I'm waiting on my free beer...

I don't know if it's because of the impending full moon or what, but people seemed to be in rare form today...Maybe even a little yesterday too. I don't know. I talk to some of the strangest people and sometimes I find myself wondering if it's because I somehow attract the freaks and weirdos (No, friends, I would never insinuate that you are all freaks and weirdos...*shifty eyes*) or if it's just my lack of luck that I end up talking to these folks. And sometimes I find myself...well...being me on the phone at work and then I'm like, "Oh shit! Heather's on the loose again!" And I quickly change back into Work Fun Heather...Like Barbie, but fatter and way funnier and with nerd glasses. Allow me to explain...


Today a woman called in and I explained like EVERYTHING about how her card works, how she earns her rebate, how to find stuff online to manage the account, etc...The woman has only had her card for five years, but had no clue how anything worked. She thanked me repeatedly for all my help at the end of our conversation and then asked, "What was your name again--Terry?" I started giggling as I said, "Actually, Heather." She laughed with me and then said, "Oh, well, close enough." And I said, "Oh yeah, totally." We laughed harder. Suddenly, I realized I was totally being a smart ass. Obviously, she was laughing and whatever, but yeah...Maybe sarcasm isn't the way to go at work. Still...Terry and Heather aren't similar in any way, shape, or form. 


Later, an old man called in and was asking for the balance on his account and then made a payment. When I repeated the amount again for his payment because he was noting the amount with the confirmation number, I mentioned that there was also 41 cents at the end because he kept rounding down. He laughed as he joked, "You know, after being a customer since 77, you'd think you could spot me the 41 cents, Heather." I said, "I would've. Why didn't you ask?" He laughed as he said, "Shoulda, woulda, coulda...If I saw that show up on my next statement, I'd hunt you down and buy you a beer." I started laughing and then gave him the credit for next month's bill. I said, "All right...Check out next month's bill when you get it because now you owe me a beer!" He laughed like I was kidding...I sure hope he remembers because I am already looking forward to it...

Not long before I got off work, a guy called in and tells me, "I wrote down a phone number and then next to it to watch for a $25 statement credit on this account. And the number says it's no long an active number. I don't know what it was for." Well, as it turns out, this guy's memory is shorter than that of a goldfish or something because it was for our Small Business Saturday, which people could only start registering for a week ago! So, I tell him, "Oh, that was for Small Business Saturday. I'm assuming if you have that number then you must've registered your card. So, as long as you spent $25 or more at a small business, you'll get the $25 statement credit." He then tells me he didn't use his card all weekend and tried claiming we didn't make it clear. I started off trying to be nice, but in the end, I couldn't hold back. I said, "Seriously, sir, this was all over the TV and radio. It was on the Internet. The website with the information, including this phone number, clearly stated it was for Saturday the 24th. It's positioned between Black Friday and Cyber Monday to give the little guys a shot." He still insisted that this was a hidden thing and was hinting for me to give him the credit. I finally said, "I can't give you a credit. You didn't use your card at all...for anything...over the weekend. Your last charges have all been for big huge stores, not even any small businesses at all." He still tried to argue that he should get the credit...DUDE! IT'S FOR SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY! Like how much more clear could we be? It's all but in HUGE FLASHING LIGHTS! WTF? In the end, he was pissed that I wouldn't give him the credit. Oh fucking well. That's like being all, "I signed up for this promotion to get a free meal at Red Robin, but I went to Black Angus instead. Can you still give me a free meal?" Yeah, not going to happen, idiot! He was totally butt-hurt, but oh well. How do these morons survive? What happened to survival of the fittest?? 


