minutes." I nodded and sat up since they'd be arriving shortly, whoever they were...


A couple minutes later, a woman comes in, pushing a large EKG machine. She applies more stickers to my chest and abdomen, as though the other fifteen weren't enough, and does her test...Yup, no heart attack. Elvis returns and says, "It wasn't a heart attack...I wonder if one of your stickies is loose..." Yup, the one on my left side had come loose. We could've avoided the 2am EKG!! WTF!? I could've avoided getting groped by yet another hospital staff. Seriously. It's bad enough to be in there, but to have people reaching in and around my gown is a bit disturbing...At least buy me dinner first. So, Elvis gets me all settled in again and leaves.


I no sooner closed my eyes and dozed off then someone comes into my room. I half-open my eyes and see this woman who looked a great deal like Helena Bonham Carter (Yes, the girl who plays Bellatrix Lestrange in Harry Potter and Jonny Depp's love interest in Swedney Todd.) only this nurse was not quite as waif-life as HBC. So, I sit up a bit and ask, "What're you here for?" She smiles and says, "To draw your blood." She had my door slightly open and then proceeded to draw my blood in the light that spilled in from the open door and the dim light from the television set behind her. She chatted with me as she attempted to locate a vein in my arm. After poking me and completely missing the vein, she said, "Sorry about that. I'm going to have to repoke you because I hate digging around in people's arms...It makes me sick to my stomach. Plus, I'm sure they don't like it either." Really? I can't imagine why someone wouldn't like to have another person dig in their arm with a NEEDLE! WTF!? I smiled and said, "Yeah...Please, poke away." She drew my blood from a vein near my index finger on my left hand...Weird. I couldn't believe she did all this in the mostly dark room. She then bid me good night and left. Even as she left, I couldn't stop thinking how much she looked like Helena Bonham Carter...And then I wondered if she was as creepy as the characters HBC always plays...Of course, I fell back to sleep right after that.


Just as I dozed off, a nurse in training came in to take my vitals. She apologized for disturbing me, but she had to make sure everything was okay. I quietly let her take my vitals. It was like 2:45am by then. After she left, I yanked the sheet up and tried to go back to sleep. I was so beyond exhausted. Out of nowhere, (at like 3:30am) this other nurse comes in, flips on the light, sees I had been sleeping and turns it back off. "Hi, I'm here to give you a breathing treatment." I don't do breathing treatments. I have minor asthma that acts up when I'm sick...Or when I smoke too much...Or perhaps after running. I had been sleeping. I didn't need a treatment. I was all, "Okay...Who ordered this?" She said, "Everyone gets them." She hooked it all up and then handed me the pipe-looking thing and had me breathe deeply. This went on for like 5 minutes. I felt high by the time we were done. I felt light-headed and out of it. As I did the treatment, she had been leaning against my sink texting wildly. After she finally left, I laid back only to have Elvis come back in, "You okay?" I said, "I'm fine. Just exhausted." He smiled and said, "Okay. Did you ask for the breathing treatment?" I said, "No. She said everyone gets them." He shook his head and said, "Oh, okay." Apparently, not everyone gets them.


I finally went back to sleep and I have no idea who else came in my room or what they did to me as I slept. I was so fucking tired that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade could've walked by and I wouldn't have noticed. At 5:30, Elvis came in to give me my thyroid medication. I thanked him and passed back out. At 6, a nurse came in to check my vitals. At 6:30 a man came in who looked like my World History teacher from high school (Yes, folks, I am speaking of Mr. Samuels with his crazy curly hair.). He said, "I need to draw your blood. Your last sample wasn't very good. The red cells were bursting, so we couldn't accurately test it." He then stabs me in my arm with a needle, takes the blood, and is gone. I wasn't impressed with him because he did it with the lights on. I fell back to sleep for a couple of minutes before the new nurse came on shift. He came in my room and put his name on my board and said, "Oh, good morning" when I looked over at him. Really??? I need sleep, you fuckers! Well, that's what I wanted to say, but only thought it. I laid there, staring at the ceiling until another nurse in training came in to check my vitals. She said, "I'll be quick." As she hooked me up, she said, "I hate these machines...There are so many wires. Sometimes I get them mixed up." REALLY!? The machine has a blood pressure cuff, the thing for your finger, and a thermometer! I said, "So, I take it you don't run the EKG machine?" She smiled at me and said, "No." I pointed out that that machine had a buttload of wires. After she left, I gave up on sleep.


Phoenix came back at like 8:15am. She was all freshly showered and in clean clothes, while I felt like something the cat had dragged in. I made her go home and get me shorts to put under my gown since they were going to make me do a stress test. I just couldn't bring myself to be on the treadmill with my undies showing. I got my blood drawn yet again. This time by some old lady who had no trouble finding a vein in my arm. She didn't even leave a bruise, unlike the Mr. Samuels look alike who left me a bruise on my arm, which made me look like I was in an abusive relationship. Not long after she came back with them, they took me down to the treadmill. The doctor started asking me questions about where I worked and stuff and as soon as I told him where I worked, he was like, "Oh! That's the only credit card I use!" Then him and the tech wouldn't stop asking me questions about how the cards work and are they worth it. Really, bastards? I'm trying to jog on this treadmill in non-slip socks, in a gown, with shorts, and no bra. This isn't a shining moment in my life. Stop talking and let me get through this! Instead of going off on the ignorant bastards, I answered their questions. The tech tried telling me that they had solicited him for the "Black Card"...Okay, to get the black card, you have to spend like $250,000 with us, annually...And have great credit and like a billion dollars in your wallet at all times. Seriously. You have to be super rich. Think like Jay Z rich. I said, "Really? That card is like $2500 a year, plus a $5000 start up fee." He said, "No, they offered it to me for less." I said, "So they offered you a platinum card." He insisted it was the black card....*rolls eyes* He wishes. It's funny to see little men with big dreams...The black card. HA!


So, after jogging, and giving myself a couple of black eyes because we all know big girls shouldn't do anything bra-less, especially jog, I was told I passed the test. The doc said, "I don't think you had a heart attack. Everything is fine. I'm going to suggest they release you." Oh, okay, that's awesome, but what was causing the pain!? I was taken back to my room by the tech and a friend of his, and together, they were like Dumb and Dumber. Really. I worry about ever going back to the hospital after seeing the people who work there. I mean, I know my friends and we can be a goofy bunch, but I think we'd do better there than these goons.


Finally, it was decided that I was to be discharged. As I waited, Phoenix began to worry because she missed work that day, but there was training she didn't want to miss, which was at 1pm. At noon, she was convinced she wouldn't make it. I suggested she go and I would just walk home, but she said, "You can't walk home!" *rolls eyes* My heart works just fine! The doctor came in and talked to me. He said, "Well, your heart is all right. You may want to follow up with your own doctor." I explained that the heart doctor had said it could be my pancreas. He agreed and then started going on and on about something before asking, "Do you smoke?" I said, "Nope." Then I added that I had quit almost two years ago. He said, "Oh, well, we do see this in ex-smokers. They get chest pains for no reason." Seriously? It's the mystery of the ex-smoker? Ex-smoker's disease, which causes random chest pains like a heart attack? Okay, moron. Where the hell is Dr. House??? I'd settle for Dr. Grey or Dr. Bailey. Actors could do a better job at diagnosing me with something!


I was finally able to put on my real clothes and my beloved bra again to go home. They told me I had to wait for someone to come get me. The person they sent was this old lady who weighed like 90 pounds soaking wet. Really? Grandma is going to push me all the way downstairs to my car? Are you kidding me? Oh yeah, grandma did it too, took me all the way to my car! She told me at my car, "I'm not going to be able to help you out of the chair." I said, "That's okay. I'm fine, really. I could've walked out." She said, "Oh no. You're not allowed to walk out." *rolls eyes* I should've pushed her out in the wheelchair...


At long last, I got home and was able to take a shower. I felt disgusting! Hospitals are so gross! I mean, there's so many germs and God only knows what else there. I refrained from scrubbing up with some steal wool and Comet and settled for a hard scrubbing with my body wash...Still, I felt gross. It was great to be home though. I was able to sleep without people poking me or doing EKGs. And after all that, we still have no idea what caused the pains...Next time, I'm not going to the hospital unless I'm convinced I'm dying...*rolls eyes* Those guys are morons, I'm telling you!! And the best part is that my arm had a bruise from the Mr. Samuels wanna-be who drew my blood, a bruise from the blood pressure cuff they used, and marks from the stickers, which I'm apparently allergic to. The sticker marks are still there after a week...Nice, huh?

She left me alone!!

On Sunday night I had some chest pains. This isn't the first time I've felt it, but other times I justified it..."Oh, I just drank a Dr. Pepper rather quickly." C'mon, we all know Dr. Pepper is super carbonated and I don't know about you, but sometimes it makes my chest cramp really bad, like I need to burp or something. It hurts. Other times, I thought perhaps it was from wrestling Madeline on her leash. How the hell does a forty pound puppy find the strength to yank me down the stairs and halfway across the courtyard before I can finally plant my feet and stop her? So, yeah...I find ways to make myself believe it's not a heart attack. This time though, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. I hadn't eaten anything for a while, nor had I been wrestling with a dog. It hurt really bad, but it was late and I had to work in the morning, so I went to bed. I know, I know...How dumb am I? This is how people die in their sleep. *grins* I'm still here though!