Okay, one more funny story and this isn't about work...It's about kids, but not our kids...I have been lately picking up the kids in the afternoons because I get off work later than Phoenix does. So, I have to go to Daycare, which in my mind is crawling with more germs and infections waiting to happen than a hospital. I leave there feeling dirty...seriously. Anyway, every time I go to get Rapunzel, the other 4 year olds (and maybe 3 year olds...I don't know the ages of the kids in the class) all come over and try to talk to me. Last week I had kids reminding me that I'm fat and one even said, "That's a big mommy." Thanks, booger face, I'm so glad your parents taught you manners. So, yesterday, I went into the germ infested building that smells of children and feet or something and waited for the kids to verbally attack me. This time it got good. One little girl walks up and looks up at me, "Are you a boy?" I looked down with a cocked eyebrow as I replied, "No, no I'm not." Another little girl ran up and asked, "What is your name?" I replied, "Heather." She asked, "Is Heather a boy's name?" I sighed as I replied, "No, it's a girl's name because I am a girl." I looked for Rapunzel who was busy trying to get the teacher to give her her snack to go since we were leaving and God knows I love it when children eat crackers in my truck. *rolls eyes* A big headed little boy who is always in trouble when I go in there turns around and says, "That's not a girl. He's a boy." I think I sighed again as I told Rapunzel we need to hurry. Suddenly, there were at least seven kids in front of me all asking if I was a boy or a girl and was my name really Heather. I smiled at them before turning towards the door and walking out with Rapunzel running after me. What the fuck, man? I called Phoenix once I was out the front door with Rapunzel and Chuck. I was like, "The little kids don't leave me alone! Every time I go in there it's something and today they wanted to know if I was a boy or a girl!" You know what her response was??? She said, "You should've told them you are a boy...a b-o-i boy." *rolls eyes* Yes, because I'm sure that 4 year olds are all hip to gay lingo for grown up tom boys. Man...I know why I didn't go to school to teach elementary school kids...I'd lose my mind!!

The secret to parenting...And why I hate CPS...

Sometimes I find myself really despising CPS...Like I get that they aren't perfect. Obviously they're not; they're a government entity. But when your job is to make sure kids are safe, you better take your job seriously and not be a complete fuck up. I'm just sayin'...I work with people's credit cards and there are so many procedures and policies in place to make sure I don't screw up, but even if I do, it may take a couple of days, but we can fix it. If these people fuck up, kids get hurt. I am not the Lorax. I don't speak for the trees...Or the kids in this case...But something has to be said.
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Chuck had a visit again today and when Phoenix went to pick up Rapunzel from Daycare, one of the women there said that the Case Aid (*rolls eyes* I hate the Case Aid. I think she's a moron...and a lazy ass.) had come in and said that she couldn't go in the back to get Chuck because she had his siblings in the car. His siblings are twin 8-month old girls. She left two babies in the car while she ran into Daycare to pick up Chuck. I know she can't carry three kids, but she should've thought about that before picking the girls up first. Apparently, she's done this in reverse too, leaving Chuck in the car. I'm pretty sure that if I leave my kid unattended, I can get busted for that, but if you work for CPS, it seems it's okay. So, Phoenix called the caseworker to try to report it, but, of course, the caseworker wasn't at work. They never are. She left word for the woman to call us back. When we got back to our house and met the Case Aid to get Chuck back, she told us that the visit was fine and handed over a baby who wasn't quite himself. Normally, he's all smiles and he babbles up a storm lately. Tonight, he was quiet and not at all excited to see Phoenix. Normally, he can't get to her fast enough. Then when she went to give him a bath, he flipped out when he saw the running water. Today was the first unsupervised visit and suddenly, Chuck is back to hating the bath. What the fuck happened on this visit? He just came back not at all himself and I don't know what happened. He's too young to tell us, but the Case Aid keeps saying how great dad is doing. I don't know why they would give him unsupervised visits when he wasn't able to protect the kids from the abuse in the first place! And just a couple of days ago, the Foster Care Review Board had a meeting and found, after reviewing the evidence in the case, that it would be better for the kids (Chuck, his sisters, and brother) to be put up for adoption than going back home. So, if that's the case, why the hell is CPS allowing dad to have visits alone with the kid? I don't get it...I really don't. It doesn't make any sense at all. 
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Now, don't go getting all crazy thinking that I've become a softy...I haven't, but this is a little kid who shouldn't be afraid of things like a bath. He's not my kid and I get that, but even if he doesn't stay with us, he shouldn't go back home. I don't know what they did to him, but they don't treat him nicely at all. And if they take him back there, they will ruin this kid. I don't know any other year and a half year old babies who are cool sitting down reading a book. We had a Pampered Chef party a couple of weeks ago and in the middle of the party when there were kids running around and playing, he took a book and sat off to the side reading his book. His dad, who has the intelligence level of someone like Forest Gump, would kill this kid's drive to read and learn. I'm sure that's a mean thing to say, but it's true and I'll feel really bad if they make him go home. 
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In other news, Phoenix thinks I have trained Rapunzel to be one of my minions. Apparently, she has taken up saying things I say like, "Whoa there, turbo"...And the other day she was telling her sister, "This is nonsense." *grins* All joking aside, I guess 4 year olds don't typically talk like that. We've also fallen into a routine of talking crap to each other. No matter what I say, this kid has a response. And she has an evil laugh, so of course we're BFFs now. lol Seriously though, since we've started getting along and she realizes I'm kidding most of the time, she's now trying to establish herself...like show she's the boss, which doesn't fly with Phoenix at all since she's the Alpha Male...I mean, the Mexican Mom. *laughs* You know what I mean. She's Tony Danza or the boss or whatever. Rapunzel has also tried telling her teacher "no" and refusing to do things. I finally pulled her aside tonight and told her that it's cool to joke around or whatever, but it's not okay to try to tell adults (specifically me, Phoenix, and her teacher) what to do. I reminded her that she's the kid and we're the adults and she listens to us, not vice-versa. Like I kept it light because this kid cries over everything and it makes me feel bad. She started to get all quivery lipped for a moment, but I was like, "Hey, I'm not mad. I don't want you to get in trouble or have to sit in time out." I think that was my buy-in with her. We'll see if any of this works. I have no idea how to be a parent to these kids. They all come with their own baggage and issues. I feel bad for them, but I don't know how to make it better. Like last weekend, Ariel and Rapunzel both told me that they had had dreams about a monster. I find myself wondering who the monster is. Like is it their dad? Is it the thing they think lives in my room and makes the floorboards creak when no one is up there? Who knows? All I know is that I have no clue what I'm doing...But then I think that no one knows what the hell they're doing. I think this is the secret that parents never tell us--they were just as clueless as we are. It's all just a guessing game and we have to hope we're not screwing the kids up too much. And I'm learning that perhaps 4 years old is too young to hone her sarcasm. And maybe Chuck is too young to read Shakespeare. *shrugs* Live and learn, right?