Monday morning came bright and early and I was exhausted. My chest still felt tight and my left arm felt really sore like I had worked out really hard. Not cool. I went to work. Again, I know. What was I thinking? What I was thinking was, "Man, I really need my job..." At work, I told my boss what was going on and said I might leave early to go get it checked out. By the time the afternoon came around, I was freaking myself out. Perhaps it was a heart attack. Maybe it was a slow heart attack...I've read about how sometimes people have heart attacks that last hours. Yeah, so by three in the afternoon, I had half-convinced myself that I had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. I decided to bite the bullet and go to the doctor. I called my doctor and her nurse asked what I was wanting to be seen for. I told her and she said, "We can do an EKG here, but she's going to tell you to go the hospital. If I were you, I'd just go to the hospital." I suspect she just didn't want to see another patient...Lazy ass.


Off to the ER I went. I hate the ER. There are people who are sick hanging out in there. Excuse me, but I have no desire to sit next to Typhoid Mary. I'm good. I'm full up on Typhoid here. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I go in and it's not super busy, but I know I'm going to be waiting awhile. I check in and they check my blood pressure--it was 155/100. Hmmm...A bit high. Although, I didn't want to be there and I was freaking myself out, so that was probably a large part of the problem. Then the nurse puts me in a small room to do an EKG to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack right then. She puts these little stickers all over my chest and hooks me up to a machine, which looked a hell of lot like a machine I once saw a mechanic hook my car up to to run a diagnostic check...I'm just saying. Yeah, so no heart attack at the time. As she is unhooking me from the machine, another nurse bursts in through the other door on the other side of the room. HELLO! My shirt is up! I'm not into flashing strangers unless, you know, it's for beads at Mardi Gras! The nurse who had run the test said, "Hey! You should knock!" The other one rolled her eyes and said, "No one saw anything." Really? REALLY? You did, you dumbass! Maybe I didn't want to flash her! WTF? The first nurse then leaves the room and leaves me with the mean one. The mean one says, "Well, the EKG looks relatively normal. I'm going to put you in the waiting room and if you have any chest pains, let us know. We'll take you right back then." I agreed and thought we were done. Oh no, we weren't. She then felt that it was her right, her duty as a nurse, to tell me I'm overweight and I will die from this. *rolls eyes* Do you know how hard it is not to be all, "What!? I'm fat!? Since when!?" Like I don't own a fucking mirror or buy my own clothes or see other people in public. I said, "I know. I got it." She goes on, "No, you need to realize this and do something about it before you end up dead. Being overweight will lead to a heart attack or stroke or worse." Really? What's worse than a heart attack or stroke? I don't want any of these things, but who the hell is this woman who has known me for all of five minutes to say shit to me about anything? Do your job as a nurse, take my vitals, and move my chart along to someone who can make a medical diagnosis. She didn't know anything about me at all. Does she know I've been obese since 8 months old? No, she doesn't. Does she know it's hard as hell for me to lose weight? Fuck no. It took everything in me not to tell her to go fuck herself or to mention that her super cool pink eye shadow went out of style back in the eighties at the same time her stupid hairstyle went out of style as well. *rolls eyes*


I ended up out in the waiting room with the general population. You know, no one wants to hang out there. Perhaps if I had an infectious disease I wanted to share, then I wouldn't mind it so much (Although if I truly wanted to spread it around, then I think going to Walmart at midnight on Black Friday would've been a good way to spread it. There were so many people it was ridiculous!). However, since I wasn't sick, nor did I want to get sick, it sucked balls to be out there. There was some woman on a bed behind a curtain in the waiting area puking into a trashcan. There were a couple of other people there who were coughing and sniffling. I sat away from as many people as I could. So gross!! Then some dude comes in whose coughing up a storm, like he's going to hack up a lung, and he's not even covering his mouth. OMG!! I'm going to get something, I just know it, is the only thing running through my mind at this point in time. After the guy was coughing and had thoroughly exposed everyone to the bubonic plague or whatever he had, a nurse gave him a mask. Oh really? Now he gets a mask? Wait, let him cough a few more times to make sure he's gotten everyone!! IDIOTS! Then, in the middle of everything, a balding male nurse with a limp comes out and calls for a woman. The woman has been sick and throwing up (although not there in the waiting room), so she's weak and needs to be pushed in a wheelchair. The husband asks, "Do you need me to push her?" The nurse says, "Yes. The less work I have to do, the better." I couldn't help but laugh out loud at this lazy bastard. I then made the comment, "That's the kind of nurse I want...The lazy one." Why, oh why, did I have to open my mouth? This was, indeed, the guy I got.


This guy calls me back after I've been there waiting for like three hours. I'm told to put on a gown (OMG! Those things are HORRIBLE!) and get on the bed. Once I'm settled in, lazy ass comes in and takes my vitals, asks me some questions, then tells me they're going to be drawing blood. When he came back to draw the blood, he started asking more questions. "Are you pregnant?" I said, "Nope." He asked, "How sure are you?" Me--"Very sure." Him--"How do you know?" Me--"I don't sleep with men." He raised his eyebrows at me in surprise. I said, "I'm gay. So, unless it's immaculate conception, I'm not knocked up." He stifled a laugh and said, "Well, I don't sleep with men either." I decided it was probably not a good idea to ask the man who was about to draw my blood if he was sure because he looked gay to me. He then proceeded to draw my blood and set up an IV on me without gloves. Ummm...This doesn't seem sanitary to me. I was really freaked out by the no gloves thing, but said nothing. After sitting there for an eternity, they came to get me to have me take a chest X-ray. The tech who came to get me had trouble driving...He wheeled me around on my bed and used the door jambs to help him steer. He told me, "Please keep your arms inside the bed because I am known for running into corners." Seriously? This made me think about when I was 19 and got into an accident with some friends. We rolled in a pick-up truck like five times. When we went to the ER, I was taken for X-rays on my right arm because my elbow had gone out the window and was covered in debris, plus it was already bruising...That time, the guy taking me was running through the hospital with me because they were backed up and he slammed my elbow into a corner as he cut it too close. I had howled in pain and he said, "I really hope it wasn't broken." I had said, "Well, if it wasn't, it probably is now." It wasn't that time, but man, it hurt! This time, I kept my elbows tucked in. But now can I point out how much it sucks balls to be hanging around in a hospital gown? Dude, the back hangs open! What sick bastard designed these things??? I had to stand there in the X-ray room with my arms over my head for the pictures and all I kept thinking was, "They can totally see my underwear..." Good thing I had on a nice pair and that I wasn't wearing like boxers or something. *grins* Hospital experiences are so degrading, I swear...


It took a long time, but at nine o'clock, the ER doctor came in and told me that everything was fine. My chest X-ray was clear and my blood tests were all okay as well. Basically, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. I was like, "Whew! Time to go home!" Let me take a moment to say that at work on Monday, we'd had a potluck with a nachos theme...It was then nine and I had eaten a small plate of nachos at eleven am. I was famished! I wanted to go home and eat some dinner. The ER doctor kept talking and said, "We're going to keep you overnight for observation. In the morning, they'll be able to run some more tests..." Wait, what? Phoenix smiled and I knew she was thinking, "Yes! Now we don't have to pay the $125 for the ER visit!" I was thinking, "I don't want to sleep in a hospital!" So, I stayed...It took another two hours or so for them to get me a bed, but eventually, I was taken upstairs. They had some crazy nurse come to get me. She hooked me up to a portable heart monitoring machine, which had those paddles on them to shock people. When the woman had her back turned, I motioned to Phoenix that I wanted to use them. She grinned, but wasn't down for me to shock the nurse...Eh, whatever. This woman seemed to have issues with wires. It took her forever to disconnect and then reconnect me. Then she had to move the nurse call button/remote from the bed, which she mentioned, she often forgets about and realizes it only when it catches as she tries to push the bed. Yes, these are the types of nurses and techs I want helping me...


It was 11:30pm by the time I got up into the room that would be mine for the night...Luckily, it was a private room, with my own bathroom, and a small television...It was also decided that Phoenix would go home *sniffle, sniffle* and leave me on my own for the night. Never mind that I could've been having a heart attack or that I was scared...Nope, she was going home to sleep in our bed, alone, where she'd actually get some sleep. Let us all remember this, so if she ever needs to stay in the hospital overnight, I too shall go home and get a good night's rest while she is poked and prodded all night. *grins* Okay, so I told her it was fine and to go home because someone should get some sleep, but she could've disagreed, right? lol Shortly after getting into my room, I met my nurse for the night...Yup, my nurse's name was Elvis.


Well, I have to go now because I'm supposed to do some shopping and then go to a birthday party. I'll pick up on this again tomorrow...It gets better, trust me. In the next blog, there's blood drawing in the dark, jogging on a treadmill in a hospital gown, and even EKGs while I'm trying to sleep! *grins* Man, hospitals are AWESOME!! Peace.

And the madness spreads...

I've realized recently that I've become a lousy friend. Some of you guys are already nodding and saying, "Yes, yes you are!" But hear me out, fuckers, before you agree!! I was thinking the other day that it was so easy for me to carry on a long-distance relationship with Phoenix when we were apart. Okay, wait a second...That doesn't sound right. It was hellish carrying on the relationship from afar, but we made it work. But now here I am with friends who are all far away and I've realized that I don't really stay in touch much...And it sucks. I miss some of my friends. Yes, I said some because for others, well, I just don't miss you that much. *grins* I think that above all else, it just goes to show that growing up sucks balls...old, wrinkly, sweaty (pronounced "schweaty") balls. It's just that at the end of my day at work I don't want to talk to anyone...Not my mom...Not my bestest friend in the whole wide world (which, at this point in time, may just be Phoenix)...Not anyone. However, the days go by and suddenly I realize I haven't talked to some friends in over a month or longer...It's not cool. And despite being happy in my relationship, sometimes I think I need friends. At other times, I think I am happy writing and don't need anyone. *grins* I suppose it depends on my mood. So, to all of my buddies who live so far away--You are gone, but not forgotten and on any given day, I just might be missing you! Smooches!