Go sell crazy somewhere else...I'm full up here!

Somehow I missed the memo that because Obama is in office for one more term the world is going to end, apparently with a crazy war here in the US. I can only guess that this war is going to be the democrats against the republicans...Or the openly religious against those of us they believe to be sinners. I honestly have no idea what the hell people are thinking. If you are one of those who think it's time we're prepping for the end of times--please...pretty please--tell me why you think so. The Bible doesn't say when it's going to happen...In fact, it states no one knows when it will happen, so please tell me how you know more than the book that guides you does. Yeah, that sounds slightly sarcastic, but I can't help it. I'm a skeptic. Always have been, always will be...It's how I roll. 


So, I was thinking of this above mentioned topic because of all the nonsense spewing on Facebook about how it's such a sad time for American society and it's a travesty and blah, blah,blah, (insert commentary hating Obama here). Dude, I don't like Obama either. I don't like most politicians. Again, this is how I roll. I don't have faith in very much because shit never goes like it's supposed to. I'm a realist, not a pessimist. But that's neither here nor there...I want to talk about the crazy fucking lady who called me at work today! I didn't want to be at work today anyway because my sinus infection has caused my ears to ache from the pressure and the last thing I want to do is put a headset on that puts more pressure on my ears. Seriously. It fucking sucks. Allow me to tell you about this crazy lady. We'll call her Cathy...As in Crazy Cathy.


Cathy calls in and I'm like, "This is Heather. How can I help you?" She starts off with, "Peace be with you, Heather. This is Cathy." And I'm already at a loss for words because I'm thinking--shit! What is the correct response??? And with you? Yeah, ditto that? I have no clue, but I know that Catholics know. Clearly, I'm not Catholic, so I'm like, "Thanks. Same to you. I have your account here. How can I help?" She tells me she wants to add her husband to the account and this is where is all goes downhill. I mean, the opening thing sort of warned me, but it got so out of control and...*shakes head* I wanted to jump out the window. I tell her I'm happy to help and ask if she has his Costco membership number because we need that for this type of card. Then we had to talk about how his number really is different than hers, I promise. It was only after reading off hers and his to me that she realized I was right. Then she says she's going to put him on the phone to give me his info, but I said, "I actually need to verify some stuff with you before you put him on the phone." (I should've let him get on the phone...It would've been a better call, I'm sure.) She said, "But he needs to say it's okay for him to be on the account." I said, "No, actually, we need your permission to put him on the account because it's your account." And she's like, "But he's my husband." *rolls eyes* This is where it really derailed because she started in with how this is exactly the problem with society...We have ruined marriage and that people like us (me and her) know that marriage is really between a man and a woman and that anyone who thinks otherwise is going against the Bible. *le sigh* This is a real conversation. She said, "Those people--you know who I mean--are ruining marriage and the politicians are going along with it because they're paid to." During the rest of our conversation where we added her husband to the account, replaced her worn out card, and made a payment, she lectured me on the Bible and how this is the end of times. She believes that credit cards are leading into the mark of demon, which is apparently when we'll all have computer chips in our heads and bar codes. (That would make it really easy for me if I forgot my wallet...I'm just sayin'...) From this, she went into how there are now "security cameras" everywhere filming everyone and all the calls are recorded, "They say for quality, but they're really just monitoring us, Heather. You know that." Uh-huh...I was just nodding and let her go because I really didn't know how to respond to this at 7am. Later in my shift, I might've been more in control, but she was like my fourth call and I was still trying to wake up. She stated that movies like Enemy of the State are true. We are constantly monitored and if the government doesn't like what we say or do, they'll come get us. I'm assuming she read 1984 as the word of God or something. I'm also thinking that she woke up this morning and ate a huge bowl of Crazy O's. Seriously. *straight face*


I honestly had no idea how to get this woman off my line. She just kept talking. Like everyone was the bad guy, but not me...She could tell I have a good soul. (Phoenix said I should've told her that I'm soulless, which is true...I needed more room for sarcasm.) Because of my good soul, God was speaking through her to tell me these things I need to know. *drinks Kool Aid to end misery* I was like, "Oh...Um..." But she wasn't really looking for a response from me. Then she asked, "You have a family, right Heather?" I smiled as I thought about this, but I decided to only say, "Yes, yes I do." She said, "I bet you're a wonderful mother. You have a kind voice and I know you have a kind soul. You're good people." Obviously, this woman doesn't know shit and can't read people because we all know I'm the devil. *grins* I let her go and in the end she told me I should write down her number and if I just want to talk about God or if I have questions about this being the end of times, I should call her. I was like, "Oh thank you for the offer, but we can't call our customers." She told me that God loves me and I don't even know what else. It took everything in me not to tell her, "I'm gay and you just said God loves me! Haha! You can't take it back!" 


I never said I don't believe in God. I question a lot of things...Like these whack jobs who claim God is speaking through them. Who do these people think they are? It says in the Bible, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Ummm...That means don't be judging people lest ye be judged. I have no idea if it says "ye"...That sounds pirate-ish. Whatev. Where do these people get off though? Like she had no idea what sort of person I was, she judged me solely on how nice I was on the phone. In person, outside of work, I wouldn't have been like that--I would've spoken my mind because I've learned that if I don't speak up, no one will. Where the hell did all these doom's day preppers come from and why are they now calling me at work?


The government may be all up in our business, but it's not 1984 level, folks. It's not the end of the world because Obama is president again. It's weird, but before the election he was president and now after the election he is again...It's the same. It's not like he won and immediately started rubbing his hands together evilly as he laughed maniacally. Let's be real. And just because shit isn't good, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. People have been predicting the end of the world for centuries and we're still here. Just chill the hell out...We have until December 21st at least, which means I don't even need to worry about Christmas shopping. Whew! Thank you, Mayans! 

The election...