In other news, OH MY GAWD, it was slammed at work today. It's Saturday for the love of all that is holy! Don't people do work during the week??? I had taken fifty five calls by lunchtime, which beats my record of 46 calls by lunchtime on a super slammed Monday. I'm not even kidding, I could barely take a breath between calls. By the time I clocked out, I think I was at 93 calls. Yes, as you can see, it slowed down a bit by the time the evening came...*rolls eyes* Saturdays are normally slow, like slow enough that I could read a book between calls, or as I like to do so much, write! WTF? Don't these people know I'm a writer at heart and their stupid questions are interrupting me!? Apparently, no one cared because it was just crazy busy today. And what gets me is that they were putting through personal card calls to us small business folks today. I don't know shit about personal cards, but I took the calls just the same and attempted to be charming. I got some shitty surveys in, so I need some good ones to balance them out. It's crazy to me though that these surveys count against me when they're like, "You guys rely on credit reports too much. I have great payment history with you, but you can't even increase my line of credit!" Really? I get the shitty survey because of this? Well, fuck you, I say! Or even, "I was transferred to a bunch of departments before someone could fix my problem." Yes, well, I fixed your fucking problem, so don't give me a lousy score! Next time, I won't be so nice! I mean, really...Neither one of these were my fault, but they count against me! Stupid...


Speaking of stupid...Let's get into a couple of my calls from today...Apparently, there was a problem with the system today. So, I got this call from an older lady who wanted to make a payment. As I got her information, because apparently it was too much for her to input her account number and such, I could hear another call going through. It sounded a lot like our prompts to get through to us, but I couldn't be sure. And then I was happy a moment later when it went to hold music and it was The Mamas and the Papas. *grins* So, she wants to make a payment and tells me the amount, but then the account she gave me is wrong, so I need to find the right one. Along the way, I see we had a bad email address for her, so I ask her to confirm it for me. She then started sputtering and saying, "Oh, um, well...Can't you just take my payment?" I said, "Sure, but we send confirmation emails to you, so if the email is wrong, it won't get to you." Then out of nowhere a guy comes on the line and introduces himself, basically, as one of my co-workers. I was like, "WTF?" Well, in my head at least. The woman then starts talking to him. After a moment, I interrupted and said, "Excuse, me, but do you work for (insert company name here) too?" He says, "Yes." I said, "Ma'am, did you make two calls to us?" She says, "No. I just want to make a payment." So, he says he'll let us go, but she yells, "No! You stay. She can go. She asks too many questions." I tell him that I'll go, but he tries to beat me to it, but the old woman insists I don't know what the hell I'm doing, so he says, "Okay..." I hung up. The funny thing was that he was going to have to ask her all the same questions, like her account number, which account she wants to pay on, and what's her email address...Stupid old lady.


Then I got a call from credit for a guy who wanted to get through to our division that handles preferred seating at events. I was all, "Wait...You're in credit?" She laughed, "Yes! Weird, huh?" I agreed and she told me that she had gotten a call for our membership rewards department earlier in the day. Apparently, there are some issues with the system. I told her about how I was in the middle of a call when a second rep came on the phone. She was all, "Are you kidding me? How does that happen?" I said, "I have no clue!!" In the end, I talked to her dude for like thirty seconds, just long enough to provide him with a phone number. It was such a crazy day...


And the last moron I spoke to was a guy who was calling in to book a flight with his Delta frequent flier miles. I said, "Wait...You want to book a flight?" He replied, "Yes. And you can use my miles to pay for it." I said, "If you want to use those, you need to call Delta." He replied, "No, you guys can take them." Ummm...That would be like me going to Walmart and telling them to take Starbucks' gift card because they sell them there...We may give you the miles, but you sure as hell can't use them with us. WTF? He didn't even want to speak to our travel department...He thought I would do it. Yes, because in addition to taking payment, answering ridiculous questions, and trying to sell you shit, I also book travel arrangements. *rolls eyes*


I think I'm going to start counting down until my vacation in December. Christina and I took time off from Dec 9th-19th. Crazy, huh? We're going to go to California and then to Sedona. I think it'll be nice to get the hell away from work and the craziness that goes on there...If it's not the crazy customers, then there are my crazy co-workers to worry about too...Here's an example. So, my boss believes in Chem-trails. Ever hear of these? It's a conspiracy theory. She truly believes in this...I worry for her. Any educated person wouldn't buy this. It's too far fetched. Look up this madness and see for yourself...And, if that's not enough, she's now convincing other people I work with...I will not drink the Kool-Aid though!! I won't! No matter how thirsty I am!