Dear friends,
This morning, Phoenix and I were talking as we each drove to work about the election last night. We both know that our families all most likely voted for Romney because, well, because they're Republicans. It's whatever. I'm not going to tell people they should change their opinions, but as we talked, Phoenix, who hates politics and normally won't discuss them at all, said that everyone has something they hold dear to them--like something that means the world to them. Some people hold onto religion for dear life. Others are anti-abortion and anti-everything else that suits them. Still other people support the military. And then there are gay people like Phoenix and me. If we don't care about our own rights, then who will? It's taken me years to chip away at Phoenix's not caring about our rights for her to get here, so this moment was huge for me. Even last night as she talked about it with me, I was cheering on the inside, "YES! I WIN! I GOT THROUGH!" Which just goes to show what a great teacher I am...It might've taken this long to get here, but we fucking got here! *grins* But seriously, if we don't care, then who will? And it's not even fair to call it "gay rights"...It's Human Rights and I'm so sick and tired of people telling me what's okay for a person like myself. Maybe you can look at me and know I'm a lesbian (Phoenix thinks that even blind/deaf people would know. No, I don't think Helen Keller would know I was gay if I simply walked in the room. *rolls eyes*), but I still put my pants on one leg at a time. I go to work each day (not mooching off the system). I have a house that I'm paying for and my own truck that I'm also paying for myself. I have created quite a life for myself. And you know what? I even take care of other people's kids. In some states, that's not okay. In some places, they think it's better to leave kids in orphanages or group homes instead of letting gay couples like Phoenix and myself take care of them. Are you cool with that? We all know that kids don't become gay because of who they hang out with...right? Straight people have been giving birth to gay children forever, folks. My parents are straight, as are Phoenix's. I have a friend at work who has a gay mom...And she's straight. So, let's not be stupid. Let's all agree that, as an average citizen, I'm an all right person. So then why is it okay to make me a second class citizen because I like women instead of men? 
I could not, as a self-respecting woman, vote for Romney. I just couldn't. If you hate me now because my politics don't match with yours, that's okay. You can stop talking to me and I'll survive. I mean, I wouldn't ask you to vote for someone who goes against your ideals. I get why people voted for Romney...If he supports the same things you support, then that makes sense. But I can't support someone who wants to take away rights from me. I just can't. And while you're getting so pissed off because gay marriage now passed in four more places, stop and ask yourself why the fuck you care so much. Really. If I got married to Phoenix, is that going to kill you? Is it going to make your marriage a lie or invalid? Is it going to make the sun fall out of the sky? Will the world end because I married a woman? It's doubtful...Plus the world is supposed to end soon anyway, so what's the big deal? I am totally fine with whomever you all voted for...And for the record, on the last go 'round, I didn't vote for Obama...So I wasn't a fan of his in the past. Just sayin'...Things change.
Peace out,
Heather

Talking Tina and other nonsense...

Okay, who knows Talking Tina from Twilight Zone? If you don't, you need to go watch it right now. Like I'm not even sure how you've lived this long without seeing it...Go ahead, I'll wait for you to get back. *takes nap* Seriously though, so our kiddos, Ariel and Rapunzel have this doll...Wait, I'll go take a picture. *drags fat ass upstairs to photograph scary ass doll* 

See! It's a very scary doll. I don't know why the doll's shirt is up. I don't ask. Anyway, for the last couple of days, the doll was lying on the floor by the hall closet upstairs. I don't like the doll and have no desire to touch it, so I haven't moved it. I'm not stupid...I've seen Child's Play and Twilight Zone...Leave the fucking dolls alone! But I digress...So, said doll was lying on the floor. Last night, I went upstairs to go to bed and as I made my way to my room, I stopped to check the thermostat, which is across the hall from the laundry room. As I turned away from the thermostat, the doll was standing there in the laundry room, not facing me like in the pic, but turned away from me...almost like how in The Blair Witch Project the kids stood facing the corner and then you knew you were dead because the Blair Witch was behind you. Same thing. I jumped and was ready to run. Flight or fight? I'm flying. Like I would've leapt down the stairs and been out the front door before that doll could've said her name was Talking Tina. It was only after a second that I realized it was just standing there and not about to attack me that my heart chilled a bit. I did hurry into my room though to wake Phoenix up to tell her I didn't think it was funny that the doll was moved and nearly gave me a heart attack. She laughed and said it had scared her too.
Now, I ask...What's a good way to get rid of this doll? Like seriously, it freaks me out. It's irrational, I know, but I can't stand that thing. It looks at me with its doll eyes and I'm just waiting for the head to turn and be like, "Come play with me" or "Want to play a game?" I'm so not down with that. And did you see--it's missing its left arm! Like if that thing comes to life, it's going to be pissed that it's missing an arm! That's going to make it so much harder for the damn thing to attack people! Even as I sit here now typing this, the floorboards upstairs are creaking and I know it's just the house, but my whacked out imagination tells me it's Talking Tina sneaking downstairs to attack me. Ugh...Is it mean to throw the damned thing away? 


In other news, since I didn't get the stupid job at work, I'm still stuck taking calls every day from idiots who shouldn't be allowed to leave their houses. Today I got bitched out by some guy who wanted to redispute a charge from last year for advertising that didn't bring in any business. The merchant he was disputing this with provided almost 200 pages of proof they did what they were supposed to. This guy flipped his lid saying that all people in Phoenix are fucking crooks and thieves. He said the entire city is filled with criminals. I let him vent for a while before I finally said, "Sir, I live in Phoenix." Then he was like, "Oh, well then you know!" Umm...no. And that's pretty much what I told him. I mean, really. Come on. That's like saying everyone in NY is an asshole. There are jerks out there, but not everyone is rude. I wouldn't even generalize that much about people in Paris and there were some seriously rude people there! But this guy, for over 20 minutes, bitched at me before I was like, "I can't help. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do." Then he really lost it and for another couple of minutes told me how inadequate I am. I don't believe I'm a moron, but it gets old hearing this day in and day out. I want to apply for different positions at my work because I cannot stand being on the phones anymore, but I have Phoenix (I wonder if she's a crook...hmmm...) and my boss telling me to be careful what I post for since I wanted the coaching position. They're not hiring anymore coaches for a long time, so what--I'm supposed to hang out on the phones for another few years until they hire again? Fuck that, I say! They say, "It'll make you look desperate to get off the phones." Fuck yeah, that's what I want! I'm so sick of listening to people's shit every day. And I'm tired of playing this stupid fucking game of pretending like I care--Newsflash, folks: I don't fucking care! And I lie to you all day long! I spew lies all day! I've never been so busy with a vacation that I forgot to pay all my bills including my mortgage...And do you know why? Because I'm not stupid in my spare time! Fuck...*le sigh* LOL One of my friends at work said that at work today and it made me laugh...Le Sigh. Like I'm French. Anyway, I need a new job. I got an email back about a teaching job, but I don't have my certification for AZ, so guess that won't be happening...

BS on a Monday...

Every once in a while, I'll listen to a song that I've known for a month of Sundays and suddenly I realize what I'm singing and I am completely taken aback at the dirty words that I have just spewed forth. Of course, my first instinct is to call my mom and demand to know what kind of girl she raised because there is no way in hell that I was a part of this! It's definitely her fault. *shifty eyes* But being that I have enough manners to know that calling people at 5am is rude, I refrained this morning...It was a close call though because I hadn't put much thought into this song So, when I got into my truck this morning, the radio comes on like it always does and Collective Soul's December is on. And I'm like, "Oh, I like this song..." So I turn it up. And for the record, I didn't say that out loud...It would be creepy if I was talking to myself like that, although, at nearly 5am, it's possible that I do...Honestly, I could've said it. Who knows? But I digress...Anyway, I crank the song and pull away from my house singing, "Don't scream about don't think aloud turn your head baby now spit me out don't worry about don't speak of doubt turn your head baby now spit me out--" Wait, what did I just sing? I remember one time trying to figure out if the song was about a blow job, but I sort of pushed the thought away and didn't focus on it. But let's be honest for a moment--What the fuck, Collective Soul? For years I've rocked out to this song never really thinking too deeply about it, but clearly something isn't right.


On a side note, today at work I had mentioned that I am going to the Alanis Morissette concert on Thursday night and a few people kind of laughed. Why is that funny? I'm not that old. And Alanis isn't known for "angry lesbian music", which is what my brother calls pretty much any chick or chick band I listen to. Honestly, I'm really hoping she rocks some of her older stuff like You Oughta Know and Ironic. If she does, then I'll die a happy girl. I'm too old to be into these ridiculous people like One Direction or Justin Beiber or Neil Diamond...Oh wait...Maybe not the latter. Anyway, so, yeah...I'm not sure how I feel about this. (For the love of all that is holy! My phone won't stop ringing and beeping with texts! I am trying to write, people!! You should hate me...I'm angry, mean Heather. I'm not everyone's BFF! BAH! Apparently, I am...It's one of my buddies from work venting. She feels that her co-workers in her new department are all a bunch of high schoolers.) Am I the last person on the planet who likes 90s alternative? And is Alanis so out of date that she's laughable? I sure hope not...On the plus side, I didn't mention to these "laughers" that only a few years ago I saw Cyndi Lauper, The B52s, Erasure, and Deborah Harry (Blondie) in concert...I think they really would've laughed then...Or maybe looked at me dumbfounded, not sure what to make of those bands/people. Needless to say, I feel fucking old. 


In other news, they posted for another coaching position at my work. This is home-based coaching and I can't quite wrap my mind around working at home. I'm not sure I'm devoted enough to make that work. I desperately want a new job though as I am bored with mine. I decided just a few minutes ago to try to look for other jobs, mostly because I told Phoenix, "I'm just going to apply at Discover card and see what happens!" But they're only hiring for customer service reps and collections. No, thank you! Then I looked into Amazon because they have like 3 locations here...but that was a bust too. I think it's about time to hit up Jobbing.com or something again. There has to be something out there I am capable of doing. Doesn't anyone need a smart ass assistant or something? Fuck...I need something so I can get out of this funk I am in. I feel so fake at work anymore on the phones. Some guy sat with me today and said I was so friendly on the phone that he wanted to kill himself. Bwahahaha! I love that he said that because that's exactly how I feel. He said that I don't sound fake, I sound like I care, but he couldn't handle it...I assume because I talk shit to him all day. He reminds me of my little brother and I can't help it. 