Don't Believe Everything You Read

I would hope that society would be smart enough to know that not everything you read in the news is true...Especially not everything you read on Yahoo news. Look, I have nothing against Yahoo--I use their site all the time for everything from my email to reading the comics to perusing the news, but I know not to believe everything I read. For instance, I know that a woman in Ohio didn't give birth to sextuplets who were born looking like Elvis, with his sideburns and everything. I don't care that it was on the cover of the National Enquirer. I know better. Not too long ago, like maybe a couple of weeks ago, I read an article on Yahoo about a "ufo over Manhattan". Ummm...Really? They weren't really using it as an abbreviation for an unknown ship flying, but as in a mother ship with some aliens checking out the city from above, which, let's face it, is probably the best way to go. NYC smells like piss and garbage!! Hey, don't look at me like that! You know it's true! Anyway, so yeah, there was no alien ship above the city...It was a balloon. *rolls eyes* It always is! People really need to start paying attention to what balloons look like versus what UFOs look like. Let me help you out here....Look at these two examples:


A UFO with aliens and everything...



A bunch of balloons!!




Can you tell the difference now!? Come on!


This isn't the exact point of my rant here, but it sort of is...What I'm getting at is don't believe everything you read or hear or even see. Why am I bringing this up? Because I am so sick and tired of morons calling in who don't want to give us information to pull up their accounts! "No, I will not give you my social security number! I don't know what you'll do with it!" *rolls eyes* Yes, because I have an application for a new credit card going on my second screen and I was planning on using your social security number to get a new card. Yes, that's right, I was hoping that despite the fact that you pay us late constantly and barely make enough money to keep your shop running, I'd be able to get a credit card with your social security number. For the love of all that is holy, I only want the number because it's the second easiest way to pull up an account!


Of course, we all have the geniuses who are like, "I don't want to give you my card number!" Oh, okay. Except that when I finally locate your account and pull it up on my screen the ENTIRE NUMBER SHOWS ANY WAY!! MORON!! I also get to see your address, your phone number, and a host of other information, so let's not be ridiculous. If truly wanted your information, I'd be able to get it. I don't want it though. I am not a criminal mastermind. I have no desire to spend time behind bars...


Yesterday, I had an old man call in who refused to give me his card number and his social security number because he said he read an article online about giving out that information and how dangerous it is. I know, I read the same article and thought it was a bunch of bullshit. Look, I didn't call you and ask for it; you called me and I need this information to find you. He then gave me his last name and got angry when I asked him to spell it. If your last name isn't something common like Smith or Johnson or Jackass, you'd better spell it out. And why is it that when you ask someone to spell something or to give you a number they rattle it off so quickly that you're left going, "Wait, what?" It takes them fifteen minutes to tell you what the fuck they want in the first place and it turns out all they wanted to do was make a payment, but when you ask for information, it suddenly becomes one long word. "My card number is onetwothreefiveeightfortyfiveseventysevendoublezerothreeten! Did you get that? I'm in a hurry!" Yeah, well, you should've thought about that before you spent the last five minutes talking to your assistant about what you want for lunch instead of sharing your information with me. Anyway, back to the old man...So, I found him after scrolling through a bunch of people with his same name and he says, "See, there's more than one way to skin a cat." Thanks for that visual, old man. He then fails his security questions. He can't tell me an address he's lived at or anything. I wanted to pound my head into the desk. He kept insisting someone else set up his password and couldn't I just accept that he's who he says he is. Really? And ten minutes before this, he was worried I would take his information and run with it. But now I should trust he's who he says he is? Really? REALLY!? *pounds head into desk* What is wrong with people!? I think society is retarded...like as a whole.


Here's the message, folks...Don't believe all the shit you read. Don't. You'll thank yourself later for it. There aren't alligators hanging out in the sewers of NY. There also aren't any UFOs flying around over major cities or near airports in China. And you need to give information to your credit card company when you call in. Also, I don't give a flying rat's ass if you've "never been asked that" before when you called in--it's what the computer is asking for and I don't have a way around it unless I ask you more personal questions, so let's not waste anymore time! Just answer the questions!


That is all...Carry on destroying society as a whole...Peace out.

I'm more likely to get struck by lightning...

You know, I think I should make myself sit down and blog daily...I'm far too tired to blog right now, but I have to be at work in a little while and there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to sleep for a bit before going in, so I guess I'll blog...I'm afraid if I try to go back to sleep that I'm going to wake up even more tired than I am right now, so I'll take my chance and stay awake. As for blogging daily, each day I have stuff that happens and I'm like, "I need to blog" and then I don't. I know, I'm a lazy ass. I get it. And I think I'm okay with that...Let's dive in, shall we?


So, on Tuesday I had a strange call...This guy calls up and says he doesn't have his credit card with him, only his statement. Whatever, this happens all the time and everyone is shocked to find we don't put the whole account number on the statement...And why don't we? In case some jackass takes your bill, they can't go hog wild on Ebay buying anal lube and Scooby Doo memorabilia. (Those two things are unrelated...In case you couldn't tell.) Anyway, I find his account and pull it up. He said, "I want to pay off my card." Great. I apologized to him because my computer was moving slower than Betty White wearing concrete boots. Once I got to the payment screen, he says, "I always told myself that if I won the lottery, I'd pay off my credit cards." I was all, "Oh yeah? You won the lottery?" He went on to tell me that he did and that he won enough to be comfortable for the rest of his life and not have to worry about money again. He talked about how he'd been struggling, but now he'd be okay. As we talked, he discussed the responsibility that comes with having all that money. Finally, he asked me, "Do you want to know how much I won, Heather?" Without missing a beat, I said, "Yesssssss!" *grins* I couldn't help myself. He won $26,000,000. Holy bejesus! Do you know what I could do with that much money!? I want to win that kind of money!! I told him I play all the time, but never win. He said, "Keep playing! Just keep playing!" I wonder if he knows I'm more likely to get struck by lightning than I am of winning the lottery...Still, he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and I wish him all the luck in the world. So many people end up going bankrupt after winning the lottery...I'm crossing my fingers for him...


So, I went to my boss the other day to tell her that I have all these hours of vacation time left that have to be used before the end of the year, but when I checked our vacation scheduler thing, there's no time left for me to use. I know that contradicts itself, but that's not what I mean. What I mean is, there are no open days for me to use. We have an allowance of how much time can be used each day. Well, from here on out, it's basically all taken unless of course I'd like to go into work a minute late on a Monday or leave two minutes early on a Tuesday. My boss said she'd look into it for me. She, after checking with some other people, said, "You'll have to look for what time you can take off because they aren't making exceptions for anyone." Are you kidding me? I booked a couple of random days off in December, but I am not kidding about the minutes left on other days. I now have 22 1/2 hours that I need to burn before December 31st or else I lose them. This is BULLSHIT! Give me my vacation time!!


Okay kids, I have to go finish getting ready for work...If I hurry, I'll have time to go to Starbucks for some crack before going to work...And by crack, I mean a mocha frappaccino! *grins* Mmmm...Nothing like crack in a cup. Peace.

Who am I to argue with an expert?

I know I should blog more often, but I've been exhausted lately and just can't seem to motivate myself. I had planned on writing a couple a few days ago when we were in Sedona, but we would've had to pay for internet and, let's face it, I'm a Jew with my money! Hey, don't get offended!! I really am a Jew, so I can say this. It's like how black people can call each other "nigga" and it's all good. So, yeah, I'm too tight with my money to spend like $8 for 24 hours worth of internet. I mean, we already pay a fortune to have it at home and on our phones...Why in the hell do I need it for my laptop while we're on vacation, right? Anyway, let me tell you some of the craziness that has ensued since last we spoke...


I had a co-worker from one of our other sites call to me to ask if perhaps customer service could help with a particular situation. I said, "Well, what's going on?" She asked me to hear her out. She went on to explain that she had a card member on the line who is carrying a rather large balance with us and pays hundreds of dollars each month in finance charges and has for a long time. (He only pays the minimum payment.) He wanted our company to help him out so he could pay off more of the outstanding balance. Ummm...What? Yeah, so he didn't want a settlement or anything like that, which would show up on his credit report. He wanted help with the interest he keeps paying. Again, he didn't ask for the rate to be reduced...The woman said, "He wants us to refund him some of what he's paid us and apply if towards his balance. So, I asked him for an exact amount because he kept hinting. He said $10,000." I nearly fell out of my chair I started laughing so hard. Really? Like I'm going to be all, "Oh, of course I can take care of this. Let's just write off $10,000 of the money he owes us!" I was dying. Who the fuck asks for that? I'm going to call up Sallie Mae and tell them that after all the years of them harassing me and threatening me when I couldn't pay that I would like them to credit my account with them by $10,000 and see what happens. I have $5 that says my call gets "dropped" in mid sentence. I'm just saying...$10,000, oh man, that's awesome! In the end, I said I couldn't help, but pointed her in the direction of a supervisor who might have some better words on how to break the news that we weren't going to credit his account that much.


One of my favorite calls, which wasn't mine was from a co-worker who got stuck talking to a big jackass. He refused to give her his card number and wouldn't cooperate at all, all the while demanding to speak to a supervisor. Apparently, he had been disconnected on his last call and was fed up with us. She said she'd be happy to get him to a supervisor if only he'd give her the card number. After going round and round for a few minutes, he asked, "Do you know what it's like to talk to a fucking moron?" Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes, sir, I know exactly what that's like." *laughs wildly* Of course, she was worried that perhaps she might get into trouble for this, but he apparently missed it...Such a pity that he was such a fucking moron that he missed the burn. Ehh, whatever. I loved the story nonetheless.