I guess that's it. Phoenix is going to be home in a few minutes and honestly, I'm about to chuck my phone. If it goes off one more time, the damn thing is going out the window. When she gets home, it's going to get real loud, real quick. Do you know how loud three kids are? Well, I'd show you, but I can't post videos of the kids on here...lol I have realized though that I'm rubbing off on the kids and maybe not in a good way. I like to mess with Rapunzel because she asks an exorbitant number of questions all the time, so I joke with asking her what she wants and sometimes I say, "Want a knuckle sandwich?" So, now she asks me if I want a knuckle sandwich. And then the other night at dinner, I was asking her sister how she got gum in her hair. Rapunzel jumped in and said, "She wanted to save her gum, so she put it on the side of her bed and forgot about it and then rolled into it and that's how it got stuck in her hair!" I said, "I think you like to tell stories!" She immediately fired back, "I think you like to tell stories." I grinned as I said, "Well, that's true, but I still think you're telling a story." She laughed an evil little laugh back at me as she smiled. Yup, I'm raising minions...

Well I guess this is growing up...

This is going to be a random blog, so hold on because it might be a bumpy ride...But there are a few things I feel like sharing...
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For starters, if you're a dentist, it should be like illegal to be sick. I called in "sick" from work yesterday because Thursday night I woke up at like 10pm (I went to bed at nearly 9pm) feeling like someone was attempting to rip my brain out through my right ear. This isn't really an exaggeration of what my head felt like. I had had a killer headache all day long that wouldn't go away and then I woke up with it hurting like this. After sitting up in bed and gathering my wits, I realized that it was a toothache. I got up, brushed my teeth again, took some ibuprofen, and got back into bed only to realize that none of this helped. I sat up all night with the pain. I dozed off a couple of times for like a second, only to be woken up by the pain. Each time I dozed off, my head would drift to one side or the other, which made it hurt worse, so no sleep for me. I guess that old saying that there is no rest for the wicked is true. lol At 4am when my alarm clock went off, I stumbled downstairs feeling drunk from the lack of sleep and called in. Since I didn't have enough sick time to cover my whole day, I am expecting a write up when I return to work on Monday, but that's neither here nor there. I called my dentist's office at a little after 8 or something to ask about being seen, but he was out sick. Say what!? That's so not cool! In fact, the soonest they can get me in is Thursday the 1st. Son of a bitch! In the meantime, they called in a script for antibiotics (in case it's an infection) and some painkillers (600mg Ibuprofen). So, I ended up with ibuprofen because I asked them not to prescribe Vicodin, as the last time I took it I ended up with hives from my neck to my toes. Though, as I sit here in pain once more, I find myself pondering which is worse-- the pain from the toothache or itching from hives? I still haven't broken down to take one of the Vicodins I still have sitting in my locked medicine box upstairs, but the thought has passed through my head. This is sort of its own form of hell...Horrible pain or itching like a mo-fo...Decisions, decisions...
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In other news, recently, like over the last month or so, I've repeatedly heard from people that they have a hard time picturing me with kids. Of course, they all follow up with, "I'm sure you are fine with them, but..." And then I get to hear about how they just don't picture it. *sigh* I'm not sure I've ever really said that to anyone. I know some people who have kids who I'm not sure are responsible enough to have them...And no, I'm not talking about my mom...JUST KIDDING, MOM! (Shhh, I was totally talking about her!) Anyway, I don't think that people immediately associate me with kids, but kids seem to like me...Mostly because they like to freak me out. I don't deal well with the nastiness that comes with kids like boogers and nasty diapers and burping and drool (Blech!) and slobbery kisses (And I'm not just talking about from Phoenix, but Chuck gives them too!) and all that nonsense that comes with kids. I had once pictured myself growing old alone with a house full of books. Not like hoarder-style, but just like all my spare rooms would be libraries or something. I don't like cats and dogs enough to be that lady, but the book lady, yes. Plus, books smell wonderful and animals do not. But I digress...I had pictured this though because it was easier than putting myself out there to be with anyone. And whereas most people think me to be evil because I'm sarcastic and just so happen to have an evil laugh (A girl cannot help what her laughter sounds like...Bwahahahahaha! *shifty eyes*), I'm not really evil. I do like to help others out, but only to a point because I've realized as I grow older that many people who realize you're helpful will