We had our meeting for foster care and started our classes. We get to have an extra interview because Phoenix used to do foster care with this agency with her ex and then stopped, so they have some questions. Apparently, if you end a long term relationship, people have questions. I wonder if they would grill a straight couple the same way. And because I was the jackass who was honest about my childhood, I'll get to be grilled by a stranger about the fucked up relationship I had with my dad. Oh goody, goody gum drops. Does anyone else find it totally bizarre that in order to take care of someone else's kids, I have to take a shitload of classes and jump through about a billion hoops? I mean, these people didn't have to do anything to have these kids and have done something to lose the kids. I haven't hurt any kids. I even remind kids to wear seat belts (Apparently, this is the only motherly thing I do.). These kids' parents do drugs, drink, etc, etc, etc...I don't do any of that crap. Yet, I have to prove I'm stable. Really? REALLY? C'mon! And then to top it all off, and this is my FAVORITE part, when we had our first interview (which I know I mentioned before, but not in detail) the woman was like, "Now, Phoenix (Okay, not really, but let's pretend she called her Phoenix.), I know you did this before, but we can't find your file, so we'll have to start all over. And I'm not going to keep bringing up your ex because you're with Heather now and there's no need to bring it up." I was like, "WOO HOO! This woman is great!" because I have absolutely zero desire to go over anything that involves my girlfriend and her ex. Then, I am not even kidding, this woman brought up Phoenix and her ex's previous experiences for the rest of the interview. Every time I turned around, she was like, "So, when you did this before what age did you go?" or "I remember seeing pictures of you guys, but I never met you." Really? What happened to not bringing her up? What happened to showing a little respect for Heather who is sitting RIGHT HERE!? So yeah...Then we got an email, finally, with our log in information so we can go online and complete a buttload more paperwork there. Well, she emails me and is like, "What's Phoenix's email address? I think I have the wrong one." I sent it to her and asked what she had. Of course, she didn't tell me, but I'd be willing to bet a billion dollars that it was Phoenix's old email address. Why? Because they didn't lose her stupid file. Phoenix signed on and found that they had her old address listed and even had the people who used to live in her house. *rolls eyes* Whatever. I hate stupid crap like this. I'm just waiting for the day we go to class and they're like, "Oh, Phoenix! Look, we have all these old pictures of you, your ex, and the kids you used to foster!" I'm telling you, it's going to happen, I just know it...


For Halloween, we bought a huge bag of Wonka brand candy (because we like it) and I put my carved pumpkin on the sidewalk in front of our apartment and then waited...And waited...And waited for trick-or-treaters. Do you know that not one child or person came to our door??? NOT A ONE! WTF!? We didn't even hear kids running around in our complex! Do kids still trick-or-treat door to door or do they go to safe parties at church and school? Because when I was a kid, we went to the school party and still went trick-or-treating. On the plus side, we like the candy we bought, so disposing of it isn't a problem. *grins and opens another box of Nerds.*


This past Thursday and Friday we ran away for a couple of days to Sedona. We left on Wednesday after work and went up there. I was hoping to escape all the stress and bullshit that I deal with daily. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha *takes deep breath* hahahahahahahahahahaha! Ha! Seriously, there is no escaping life and all the bullshit that comes with it. While we were there, we ducked into a small shop that sold crystals and other stones that are supposed to be helpful for one's aura and well-being. They also offered to take pictures of your aura. Of course, Phoenix insisted we needed to do this. I was skeptical. A picture of my aura? Really? C'mon, I wasn't born yesterday. Still, we did it. Phoenix went first and then came to get me ( I was waiting outside) for my turn. I went in, did as the woman said, sat still with my eyes closed, and then she snapped my picture. She said, "Wow! This is interesting. You guys are very similar." I thought, "What? Phoenix and I are alike? Never!" She went on to tell me that I am very creative and that I came from a troubled past, but that I survived it and am better for it. She kept mentioning though how much creativity I have. Who am I to argue with an expert? *grins* Still, as she talked, mostly without asking any questions, she described things about me...So, here's what I think--She's an excellent reader of people or she's genuine. Hmmm...I'm leaning towards the former simply because I am a skeptic to the end. Phoenix asked about me what I thought about the crystals and such they use and here's what I think--It's the same as religion...It's the same as a placebo. If you believe it, you'll make it happen. Oh yes, folks, it's self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe it, it will happen. So, if carrying around a stone makes you feel better, then do it. If you believe praying to the tree gods will help you, then pray to the tree gods. To each their own. Who am I to judge what you want to believe?


Okay, I guess that's about it. I am trying to watch the first season of Glee...OMG! How have I not seen this show before??? And where the hell was Glee club when I was in school??? Oh wait, I can't sing...Never mind, carry on.