exploit it. Fucking bastards. So, I'm not so sure why people are so surprised that I'm okay with helping take care of other people's kids. I was never cut out to be the mommy-type, but that doesn't mean I can't take care of kids. For clarification, mostly because I know my sister and her way of thinking, I'm not the daddy-type either. I'm just me and once the kids catch on to that, we're fine. I have found common ground with most of the kids we've had in one way or another...For Chuck, we watch videos together on Youtube and read books. (How does he know There's a Wocket in my Pocket is hilarious? He giggles every time we read it!) With Ariel and Rapunzel, they ask me an ungodly amount of questions and I answer them absurdly. And I'm working towards teaching them to like my music rather than Phoenix's music. Bwahahahahaha! *looks around* Where did that evil laughter come from?
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Basically, I may not look or act like a mommy, but I can be a caretaker to these kids. Phoenix is the mommy, which is why the girls always give her hugs and seek her when they're hurt or whatever, but Chuck comes to me and despite my sometimes unlovable attitude, he still gives me kisses and hugs for no apparent reason. Silly kid. *rolls eyes*
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My short hair cut is not something open for discussion. It is not a "K.D. Lang" hair style...Nor is it reminiscent of other people with short hair. It's my hair and I'll wear it this way because I like it. I keep thinking about growing it back out, but it's such a pain in the ass. I'm not sure why I'd give up being able to style my hair in like two minutes to go back to having to blow dry and style my hair. And even if the majority doesn't like what it looks like, I do...And so does Phoenix. 
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I am not a soccer mom because Phoenix got a minivan. I may drive it at times, but only because I despise her driving. In fact, I am willing to go so far as to enroll the kids in ballet classes instead of soccer and other sports to avoid the cliche title. Bwahahahaha!! 
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At my work, they've put a lot of emphasis on understanding the customer's emotional state when they call in. Since I started working on pretending like I give a flying rat's ass about these strangers, I have found that my talk time has skyrocketed. What the fuck, man? It's like once these people think I care, I am suddenly their new BFF. The other day this lady called in to dispute some charges from a recent trip she was on and she mentioned she had been so sick on the trip. Since she had only gotten back home the day before she called, I asked if she was feeling better. She then went into this long explanation about how she'd had diarrhea and was throwing up on half the trip. *blank stare* I had a new hire sitting with me and she looked as horrified as I felt. At the end of the call, the new hire joked with me that the lady felt very comfortable with me, which was apparent. Yay, my scores on my surveys are going up, but in the meantime, I can't get people off my line and I hear these horrible stories all day long! Sometimes I get funny stories too, but mostly, I get the horrific stories I don't want to hear. From time to time, I am also getting the people who vent to me about how they hate my company. I have actually turned a few of these people around, somehow, and by the end of our conversation they didn't think we were the devil anymore...Poor people. Don't they know that I'm a silver-tongued devil?? I need a new job though where I am not using my cleverness for this purpose, but rather for a more evil purpose--er, um, I mean...Look, a bright shiny object! *runs away laughing evilly* 
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I guess that's it. My head is killing me and I cannot keep thinking about all of these things...I find myself lately thinking about so many things that people say about me and then I find myself pondering who I am. I am not going to define myself by other people's standards. I am just Heather. Although, some days, as I scroll through my iTunes, I wonder who the fuck Heather is anymore. I used to fucking hate Coldplay. Why do I have Coldplay on my iTunes? Honestly, I despised that song Clocks and yet there it sits in my playlist. And for some reason, I absolutely love their song Yellow and Viva La Vida. *rolls eyes* I also used to hate Kate Bush. My mom used to listen to Kate Bush all the time when I was a teenager and I wanted to jump out of our speeding car to avoid listening to another one of her songs...And then somewhere along the way, I realized I love her music because her songs tell stories. Don't get me wrong-- Kate Bush is fucking weird with her interpretive dance bullshit, but her music is awesome. In fact, something else I didn't used to do was watch TV and now I'm like, "OMG! I love Doctor Who! And Once Upon a Time!" *shakes head* It's amusing that people are trying to hold me to an image of who they thought I was when I'm clearly not that person anymore...Is this what happens when we grow up? *wanders off to lay on the couch*